Off the Map: I'm Gonna Hook You Up, Jersey-Style

French Onion Soup -- Zinc Bistro, Scottsdale, AZ
Zinc Bistro

Like moths to a flame, New Jersey natives always seem to find each other, even in the most non-Garden State of locations.  This magnetic attraction is how Vodka ends up being BFFs with our Zinc Bistro waiter.

When in Arizona, Do as New Jersey Would

"Ooh, it smells like a bar in here," Ginger notes as we enter our Scottsdale lunchtime location.  Looking remarkably similar to a combination of Balthazar, Pastis, and Parc, Zinc Bistro is clearly going for French ambiance, evidenced by the Eiffel Tower sculpture and the proliferation of alcohol.

Parlez-Vous "Cocktail?"

Before we can so much as glance at the menu (read: cocktail list), our waiter, who practically breathes "originally from New Jersey," whips our white napkins off of our table and replaces them with black ones.  We look at each other quizzically and then consult our friend as to the meaning of this obviously Phoenix-specific behavior.

"They give you dark napkins when you're wearing dark pants," she explains without affect.

"WHO does?!"

"Nice restaurants," she answers.

"No, never, uh uh," we protest.  "That has never happened to us before."  Instead of being impressed by this color spectrum service, we are so confused that it has manifested as outrage.

NapkinGate 2012

Again, before we can continue our debate over whether or not such napkin-to-pants matching is normal practice, our waiter is back in a flash to card us, even before our drink orders have been placed.  And this is when our waiter figures out that he has found some East Coast compatriots.

The Best Geographic Bonding Happens Over Liquor

We order a La Fleur and a Parisian Mule, while our Southwest colleagues stick with a teetotaling Arnold Palmer and French Press coffee (this is the price one pays for being our chauffeur).

This Is Also Why We Don't Drive

It soon becomes apparent that we each have our own variety of "drinking beverages" issue: Ginger is insistent that she receive a straw for her water, because she doesn't "like when the ice touches my face," and Vodka is sipping her cocktail at her typical snail's pace because she's a "slow drinker, or else I feel like I'm drowning."

Our waiter seems to share such neuroses (maybe it's an East Coast thing), as not only does he provide a straw for Ginger's water, but a full bushel of straws for every beverage on the table.

A Hootenanny of Straws

When Jersey (as the waiter will from now on be called) returns yet again, we order the Best Thing I Ever Ate French onion soup (or, in pretentious menu terms, "onion soup gratinee"), as recommended by Beau MacMillan on the CHEESY episode.

You Say 'Gratinee,' We Say 'Give Us Cheese'

We also choose to split a Zinc house salad, while our friends order the mussels.

"Get the French fries, too," Jersey insists.  "They're amazing."

"No!" Ginger, who seems to be into putting her foot down quite a bit today, answers him.  "We're gonna be too full.  We have a lot of eating to get to."  But when Vodka and friends, once again, perform a majority vote towards getting the French fries, Jersey sticks his tongue out at Ginger in a show of one-upmanship.

Jersey Has Won the Battle, But Not Yet the War

Perhaps as a peace offering, Jersey comes back immediately with a bread basket and whispers in Ginger's ear, "I hooked you up, Jersey-style.  Everyone else has to ask for bread.  You guys just get it."

Please take note of this bread service, bartender at Pizzeria Bianco.

A Slightly Dull Bread Basket is Better Than No Bread Basket At All

Ginger finds a heart-shaped slice and begins carb-loading, while Vodka is overcome by the BLT Steak-like provided salt shaker.

The Key to Vodka's Heart Is...

...Salt, Jersey-Style

Before we can consume enough yeast for our liking, our boiling hot bowls of French onion soup arrive, and Vodka, seemingly not afraid of drowning via soup consumption, dives in.

And she nearly burns her face off.

Note: Soup Served in a Witch's Caldron Is Indeed Hot

It is, therefore, especially telling as to the tastiness of the soup that Vodka still finds the first spoonful, and every subsequent one, delightful.  Supremely salty broth, bite-sized onions, and oodles of gruyere cheese combine to form some of the best onion soup we've ever tasted.

Non-Minced Onions For the Win

Unlike many lower-scale versions where the cheese performs full lift-off upon the first spoonful, this cheese lasts through each and every bite of the soup.

The Cheese of Our Lives

Vodka manages to splatter half of our order across the paper table cloth (thank goodness for her black napkin), which Jersey makes a big show of mopping up for her.

What Would We Have Ever Done Had Our Napkins Been White?!

Yet despite all of these obstacles, Vodka believes this soup, like the waffle dogs, is 5 stars.

Ginger thinks it is not.

Never before in the history of this tour have we shared less compatible opinions.

Is This Not Evidence of a 5 Star Dish?!

Putting the empty soup caldrons aside, we move on to our salad (which Zinc Bistro has been kind enough to divide onto separate plates for us).  The greens themselves are heavily dressed - nearly soaked.  And while the taste of the dressing is pleasing enough, we'd prefer a bit more crispness.

Lay Low on the Dressing Next Time, Jersey

The accompanying crostinis are smothered heavily in soft goat cheese and chives, which is strong in flavor if a bit overbearing.

This Meal Is Becoming a Bit Over-Cheesed, Even By Our Standards

Our friends' mussels are some of the largest we have ever seen and are accompanied by a dose of "string things" (the highfalutin culinary term for "fried potato strings"), all of which is quite lovely.

In Arizona, Mussels Come Supersized

Our Aptly-Named "String Things"

And the much fought-over French fries prove to be the perfect dish to round out or Paris-by-way-of-Phoenix experience.

Oui Oui, Jersey

Jersey comes bounding over to our table with dessert menus in hand.  "Can I interest you in some -- "

"Just the check," Ginger interrupts him.  And for just an instant, one could almost assume that she, and not Vodka, is the one at this table with no-nonsense New Jersey blood running through her.

Zinc Bistro's French Onion Soup: 4 stars

Never Doubt the Taste of Ina

Grilled Cheese and Tuscan Peasant Soup -- E.A.T.
E.A.T.

So we did not go to E.A.T. merely to smuggle in a jar of pickles.  Our true reason for being here is to eat Ina Garten's favorite CHEESY dish, the grilled cheese sandwich with Tuscan peasant soup.

Though after the pickles, we can't seem to focus on much else.

This Sandwich Looks Decidedly Devoid of Cheese from Certain Angles

At this point, we also decide that we cannot go eating around Manhattan two days in a row.  The spunk and enthusiasm we displayed for our jaunts around the Upper West Side the day before have all but disappeared, and we are especially put off by our inability to order wine until after noon on Sunday (which is just about the stupidest rule we have ever heard.  Get it together, Bloomberg.  This ain't prohibition times anymore).  In any case, we are almost apathetic when our plates arrive.

Almost.

The Tuscan peasant soup, which was not technically on Best Thing I Ever Ate but which Ina recommended combining with the grilled cheese, is downright to die for.  It overcomes the obstacle of being a very hot dish being consumed on a very hot day and makes us bask in all of its tomato, bready chunkiness.

Not Exactly a Go-To Summer Dish

The grilled cheese, when dipped in the soup, is equally rich in carb comforting goodness.  On its own, however, it is not quite as interesting - the bread is slightly greasy and the cheese somewhat lacking, and it does not overtake the grilled cheese excellence of Bouchon Bakery.

And the Mustard Dressing on the Salad is Enough to Kill You

Still, the combination of the two items warrants a 5-star review (and proves to be a much better "combo" than that blasted watermelon pickle and crispy pork at Fatty Crab).

Better Together

Picture These As Fraternal Twins

Vodka's mother, a steadfast follower of Ina Garten's cookbooks (though a rabid fan of Paula Deen herself), has always sworn that Ina has some of the best taste among the Food Network stars.  And with Ina's choice of E.A.T., Vodka's mom is proven correct.

If only the sandwich always came with a side of pickles.

E.A.T.'s Grilled Cheese and Tuscan Peasant Soup: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate

Don't Mess with Two Hungry Girls on a Mission

Artisinal Bistro – Cheese Fondue
Artisanal Bistro

Our self-inflicted Food Network tour was almost over before it began.

Dying of starvation after our morning of fasting, we arrive at our first tour stop, Artisinal Bistro, to try Rocco DiSpirito’s favorite CHEESY creation: cheese fondue.  As Rocco had specified, we order a variety of dipping items: crudités (which neither of us believe is actually a word; why not just say “vegetables”?), apples, and kielbasa (Vodka Stinger, being of Polish heritage, knows her way around a garlic sausage).  And we wait.

And wait.

Still Waiting

And continue to wait.  Nary a complimentary bread basket to our name, we wait a half hour.  Neither of us being fondue connoisseurs, we figure fondue must take an extraordinary amount of time to make....  All that microwaving of cheese or whatever they do – it could take eons.

Until we see a table that has blatantly arrived after us receive their own fondue.  Then we know something is up.

We flag down our frazzled nitwit of a waiter to inquire about the delay, and he tells us that the kitchen is “very behind today.”  Okay, buddy.

This tour might not have been the Best Idea We Ever Had.

Fifteen additional minutes pass, and we are on the brink of collapsing from a deadly combination of starvation and fury, not to mention we are now decidedly behind on the itinerary.  Vodka Stinger, hailing from the wilds of New Jersey and thus not being one to let things slide, is out for the kill.  When Ginger Orchid spots a pleasant-looking fellow in a suit wandering about, Vodka Stinger gestures him over, confirms that he is indeed the manager, and begins to tattletale.

Having done a good deal of such tattletaling over the years due to inept service, Vodka Stinger knows that the key to getting things done is to remain calm, explain the situation descriptively, and use the words “disappointing” and “embarrassing” a lot (subjective terms, they’re hard for the other party to combat).  The manager listens attentively before running to the kitchen to see what's up.

At Last

And lo and behold, as if descended from the high heavens, a steaming caldron of cheese appears before us from the suddenly not “very behind today” kitchen.  It is accompanied by crudités, apples, complimentary bread bits (finally), and some limp-looking meat that we are told is called “air-dried beef.”

No kielbasa.

Not Kielbasa

We get the manager’s attention again, ask for our missing Polish delicacy, and it, too, appears, along with a promise that “Needless to say, your brunch is on us.”

This is the Best Tour Ever.

Cheesy Goodness

The fondue is all that Rocco promised, and the mystery meat that is the non-ordered air-dried beef is the best dipper of all. The cheese is gooey yet easy to maneuver, the perfect melted consistency.  We skewer the hell out of that cheese until there is nothing but a filmy residue of past deliciousness along the sides.

Good to the Last Drop

Feeling like convicts leaving our empty plates behind with no check in sight, we debate how much cash to leave for tip for entirely too long before stealing out of the restaurant with a combination of self-assured glee and Mission Impossible-like guilt.

On our way out, we thank the manager profusely; our waiter is no where in sight.

And our tour, which began “disappointing”  and “embarrassing,” is now squarely back on track.

Artisanal Bistro’s Cheese Fondue: 4 stars