Off the Map: The PG Version of a Hoecake

Hoecakes -- The Lady and Sons, Savannah, GA

The Lady and Sons

To this day, Paula Deen remains the one and only Food Network personality that Vodka has met offscreen. 

How Lucky for All the Other Personalities

And therefore, Vodka was quite keen to finally make the journey to Paula's outpost, The Lady and Sons, in Savannah, GA.

So Excited That She Got to Lunch a Half Hour Early So She Could Sit in the Waiting Room by Herself

Now, at the Food Network-sponsored events with Paula which Vodka attended years ago, the food was... less than stellar. 

Exhibit A

And so she is not overly optimistic about the gourmet options when she arrives for lunch as part of Grey Goose's bachelorette party. 

Time to Do Shots Under the Watchful Eye of the Lady and Sons

As it happens, the only dish on the menu from Best Thing I Ever Ate is of the gratis variety: the complimentary hoecakes which appear on each of our bread plates before we have even placed our orders. 

At Least They Understand the Importance of Prompt Carb Delivery Around Here

Said cakes were recommended by Tyler Florence on the CAKE WALK episode, though we note that the staff has taken to calling them "fried corn cakes," or something similar, thus rebranding the pastries to something less... mature-sounding?

Family Friendly Baked Goods

Now, as someone who has never tried a hoecake before, it is possible that something is lost in translation, as Vodka finds the creation more dry and crumbly than pleasing to the tastebuds. 

In Fact, This Is How Her Bread Plate Looked at the End of the Meal

As it happens, the accompanying biscuit with melted cheddar has much more flavor than the item Tyler had chosen, as does the crab stew that Vodka picks for her entree (hey, it's been a long weekend of overeating -- a girl can only take so many fried green tomatoes). 

Bring on the Melted Cheese

Possibly the Most Self-Controlled Lunch Vodka Has Ever Ordered

Once utilized as a dipping utensil for the remainder of her soup, the hoecake becomes more pleasing, but it never quite rises above the average territory.

Good to the Last Sop

But then again, hey, what do you want for free?

The Lady and Sons Hoecakes: 3 stars

Off the Map: I Think I Must Like Flour

Flourless Chocolate Cake -- Cake Flour, Louisville, KY

Cake Flour

What, like you've never gone all the way to Kentucky to eat a cake?

Well, Excuse Us for Being Devoted to a Useless Mission

Vodka has set off on, admittedly, one of her most random Best Thing I Ever Ate trips ever, though this time, the location in question is not exactly her choice.  You see, one of her college roommates is on a quest to visit all fifty states, and she has never been to Kentucky (in a twist of fate, Vodka has actually set foot in Kentucky's borders before, though when she was a toddler, and hence before the first episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate).  

In Other Words, Before She Had a Reason to Go Anywhere

Said college roommate, who goes by the moniker "Diet Coke" due to her propensity for teetotaling (the horror), has recently (more or less) sworn off the carbonated chemical as well as most alcohol, and even the promise of a Louisville mint julep isn't enough to turn her over to our day-drinking dark side.  

One of These Things Is Not Like the Other....

However, luckily for Cake Flour, the site of our only Kentucky Best Thing I Ever Ate dish, Diet Coke has a much bigger sweet tooth than Vodka (who primarily has what's called a "wine tooth"), and she would therefore be more agreeable to eating Aaron Sanchez's favorite CAKE WALK dessert, the flourless chocolate cake, at 9:00 in the morning.

If These Were Filled with Some Kentucky Bourbon, Vodka May Be More Interested

Cake Flour itself lies fifteen minutes outside of downtown Louisville, making it especially useful that Diet Coke, unlike Vodka or Ginger, knows how to drive.  

Without Us, Uber's Ridership Is Presumably Down 50% a Day

When we arrive at its strip mall premises, Vodka orders one miniature version of the chocolate delicacy, to which she is immediately asked if we would like glasses of water to go along with it.  

Of Note, Have Never Seen Reserved Seating at a Bakery Before

We perhaps should have taken this as a clue concerning what we were getting into, as the first bites of the cake reveal it to be just about the richest one we have ever tasted.

Count Chocula Has Nothing on This Thing

The chocolate cake part itself is covered by a thick layer of chocolate fudge and decorated with a delicate swirl of white frosting (a la a Hostess cupcake, which this whole thing seems to be an upscale takeoff on).  

Also at Over $6.00, It Is at Least Six-Times the Price of a Hostess Treat

However, what this cake needs is a solid dose of white icing in the middle, since if nothing else, it would help to mute the overwhelming taste of dark chocolate bitterness.  

Where's the Cream Filling?

While there is nothing inherently wrong with this cake, and it would presumably please a true chocolate lover, for us, it is just A LOT.  

Packing a Chocolate Wallop

Even with its miniature size, we are pretty much satisfied after a single bite, and Diet Coke recommends, "I feel like you should get this only to share with ten of your favorite friends." 

The Remaining Remnants

We pack up what's left of our cake, more out of politeness than because we actually want it, as Diet Coke quips about preferring an actual plain chocolate cake to this creation, "I think I must like flour."  

Gluten Is Our Friend

To be fair to Kentucky, we consumed many other foods within its borders which were preferable to its one Best Thing I Ever Ate dish.  But unfortunately for them, no Food Network star chose to highlight those dishes on a program which the channel doesn't even produce anymore, and so they will go unmentioned.  

Here's a Tip, Aaron Sanchez: Next Time, Try Louisville's Doughnuts

Which leaves one to assume that in every old Kentucky home, filled with bourbon and mint juleps and more than a few hot browns, the one thing that is desperately missing is a large helping of flour.

Cake Flour's Flourless Chocolate Cake: 3 stars

We Looked Like We Needed 9am Cocktails

Whole Wheat Pancakes -- The Little Owl

The Little Owl

If there is one time we generally hate to eat, it is Sunday at 9:30am.  Not because it is relatively early, but because due to some outdated prohibition-era law, New York City restaurants are not supposed to serve booze before noon on Sundays.  Needless to say, this is not a policy that sits well with us.

You Expect Us to Leave Our Hermit Caves and You Won't Even Give Us a Drink, NYC?

However, being that we've been at this blog for over three years, and until now, we have never before been able to secure a convenient reservation at The Little Owl -- the place we have to go in order to consume Alton Brown's favorite whole wheat pancakes from the CAKE WALK episode -- we decide to suck it up and deal with the fact that we might be forced to have a sober breakfast.  

We Won't Be Happy About It, But We'll Do It

Of note, forty-five minutes before our reservation time, Vodka receives a text from a Little Owl employee, "confirming" our reservation.  Naturally, Vodka's instant response to this happenstance is contempt, immediately forwarding the screenshot to Ginger with the caption, "Don't text me, Little Owl.  We are not friends."

Every Restaurant Should Be Placed on a Nationwide DO NOT TEXT List

"They want to see how early they have to show up for work," Ginger quips by way of response, and less than an hour later, as she approaches the corner where the restaurant is located and sees Vodka hightailing it in the opposite direction, she assumes something must have already gone down with the waitstaff.

"Where you going?" she yells from thirty feet away through the silence of the West Village.  Vodka, somehow correctly surmising that this question is meant for her, does not break stride as she calls back, without affect, "Instagram."  It seems rather than doing anything blog-related for the past six months, Vodka has preferred to wile away her energies on her new favorite photo app, and she sees some ivy-covered townhouses across the street that she is eager to capture.  When Vodka turns back around to take a picture of Little Owl's exterior, she finds Ginger hovering in the doorway peering at the menu.

"Get out of my frame!" she yells at her, and Ginger stumbles back into the street obediently. 

Because, You Know, Heaven Forbid We Reveal Our Identities

It is only at this point, after squawking back and forth at each other three times, that we deign to greet one another and enter the restaurant.

THIS Is the Place Where We Couldn't Get a Reservation for Three Years?

The completely empty restaurant.  Thanks for texting the confirmation, Little Owl, or else we don't know how you would have spared the table.

Quick, Go Steal a Bottle of Wine Before They Prevent Us from Having One

We settle into the corner by the windows, completely content that we have the place to ourselves.  And then, like something out of a cartoon, the front door opens, two more brunchers enter, and are told to sit wherever they like... and they sit DIRECTLY NEXT TO US.  Like, within spitting distance.  

Please Note the Stray Arm Getting in the Way of EVERY ONE OF OUR PICTURES

Now, please keep in mind that the entire place is DESERTED.  There is another window-view table one over from where they have chosen -- SIT THERE.  But no, instead, these two feel the need to figuratively settle directly in our laps.

Would You Like to Sample Our Coffees While You're At It?

We are annoyed, because of course.  But mostly, we are perturbed because we now think there is no way we will be able to sweet-talk our waiter into supplying us with some under-the-table pre-noon booze.

"What are you going to do?" Vodka whispers to Ginger when she sees her reading over the cocktail list.

"I'm going to order a bellini and and play dumb," Ginger answers.  And when our waiter comes back with his notepad in hand, that is exactly what she does.  And guess what?  Instead of relaying the usual answer of "We can't serve alcohol before noon on Sundays," our waiter merely nods and jots down "bellini," along with Vodka's prosecco and grapefruit lemonade.

This is our new favorite place in the universe.

We Take It Back, Little Owl -- You Can Text Us All You Like

Along with our alcohol, Ginger asks for an iced coffee, and Vodka, a regular black coffee.  When said caffeine arrives, Ginger insists that Vodka take a picture of her pouring the cream into her concoction.  Vodka does so as quickly as possible... and then Ginger proceeds to pour practically the entire container of cream into the glass.

And Two Days Later, She's Still Pouring

"I like the sense of urgency you created about the picture prior to dumping in all of the cream," Vodka tells her.  "I had hours to take that shot."  Our cocktails arrive soon after, and we are so giddy from their mere presence that we temporarily grow less hostile toward our dining "companions" (of note: restaurant still empty).

Perhaps We Can Move This Party Outside So We Will At Least Have Some Elbow Room

For brunch, we order the whole wheat pancakes and the bacon cheeseburger, because if we're going to drink alcohol before 10AM, we might as well wash it down with some ground beef and French fries. 

Totally Normal Breakfast

Let's Just Pretend These Are Hashbrowns

While we wait, we supply our next-door table neighbors with some gems of entertainment ("Well, how good of friends are you?"  "We're good friends.  I don't like her, but we spend a lot of time together.")  Luckily for them, our mouths soon become occupied by our food, and of the two choices, one is a clear standout over the other.

And unfortunately, it's not Alton Brown's choice.

Nice Try, Alton

The whole wheat pancakes, which come in a stack sprinkled with powdered sugar and a smattering of fresh berries, along with bourbon maple syrup on the side, are good.  I mean, they're pancakes -- even we can make pancakes, so we're not overly impressed.  

They're Also Fourth of July-Appropriate

These patties are dense in texture but manage to stay light, with a certain melt-in-your-mouth quality about them.  They're good, definitely.  But for the most part, they're just pancakes.

Also, We Don't Usually Eat Pancakes in a Stack, but We'll Try Our Best

The burger, however, is about ten-times more interesting -- juicy and smothered in a generous helping of cheese, along with a couple slices of bacon.  

We Have a Future in Cheeseburger Photography

Portrait of a Pickle

The French fries are crispy and mildly spicy, and we all but lick the entire platter clean (to be fair, we also completely decimate the pancake platter, but more because we don't like to be wasteful).  

Not to Be Outdone, Vodka Takes Four Days to Pour the Syrup

However, the thing we are most taken by is the individual containers of ketchup and mayonnaise The Little Owl has supplied us with, along with a tiny bowl of sea salt -- after all, we always have a soft spot in our hearts for some condiments.

We Did Not, Though We Were Tempted, Salt Our Pancakes

We each down another cocktail while deciding that we will be generous in our debate over whether these pancakes deserve 3 or 4 stars, allowing The Little Owl to benefit from the fact that they got us tipsy.  

Double the Breakfast Pleasure

As we leave, we continue to be flummoxed as to why this place so willingly handed us spiked beverages, while so many other locales have refused to do so.

"I think we just looked like we needed it," Ginger surmises, and indeed The Little Owl has just brought a whole new meaning to the phrase "It's not even noon [on Sunday] somewhere."

The Little Owl's Whole Wheat Pancakes: 4 stars

Off the Map: Eating Whoopie in Maine

Whoopie Pie – Two Fat Cats Bakery, Portland, ME
Two Fat Cats Bakery

Nothing like carting yourself all the way to Maine only to find that Two Fat Cats Bakery is out of whoopie pies.

Wherefore Art Thou Whoopie Pie?

Vodka Stinger ventured to Maine recently to attend the wedding of one of her college roommates.  On their way to the middle of the state, she made her travel partner stop off in Portland in the name of Best Thing I Ever Ate tour completion.

One of Portland's two Food Network-featured dishes is the whoopie pie at Two Fat Cats Bakery, which is singled out by Chuck Hughes on the CAKE WALK episode.  Venturing through the Maine mist (temporarily believing we have mistakenly landed in Seattle), we arrive at the bakery just before the 6:00pm closing time (by the way, what is with everything in Portland closing by 6:00pm?  Highly inconvenient).

This Is What Vodka & Ginger are Starting to Look Like

Just off the waterfront, Two Fat Cats is not exactly in what one would call the “populated” section of Portland – it is in more the "empty lot and slightly creepy" section of town.   Meandering inside, Vodka is blind to the other pastries under the glass cabinet, as she requests one whoopie pie.

“We’re actually out of whoopie pies today.”

What?!

The workers tell us that the whoopie pies will be back in the morning, so the next day, we venture back over to the wrong side of the tracks to finally procure a whoopie pie.  We are both familiar with these delicacies due to our soon-to-be-betrothed college roommate, who used to receive care-packages of them from her mother (she also happened to use them as a substitution for her cake at said wedding).  However, this is our first time purchasing a genuine Maine whoopie pie ourselves.

And it is the best we ever had.

Finally, A Litter of Whoopie Pies

We take the whoopie pie outside and divide it at the picnic table outside of Two Fat Cats (overlooking the scenic abandoned lot across the street).  Fluffy white cream sandwiched between two halves of chocolate cake, it is everything Chuck Hughes promised.  The filling, though light and more airy than we had previously experienced, is overflowing in sweet flavor, and the chocolate sides are rich and neither gooey nor crumbly (a flaw that plagues some otherwise tasty whoopie pies).

A Work of Maine Art

This whoopie pie is well worth the 16-hour wait, and it is superior to items we later procure at Standard Baking Co. down the street.  Two Fat Cats Bakery should launch a campaign to make the whoopie pie the image that tourists conjure up when they think of Maine – we’re pretty sure these cakes could take down those pesky little lobsters.

Two Fat Cats Bakery’s Whoopie Pie: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate