Off the Map: A Rose by Any Other Name IS NOT ROSE

Roast Duck -- Upperline, New Orleans, LA

Upperline

We had such high hopes for Upperline. Boasting an owner with a distinct resemblance, at least in personality and wardrobe, to our beloved Elaine Stritch, we Uber to the place expecting an experience.

One That Is More of an Upper Than a Downer

 Unfortunately, we got one, but not in the way we were anticipating.

In Other Words, a Downer

We are here to eat Simon Majumbar's CRAZY GOOD roast duck from Best Thing I Ever Ate, but since it is our actual dinner time, we're going for the full shebang. 

Let's Pretend We Haven't Been Eating Nonstop for the Past 12 Hours

After being seated behind a table of nuns, we order a sidecar (Whiskey Sour) and a glass of rose (Vodka). And this is where the trouble begins.

Perhaps We Should Have Been Tipped Off by the Alligator Manning the Bar

Believe it or not, for all the griping Vodka and Ginger have done over the years, we very, VERY rarely send drinks back. Food? Yes. Checks? Absolutely. But booze? Booze is usually the saving grace of any meal.

Not at Upperline. 

You Call This... Rose, Do You?

As soon as our waiter returns with our glasses, Vodka eyes the deep ruby color with obvious suspicion.

"It's not white zin," the waiter says, sounding not nearly as comforting as intended.

Words One Never Wants to Hear After Ordering Rose: "White Zin"

Vodka accepts this fact as we order fried green tomatoes, fried oysters, garlic shrimp, and the roast duck. 

A Nice, Light Meal

When In Doubt, Fry It

Once the waiter departs, she takes one sip, and then another. She wills herself to find it progressively more pleasing, but this glass is more "wine cooler" than it is "rose." Sheepishly, she gestures for the waiter to return and, with apology, announces that she cannot drink this wine.

"Fine, get sauvignon blanc," he says.

"I don't like that," Vodka says. "I don't like white."

"Rose is white," he announces, his once genial tone now dripping with condescension.

Um, no buddy, it's not. Rose is rose. And if there is one thing Vodka can guarantee she has drank more of than you over the years, it is rose.

And Thanks to New Orleans Open Container Policies, This Includes Rose To-Go

Vodka settles for a glass of pinot noir, and we begin picking at the day's fourteenth loaf of bread along with our first courses. Both of our appetizers can be described as "fried" -- that's the extent of their memorability. 

"Drowning in Sauce" Would Be Another Description

Similarly, Vodka's shrimp can be summed up as "they're shrimp." 

They Tasted About as Bland as They Look

Granted, we have already eaten five other meals today, so perhaps our enthusiasm for shoving calories in our mouths is waning, but Upperline is not so much resulting in a round of applause as a slow clap.

So Far, Our Highest Compliment Is Over the Preponderance of Tiny Dishes

For Vodka, it is a pleasant change of pace to have someone else willingly order the Best Thing I Ever Ate dish, as she is generally not a huge fan of duck, while Whiskey Sour is. 

Convenient, Since Another Food Vodka Despises Is Sweet Potatoes

The duck itself is very moist and juicy, and Whiskey Sour finds it to be among some of the best she has had. But Vodka, still annoyed about the wine interaction, not that into the duck, and generally underwhelmed by the whole experience, debates the appropriate star rating.

We Haven't Mentioned Our Desserts, Which Sums Up Our Commentary on Them

A Crumble That Our Waiter May or May Not Try to Pass Off as Rose

"If someone were coming to New Orleans to eat duck, I'd recommend this place," Whiskey Sour states."

"That would be a very specific request," Vodka points out. 

And Where, Pray Tell, Would You Send Someone Looking to Eat Cornish Game Hen?

Toward the end of our meal, Upperline's own Elaine Stritch wanders back to our table and asks, "Can I bring you some more hot bread?"

It's Not Like the First Round Was Very Impressive

And for once in our lives, we turn it down.

Upperline's Roast Duck: 2 stars

Off the Map: A Bowl of Soup a Day Keeps the Vampires Away

Garlic Soup -- Bayona, New Orleans, LA

Bayona

If there is one thing Vodka and Whiskey Sour failed to predict in their many iterations of their New Orleans itinerary, it is how UTTERLY FREEZING they would be after a historical boat ride up and down the Mississippi.

Where's That Stifling NOLA Humidity We Keep Hearing About?

Luckily for Bayona, theirs is the next stop on our eating tour, and we are here to consume Simon Majumbar's favorite garlic soup from the WITH GARLIC episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. 

Please Tell Us You Have Heat

While soup is not generally something Vodka craves, being that her body temperature is lower than it has been throughout the entire New York City winter, it is a welcome vehicle for warmth.

Thank Goodness We're Not Eating Ceviche Right Now

Because we haven't eaten in a solid two hours, along with the soup, we order the veal cutlet, the shrimp and grits, and two ample cocktails: the Bayona martini for Vodka and the Driving Glove for Whiskey Sour.

The Most Surefire Way to Increase One's Body Temperature

Our frozen fingertips are pleased that the soup lands in front of us almost immediately, and it does a swell job of thawing our insides. 

It Tasted Better Than It Looked, Okay?

While garlic soup does not sound like something that would necessarily be pleasing, this variety is shockingly pleasant. In the most surefire sign of our culinary pleasure, we begin sighing contentedly after the first spoonful. 

Our Vocal Cords Tend to Reveal Our True Feelings on Any Culinary Matter

Sprinkled with a solid helping of crunchy garlic, the soup has much more nuance of flavor than we had been anticipating. (Though it also causes us to exhale straight garlic for the rest of the day.) 

Shocking That the Entire Place Does Not Reek of Garlic Breath

Both of our entrees are also quite tasty (read: warm), but the thing we find most lovely about Bayona is, despite the chaotic surroundings happening directly outside, it is a welcome, quiet refuge from the French Quarter shenanigans.

Whiskey Sour's First Shrimp Head Experience

Vodka's Politically Incorrect Meat

Scenic Patio Which We're Too Cold to Make Use Of

Still relishing the novelty of New Orleans's open container policies, Vodka asks for a second Bayona martini to go, and we stumble back into the chaos warmer, drunker, and thus significantly more in line with the riffraff surrounding us.

The French Quarter's Version of "Water"

Bayona's Garlic Soup: 4 stars

Off the Map: Toto, I've a Feeling We ARE in Kansas After All

Pan-Fried Chicken -- Stroud's Restaurant and Bar, Fairway, KS

Stroud's Restaurant and Bar

By the time Vodka and Mezcal cross state lines and enter Stroud's Restaurant and Bar, home of Simon Majumbar's Best Thing I Ever Ate LAST SUPPER dish, we have already consumed two breakfasts and are about to embark on a barbeque crawl.

We Are Nothing If Not Devoted to Our Cause

Which means, naturally, that we order a full fried chicken dinner including all the proverbial bells and whistles.

Including a Complimentary Basket of Crackers, Because Why Not?

We are here for the pan fried chicken, and perhaps sensing how overwhelmed we seem by the menu, our waitress proposes that we get the lunch special with two pieces of chicken, green beans, potatoes, a soup or salad, and cinnamon rolls. 

So, You Know, a Light Meal

As it happens, said waitress is the only person this entire trip to take even a slight bit of interest in the fact that we do not live within a five-mile radius. 

There's a Whole World Out There

She also reveals that she has worked at Stroud's for thirty years -- "before you girls were born" -- and the fact that she thinks we are still twenty-something endears her to us immediately.

Feel Free to Card Us for the Pitcher of Diet Coke

In a surprising turn of events, the salad that arrives before the rest of the platters proves to be the most unexpectedly pleasing part of the meal. 

Rabbit Food with a Side of Cholesterol

Doused with a gallon of homemade ranch and a healthy smattering of cheese and croutons, it has the exact carb-to-lettuce ratio that we're looking for.

Preparing to Lick the Plate Clean

While we decline to order a cocktail -- even after we spot a beverage called the "chicken choker" -- Stroud's offers a full bar, which somehow seems off-brand for a restaurant that also boasts an entire corner's worth of styrofoam to-go containers. 

We'll Take Our Artisan Cocktail with a Side of Non-Disposable Waste

When Mezcal requests a Diet Coke, an entire pitcher is placed on our table -- a portion soon matched by the bevy of food assembled before us.

The Midwestern Version of Pre-Gaming Thanksgiving

First things first, the chicken about which Simon Majumbar had raved is nothing more than okay. 

It Even Looks Like It's In Desperate Need of a Salt Shaker

While the meat itself is quite moist, it has next to no flavor, and the skin is similarly lacking in seasoning. 

Juicy but Also Blah

After Vodka drowns hers in salt and hot sauce, it is more enjoyable, but still not up to the standards of many of the other fried chickens featured on Best Thing I Ever Ate.

"Kansas Fried Chicken" Doesn't Exactly Have the Same Ring to It

The green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, and cinnamon rolls are all similarly good enough, but not outstanding. 

And Considering This is Vodka's Third Cinnamon Roll of the Trip, She Should Know

The whole experience feels very similar to Babe's Chicken Dinner House in Texas, where the leftover potential is even more important than the meal itself. 

Have Some Potatoes with Your Gravy

Sadly for us, and for Stroud's rating, we have too much eating ahead of us to partake in a doggie bag, and we head out empty handed.

So Much Styrofoam, So Little Time

"Remember, girls," our waitress calls after us, "you won't be young forever!" And with that uplifting goodbye, we head back down the yellow brick road and out of Kansas without a single chicken bone in tow.

Stroud's Restaurant and Bar's Pan-Fried Chicken: 3 stars