This Must Be How Olive Garden Tastes to Other People

Linguine with Clams and Mussels in Saffron Broth -- Tree Bistro

Tree Bistro

Call us crazy, but once a restaurant has a particular dish featured on a national television program, they should not take said dish off of their menu for YEARS on end.  This has always been our issue with Tree Bistro which, despite having the linguine with clams and mussels in saffron broth featured by Danny Boome on the OBSESSIONS episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, did not actually offer this pasta for the majority of the five years we have been doing this blog.

Um, Do You Think You're Too Good for the Food Network? Because No One Is Too Good for the Food Network

Clearly, times are hard at Tree nowadays, as suddenly there is a "seafood linguine" dish back on the menu, along with the demarcation that this was the dish "featured on Best Thing I Ever Ate!"  It appears this ploy for publicity is too little, too late, as when we walk in for our 6:00 PM reservation on a Friday, the place is completely and totally empty.  

Do You Hear the Proverbial Crickets Chirping?

We are seated on the all-season patio by ourselves, Ginger positioning herself directly in front of the heater, and our solo dining experience would remain this way for the entirety of our meal.  It seems we're not the only ones that have grown fed up with Tree's "now you see it, now you don't" menu antics.

'Tis the Problem with Being Wishy-Washy With Your Linguine, We Suppose

We place our order, Vodka for the seafood linguine, and Ginger for the burger.  When we're asked whether or not we'd like an appetizer, it is all we can do not to reply, "No, we already ate a cheesecake," and we instead dive into the provided bread basket, all but polishing off all six slices by the time our waitress returns with the wine.  

Yes, We'll Take Another Loaf, Thanks

It is during this time that Ginger announces, as if she has had some huge philosophical epiphany, "I've come to realize that there are two types of people in the world: the fun people and the unfun people."  

Translation: Fun People Order a Bottle of Wine at Dinner (or Two or Three); Unfun People Don't

While we would consider ourselves squarely in the "fun" group, we're not sure the staff of Tree feels the same, as the person refilling our water decides to ask Vodka, "How did you hear about this place?"  (We assume they are trying to figure out how they got two more customers than usual on a Friday night.)

"Best Thing I Ever Ate," Vodka answers her, which is greeted with surprise, as if even the workers themselves had forgotten this place ever had their fifteen seconds of fame.

It Seems Instead of Serving Their Famous Linguine, Tree Was Choosing to Emboss Their Wine Glasses

Thankfully for Tree, our blog is about as popular as they are, so legions of people will not see our not-so-glowing review of their alleged Best Thing I Ever Ate linguine.  We say "alleged" because we are not convinced this is actually the dish that Danny Boome tasted on the show, being that we can't discern even the slightest hint of saffron in the broth.  

Someone Please Place "Saffron" on the Back of a Milk Carton, Because It's Missing

While the linguine noodles themselves are fairly pleasing, the accompanying mussels and clams are downright cold, and the broth itself is underwhelming at best, and overly salty at worst (even to our heavily salted palates).  

Cold as a Fish. Literally

Ginger's burger is similarly edible, but not all that special (especially when she manages to massacre it with her fork and knife, which is what she inexplicably tends to do to all burgers.  This practice causes Vodka to note, "You eat a burger in a very disturbing way.")

How Does This Possibly Happen?!

We want to say that this particular bowl of pasta is no better than what one could find at a local Olive Garden -- but then again, we love Olive Garden, so we don't wish to disparage them in such a way.  Instead, we think this dish must be like what other people -- the people who look down on Olive Garden -- taste when they go to the holiest of Italian chain eateries.  

Related Thought: Does Olive Garden Serve French Fries? Because They Should

Overall, we do not understand how one could ever be "obsessed" with this dish, and by the looks of the empty tables at Tree, it's becoming more obvious that no one really is.  Perhaps this should teach all restaurants a valuable lesson about ever removing a Best Thing I Ever Ate-featured dish from their menu: that not only will it hurt their attendance levels, but it will also do something much, much more disturbing: make them look completely "unfun."

Tree Bistro's Linguine with Clams and Mussels in Saffron Broth: 3 stars

Off the Map: This Crab Cake Could Stand for Some Tartar Sauce

Lemon-Scallion Dungeness Crab Cakes-- Dahlia Lounge, Seattle, WA
Dahlia Lounge

The first thing you need to know about Vodka's second full day in Seattle is that she took a duck tour by herself.  No, not just sans Chianti, who was at work (the nerve!), but ALL ALONE ON THE DUCK.  

And Let's Just Say the Duck Boats Don't Look as "Sturdy" As These Contraptions

To give you the proper imagery, just know that besides the tour guide, Vodka was the only one riding around the streets and water of Seattle (and the tour guide, for the record, refused to change his shtick despite the fact that Vodka was the only one on the tour.  For instance, "Anyone who has a quacker, now's the time to use them!"  Hey buddy, I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE).

Humiliation, Duck-Style

Cue Celine Dion Belting "All By Myself"

As you might recall, this is not the first time Vodka has found herself on a solo tour around a city.  Clearly the combination of strict adherence to one's itinerary and total lack of shame at being, say, saluted by a boat of fellow duck captains is quickly making for a pattern in her life.

SERIOUSLY -- They Are All SALUTING

Anyway, back to the eating: the next stop on the Seattle list is Dahlia Lounge, the first of three Tom Douglas restaurants (in a one-block radius) featured on Best Thing I Ever Ate.  

Nice Potted Shrubbery

In truth, the next stop was SUPPOSED to be Le Pichet, but as yet another strike against Seattle's seasonal food policies, they were not serving the raclette (which consists of -- wait for it -- cheese and potatoes.  HOW IS THAT SEASONAL?!).  Call us crazy, but if one of your dishes is ever featured on a Food Network program, you should be REQUIRED to feature it AT ALL TIMES.

Hey Market -- Ever Hear of Importing?

With that said, if there is one thing Vodka can say about Dahlia Lounge, it is that at least the lemon-scallion Dungeness crab cakes, as Giada Di Laurentiis talked about on the OBSESSIONS episode of the show, are on the menu.  

When It Comes to Best Thing I Ever Ate - Seattle, Half the Battle is the Food Showing Up

They also receive another ten points for handing Vodka, immediately upon sitting down, a sheet of cocktail options with the commentary, "Here's the booze list."  Way to prioritize, Dahlia.

Also Always Appreciative of a Themed Cocktail Napkin. It's the Little Things

Placing her order for a blueberry vodka soda (which is strong and thus wonderful) and a serving of the crab cakes (currently being served with emmer farro pilaf, marcona almond, dried cranberry, pumpkin ketchup, and cilantro), the bartender hands Vodka a parmesan and quince paste tasting spoon, which is, in a word, awful.  

Other Synonym Possibilities: Terrible. Horrible. Disgusting

Overly sweet and fig-like, it is all Vodka can do, after taking the whole portion into her mouth (after all, it does feature the word "parmesan") not to spit it out.

Spoon of Horror

The crab cakes arrive soon after, and the two of them are served atop a salad of farro and a side of orange ketchup.  The crab cakes themselves are lightly battered and fried, and the first taste of them reveals:

a) lemon -- SO MUCH lemon;
b) a crab shell (this is at least the third time this has happened in Seattle.  Let’s not even get started on our experiences in New York);
c) not nearly enough breading.

Now, understandably, Vodka is most likely alone on her feelings regarding point C, as she prefers a patty enclosed by carbs.  The crab meat itself, which is indeed plentiful here, is almost... too much.  And definitively too lemony.

And without a doubt in need of some tartar sauce.

Hi, Yes, Might You Have Any Condiments?

While the crab cakes are all around "fine" (to be fair, Chianti, who winds up eating Vodka's leftovers, finds them much more agreeable than Vodka does), the side portion of farro and dried cranberries is downright amazing -- the perfect combinations of textures and flavors, it manages to overshadow the crab cakes completely.  (The pumpkin ketchup, in contrast, is strange at best and rather gross at worst).

Ketchup Is Not Meant to be a Putrid Orange

When Vodka has finished making her way through this plate, she waves over the bartender and asks for him to wrap up the remainder of her dish (which is at least half of the initial portion).  And this is where the real trouble with Dahlia starts.  

Half a Plate's Worth. Keep This Image in Mind

The bartender escorts the plate away, and Vodka lays down her OpenTable gift certificate and credit card to pay.

"We don't take these," he says, pointing to the gift certificate.

"Yes, you do," Vodka insists.  "You take OpenTable reservations, so you take their gift certificates."

With a definitive look of non-belief, the bartender says, "Well, I've never seen one before.  I will have to check."  Yeah, you do that, mister.  And guess what?  You'll discover that you TAKE THE GIFT CARDS. 

Also, Could You Throw in a Side of Regular Ketchup in the Bag? Thanks

It is during this little display of discourteousness that Chianti and her friends make their appearance, and Vodka relocates to the booth directly behind her bar stool.  Alerting the bartender as to her new location, he returns with her finished bill (and guess what?  Miracle of miracles, the gift certificate works!) and no leftovers.  Vodka inquires about them.  No response.

We place our order for a new round of cocktails, and 15 minutes later, when a doggie bag has still not appeared, Vodka sicks our new waiter on the bartender.  Apparently, Mr. Know-It-All has had to have the kitchen whip up a new round of crab cakes, as they had thrown out the rest of Vodka's serving.  Way to use your listening skills, Big Shot.

PS As You Throw Together This New Round of Cakes, Feel Free to Use Less Lemon

Finally, a container featuring one crab cake and a smattering of farro arrives, and our initial impressiveness at Dahlia's willingness to create a new dish quickly dissipates.  Especially when Vodka finally looks at her receipt, and discovers that said crab cakes cost $32.  $32?!  What is this, New York?!

$16 a Cake?! Not Cool, Mr. Douglas

We eventually stumble out of Dahlia Lounge and onto our next Tom Douglas locale, solitary crab cake in hand and determined that before we consume this overpriced leftover, we will first stop off at the grocery store to acquire some tartar sauce.


Dahlia Lounge's Lemon-Scallion Dungeness Crab Cakes: 3 stars

Off the Map: Is That a Rooster?!

Fried Buffalo Wings -- The Jug Handle Inn, Cinnaminson, NJ
The Jug Handle Inn

Here's the thing about The Jug Handle Inn: Vodka has passed the establishment hundreds of times over the course of her life, and she has never so much as even noticed it.  Located on a nondescript patch of Route 73 in Cinnaminson, NJ, the Inn essentially looks like an overgrown shore house.

Well, Isn't This "Scenic"?

Vodka and her mother pull into the parking lot, which is so packed with cars that we are certain that the Jug Handle must have at least four layers of basements in order to accommodate all of these patrons.

All of the Best Foods in the World Are Located Off of South Jersey Highways (...)

Making our way hesitantly towards the front door, we hear the unmistakable sound of a cock-a-doodle-doo, followed directly by the sight of multiple roosters bobbing their way past The Jug Handle Inn's entranceway.

Photographic Evidence from the Barnyard Bar

Once again, this place is located ON A HIGHWAY and is not exactly in Ruraltown, USA.  Where did the roosters come from?

Well, This Explains Why The Jug Handle Inn Is Known for Their Chicken Wings....

Making our way into the place, we are confronted with the unmistakable rambunctious sounds of a sports bar and find some of South Jersey's "finest" residents cozied around the extra-long, circular counter.  "Shockingly," a place called "The Jug Handle Inn" does not employ a hostess, leaving us frantically searching for someone -- anyone -- to help us procure some chicken wings to go.

Perhaps the Rooster Also Serves as the Bouncer?

Eventually Vodka's mother confronts a waitress emerging from the kitchen, and she leads us to one of the surrounding tables to help with our order.  We are sure that we are here for Aaron McCargo, Jr.'s favorite fried buffalo wings from the OBSESSIONS episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, but we are unsure about nearly everything else.

Namely Why the Concept Friends Meeting Requires Three Exclamation Points

When another waitress informs us that we can leave the wings dry and get as many sauces as we like in which to dip them once we get home, we settle on the mild blend, the hot and honey, and the bald eagle (the lethally spicy sauce of which Aaron spoke).

On the Wings of Love

Do-It-Yourself Dips

We top the order off with a side of gravy fries and two cocktails to sip while we wait.  And by the time we are halfway through our drinks, we have decided that The Jug Handle Inn is our new favorite place on the planet.

The Addition of Booze Tends to Have Such Effects on Vodka's Family

Now, admittedly, there is nothing quite like the impact of wine- and vodka soda-goggles to make Vodka and her mother fall in love with a place, but we soon decide that The Jug Handle Inn is hysterical.  First of all, the waitstaff is excessively nice, and much more "normal" than one would assume to find in a place like this.  The patrons themselves vary so widely across the age spectrum that one can't help but be amused, and best of all, the Jug Handle's cocktails are downright delicious.  When our to-go bag of wings arrives, we are almost sad to leave.

But Then Again, We Have Freshly Fried Wings Awaiting Us

To comfort us upon our departure, there are another three roosters waiting by our car to bid us farewell.  Seriously now, Jug Handle Inn, WHAT IS WITH THE ROOSTERS?

Is This South Jersey or Montana?!

Anyway, once the wings have been escorted home, we find them to be almost all that Aaron McCargo, Jr. had promised.  Fried and crispy on the outside and juicy and meaty on the inside, the wings themselves, even dry, are quite delectable. 

Wing Around the Rosie

The same can be said for the mild dipping sauce, and even for the hot and honey one.  The bald eagle sauce, on the other hand, is nearly enough to tar and feather a rooster on impact.

Apparently, This Sauce Is the Reason Bald Eagles Are Endangered

Looking remarkably like cocktail sauce, one would never assume by its appearance that it is enough to tear all tastebuds off of one's tongue, which is why Vodka's mother takes a deep dip to taste... and then nearly keels over.

Death by Chicken Wing

Essentially Poison

In truth, it takes at least half of the container of the (also delicious) French fries to lessen the impact of the deadly sauce, and even the fries' generous helpings of cheese, gravy, and carb-loaded goodness isn't enough to completely erase the sting.

Sauce on the Side, French Fry Edition

The bald eagle sauce aside, we would most certainly be open to another visit to The Jug Handle Inn, where we would plan to eat wings, drink cocktails, and be merry until the cows came home.

Or, in this case, the roosters.

Now You See It...

...Now You Don't

The Jug Handle Inn's Fried Buffalo Wings: 4 stars

Off the Map: Sleeping on the Job in New Jersey

Triple Coconut Cream Pie -- Ritz Seafood, Voorhees, NJ
Ritz Seafood

Somehow, for people who don't like coconut, we sure seem to be consuming a lot of it lately.

This time, Vodka found the triple coconut cream pie with which Delilah Winder is obsessed at Ritz Seafood in Voorhees, NJ.  Well, Vodka didn't so much find it, as her enabling mother did.  It seems mildly telling that said pie was featured on the OBSESSIONS episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, as the mission of this blog has taken on a family-wide monomania in Vodka's household.

New Jersey Pies Can Withstand the Meanest of Heatwaves

Anyway, Vodka, nearly dead from carting her dog down from New York in 100-degree temperatures, is presented with a slice of coconut pie by her mother.  The slice has been packaged in a styrofoam container, yet it is sadly still ten times more attractive-looking than the slab of coconut cake presented to us on actual tableware at Smith and Wollensky.

Mostly Because It Does Not Feature Mystery Goo

A thin crust holds together two thick layers of sumptuous cream, one coconut and the other whipped.  Sprinkled on top of the slice are white chocolate curls and toasted coconut shavings.

Gotta Love a Pie Doo-Dad

The pie is rather lovely.

Especially When It Is Accessorized with Some Fine China

As we dig in, my mother relates that upon arriving at Ritz Seafood to try to procure this slice of pie to-go, she found no one at the hostess stand despite the packed house in the dining room.  Wedged in the back booth, a figure could be found bent over an appointment book in deep concentration.  With no other worker in sight, my mom approached this person, only to discover that she was not hard at work scheduling reservations, but rather, she was fast asleep.

SHE WAS FAST ASLEEP.

Who Was In Charge of the Pies?!

"Excuse me," my mom said.  Nothing.

"EXCUSE ME," she repeated.  The figure popped awake and groggily instructed another suddenly-available staff member to fetch a piece of triple coconut cream pie to-go.  When paying for the $8 slice, my mom discovered, via newspaper clippings hanging at the entrance, that Rip Van Winkle is none other than the owner of Ritz Seafood.

Who Happens to Think The Title of "The Best Thing I Ever Ate" is "The Best Of" - See Website

Needless to say, if Ginger and I had encountered such a sleepy scenario in our Best Thing I Ever Ate travels, we would still not have recovered from fits of laughter.

And Vodka Probably Would Have Procured a Discount

Anyway, regarding the pie: it is presumably called "triple coconut" because the substance can be found in the outer shavings, in the coconut cream, and baked within the crust itself (though it is not visible in the last component).

Close-Up of Coconut in the Cream Fail

Considering not one member of my family likes coconut, and we all find this pie rather enjoyable, I'm sure it would be delectable to a true coconut lover.  The coconut cream is particularly surprising in its sturdy deliciousness, though truth be told, the flavor of the pie slice as a whole is not particularly strong (the white chocolate curls especially lack the usual white chocolate sweetness).

But is this coconut cream pie worth waking up for each day?  Yes, Owner of Ritz Seafood.  Yes, it is.

Ritz Seafood's Triple Coconut Cream Pie: 4 stars