Off the Map: First of All, It's Not Yellow, and Second of All, It Doesn't Look Like a Submarine

Cheesesteak -- Yellow Submarine, Maple Shade, NJ
Yellow Submarine

Vodka has come to the realization that to an outsider, the Best Thing I Ever Ate choices from her home state would make one assume that all restaurants in South Jersey are dumps.

We Present Exhibit A

With no offense intended to the various Food Network-featured establishments, they almost all share a certain world-weary grunginess that a master real estate agent would refer to as "character."  From Carmen's Deli's once-white-but-now-beige stucco facade, to Ritz Seafood's narcoleptic employees; from The Jug Handle Inn's roosters to Panzarotti Pizza King's, well... it's in CAMDEN, South Jersey is not having a strong showing in terms of decor.

Party City Clearance Sale?

However, if one location has to take the prize on the "character" scale, it is the Yellow Submarine in Maple Shade, NJ.  Aaron McCargo, Jr. had chosen the place in a cheesesteak run-off with Carmen's Deli on the BETWEEN BREAD episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, so Vodka calls ahead to place her pick-up order for one cheesesteak and a side of onion rings.

For the record, she appears to be Yellow Submarine's ONLY customer for the entire afternoon.

Cue the Crickets

When Vodka's chauffeur (her mother) approaches the Yellow Submarine parking lot, she is aghast.  "This can't be it, can it?" she asks with mild concern.  Unfortunately, the giant sign proclaiming "Yellow Submarine" perched on the roof of the gas station-shaped establishment confirms her fears.

Looking Remarkably Like an NYC Taxi Stand

A picnic table that appears as though it hasn't been used in decades sits outside of the building, and if it weren't for the proliferation of patriotic stars and stripes hanging on the front door and the various decals proclaiming the "Best in South Jersey Cheesesteak," one would almost certainly assume that the place were vacant.

Yellow Submarine: The Setting of the Next Goosebumps Book

Vodka wanders inside and finds nary a soul -- the booths are empty and the counter is bare.  Is this Maple Shade or the Twilight Zone?

Does No One Eat Cheesesteaks Anymore?!

Out of nowhere, she hears a voice call, "Someone's here!" and a not-entirely-pleasant-looking employee eventually meanders up to the front.  "Pick up?" she asks without affect.  Vodka nods, and in response, the girl dumps a heap of onion rings into the deep fryer.

Service With a Smile Is Not Exactly What South Jersey Is Known For

Once the rings are properly fried, Vodka pays her $15 tab, which seems rather lofty, and she and her mother make their way out of Maple Shade (ironically encountering a bright yellow building en route, which Vodka's mother insists is the way the Yellow Submarine should look).

And While They're At It, They May Want to Start Vacuuming Their Only Rug

When we arrive home, Vodka discovers that the "large" cheesesteak she has ordered is roughly the size of a party hoagie.  It seems Yellow Submarine's cheesesteaks come in mini, small, and large -- the large being a full, sixteen-inch gargantuan-sized feast.

Perfect Prop for a Future "I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing" Commercial

Living Large

When Vodka tears into the packaging, she notices that the cheesesteak is still supremely hot, despite its wait and travel time, and that due to the ventilation hole that the ever-chipper employee had cut into the side of the styrofoam onion ring box, they remain deceivingly fresh.

Kudos on the Ventilation, Yellow Submarine

Why Is This Not Standard Practice? Genius!

Contorting the sandwich into a variety of shapes for picture purposes, Vodka eventually removes half of it and proceeds to cut it down the middle to share with her chauffeur.

And Ideally, About 85 Other Family Members

The first bite proves to be the ideal type of cheesesteak for Vodka's tastebuds -- finely chopped flavorful meet, oodles of provolone cheese, and soft, moldable bread.

Yellow Submarine's Portions = A Herd of Cattle's Worst Nightmare

Featuring a generous amount of steak melding itself perfectly into the roll, this cheesesteak is among the best Vodka has ever had, on par with Tony Luke's variety and much preferred to the version she tasted from Carmen's Deli.

Gold Medal Cheesesteak

In contrast, Vodka's mother is not over the moon with Yellow Submarine's creation for the exact reason that Vodka is: the bread.  Vodka hates hard Italian rolls (which had been featured at Carmen's Deli) and much prefers soft, pliable bread products; her mother feels the opposite.  Despite these differences, we are equally impressed with the lack of grease dripping from Yellow Submarine's sandwich, and though we are only able to polish off half of the cheesesteak in a sitting, we think it is worth the rather steep price tag.

And the Onion Rings Are Worth Their Weight in Scrumptious Gold

And while the Yellow Submarine may not have done much to disprove the Food Network's seeming desire to prove that South Jersey is comprised only of dumpy restaurants, it is an absolute notch in the post of Vodka's theory that the best Philly cheesesteaks actually come from South Jersey.

It Is, After All, From Where All Classy Things Come

Yellow Submarine's Cheesesteak: 4 stars

Off the Map: Is That a Rooster?!

Fried Buffalo Wings -- The Jug Handle Inn, Cinnaminson, NJ
The Jug Handle Inn

Here's the thing about The Jug Handle Inn: Vodka has passed the establishment hundreds of times over the course of her life, and she has never so much as even noticed it.  Located on a nondescript patch of Route 73 in Cinnaminson, NJ, the Inn essentially looks like an overgrown shore house.

Well, Isn't This "Scenic"?

Vodka and her mother pull into the parking lot, which is so packed with cars that we are certain that the Jug Handle must have at least four layers of basements in order to accommodate all of these patrons.

All of the Best Foods in the World Are Located Off of South Jersey Highways (...)

Making our way hesitantly towards the front door, we hear the unmistakable sound of a cock-a-doodle-doo, followed directly by the sight of multiple roosters bobbing their way past The Jug Handle Inn's entranceway.

Photographic Evidence from the Barnyard Bar

Once again, this place is located ON A HIGHWAY and is not exactly in Ruraltown, USA.  Where did the roosters come from?

Well, This Explains Why The Jug Handle Inn Is Known for Their Chicken Wings....

Making our way into the place, we are confronted with the unmistakable rambunctious sounds of a sports bar and find some of South Jersey's "finest" residents cozied around the extra-long, circular counter.  "Shockingly," a place called "The Jug Handle Inn" does not employ a hostess, leaving us frantically searching for someone -- anyone -- to help us procure some chicken wings to go.

Perhaps the Rooster Also Serves as the Bouncer?

Eventually Vodka's mother confronts a waitress emerging from the kitchen, and she leads us to one of the surrounding tables to help with our order.  We are sure that we are here for Aaron McCargo, Jr.'s favorite fried buffalo wings from the OBSESSIONS episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, but we are unsure about nearly everything else.

Namely Why the Concept Friends Meeting Requires Three Exclamation Points

When another waitress informs us that we can leave the wings dry and get as many sauces as we like in which to dip them once we get home, we settle on the mild blend, the hot and honey, and the bald eagle (the lethally spicy sauce of which Aaron spoke).

On the Wings of Love

Do-It-Yourself Dips

We top the order off with a side of gravy fries and two cocktails to sip while we wait.  And by the time we are halfway through our drinks, we have decided that The Jug Handle Inn is our new favorite place on the planet.

The Addition of Booze Tends to Have Such Effects on Vodka's Family

Now, admittedly, there is nothing quite like the impact of wine- and vodka soda-goggles to make Vodka and her mother fall in love with a place, but we soon decide that The Jug Handle Inn is hysterical.  First of all, the waitstaff is excessively nice, and much more "normal" than one would assume to find in a place like this.  The patrons themselves vary so widely across the age spectrum that one can't help but be amused, and best of all, the Jug Handle's cocktails are downright delicious.  When our to-go bag of wings arrives, we are almost sad to leave.

But Then Again, We Have Freshly Fried Wings Awaiting Us

To comfort us upon our departure, there are another three roosters waiting by our car to bid us farewell.  Seriously now, Jug Handle Inn, WHAT IS WITH THE ROOSTERS?

Is This South Jersey or Montana?!

Anyway, once the wings have been escorted home, we find them to be almost all that Aaron McCargo, Jr. had promised.  Fried and crispy on the outside and juicy and meaty on the inside, the wings themselves, even dry, are quite delectable. 

Wing Around the Rosie

The same can be said for the mild dipping sauce, and even for the hot and honey one.  The bald eagle sauce, on the other hand, is nearly enough to tar and feather a rooster on impact.

Apparently, This Sauce Is the Reason Bald Eagles Are Endangered

Looking remarkably like cocktail sauce, one would never assume by its appearance that it is enough to tear all tastebuds off of one's tongue, which is why Vodka's mother takes a deep dip to taste... and then nearly keels over.

Death by Chicken Wing

Essentially Poison

In truth, it takes at least half of the container of the (also delicious) French fries to lessen the impact of the deadly sauce, and even the fries' generous helpings of cheese, gravy, and carb-loaded goodness isn't enough to completely erase the sting.

Sauce on the Side, French Fry Edition

The bald eagle sauce aside, we would most certainly be open to another visit to The Jug Handle Inn, where we would plan to eat wings, drink cocktails, and be merry until the cows came home.

Or, in this case, the roosters.

Now You See It...

...Now You Don't

The Jug Handle Inn's Fried Buffalo Wings: 4 stars

Off the Map: Too Much Like a Brick

Panzarotti -- Franco's Place, Haddonfield, NJ
Franco's Place
The Original Tarantini Panzarotti Company

Well, this settles it: Best Thing I Ever Ate is officially trying to get us killed.

Going to Harlem in the name of barbeque is one thing; venturing to Camden for a fried pizza is a whole other ball game.

Nothing Like Losing Your Life in the Name of Deep-Fried Pepperoni

If there is anything that is drilled into the head of any South Jersey suburban child, it is one phrase: Don't go to Camden.  This philosophy is instilled in us at such a young age that one time in high school, when Vodka and her friend, the infamous Bloody Mary, accidentally stumbled upon a "You are now entering the City of Camden" sign while driving, the sight resulted in nothing less than a piercing scream of horror from both of them.  Suffice it to say that Camden is always at the top of the Most Dangerous Cities list and is not exactly a world-renowned culinary destination.

We Hear Camden is Lovely This Time of Year...?

And since Camden, in the form of Panzarotti Pizza King, appears on the WITH MY HANDS episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, we are now convinced that the Food Network is trying to kill off its viewership.

Or At Least Its Two Most Idiotic Members

Luckily, prior to risking her life and the future of this blog in Camden, Vodka stumbled upon an important piece of knowledge: Panzarotti Pizza King does not create their own panzarotti.  They merely cook those sent to them by the main panzarotti distributor, The Original Tarantini Panzarotti, whose goods are available across the Philadelphia area.

In dozens upon dozens of places that are NOT Camden, NJ.

Thanks for choosing the most terrifying location of them all, Aaron McCargo, Jr.

Here's a Tip: Camden Doesn't Look Like This

Vodka instead heads over to Franco's Place in Haddonfield, NJ, which is about as far a cry from Camden, NJ as one can get.

In Other Words, Haddonfield = the Set of Gilmore Girls

Franco's, while not exactly a Michelin Star locale, is perfect for one reason: they serve Tarantini Panzarotti, and they feature this fact prominently in their windows.

Panzarotti Are the Main Franco's Attraction: Display #1...

...and Display #2

Vodka's mother has placed their order by phone for Vodka to pick up on her way home from her hair appointment (an important South Jersey homecoming ritual if ever there was one).  When Vodka enters Franco's, a paper bag of steaming hot panzarotti awaits her.

The Classiest Meals Get Served Via Doggie Bag

We have ordered four panzarotti total for sampling purposes: pepperoni, sweet sausage, white, and Philly cheesesteak.

And Needless to Say, We Didn't Go with the Mini Option

So imagine Vodka's surprise when she unpacks the bag on the kitchen table only to find a styrofoam container of non-panzarotti greeting her.

Aaron McCargo, Jr. Did Not Eat This!

"What is this?" she asks her mother, as if she is incapable of recognizing French fries.

Ask the Above Question in Your Most Accusatory Tone for a More Realistic Interpretation

"Oh, I ordered bacon cheese fries, too," her mom answers.  Indeed, as Vodka continues to unpack the bag, she finds the correct four panzarotti underneath said fries and begins her photographic rampage.

Must Take Photo of Each Panzarotti Separately...

...Because They All Look So Different?

Playing the role of Ginger tonight is Vodka's father, who seems hellbent on reaching a hand, arm, or panzarotti across the table at the exact moment when Vodka is about to snap the photo, distorting the background every time.

Shadows Cropped Out To Protect the Guilty

When everyone is finally allowed to dive in, we find that the average butter knife is not nearly strong enough to break through the panzarotti shell.  Eventually resorting to biting in directly, we find each panzarotti stuffed with a plethora of cheese and grease, plus, of course, their assorted toppings.

PacMan Spilling His Guts

First up, the pepperoni panzarotti features more pepperoni than could be found on a large pizza, all folded and crammed in beside the mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce.  Combined with the crispy pull of the fried outer dough, the whole creation is a wonder of the senses.

And a Wonder to the Scale the Next Morning

Vibrant and red to look at and steaming on the fingers, the panzarotti manages to stay together as one form despite every obstacle, and it is much easier to eat than a runny calzone (and in some cases, pizza itself).

All Food Should Come in Pocket Form

The pepperoni and white varieties are Vodka's favorites, as the white is stuffed full of nothing but gooping layers of cheese and hearty balls of garlic.

Anything Featuring This Much Cheese Can Never Be Bad

The sausage panzarotti is overflowing with meat, which somehow appears more sliced than sausage-like, and thus packs every bite with a hit of sweet meatiness.

A Festival of Meat

Finally, the cheesesteak version has steak, fried onions, and Cheez Whiz instead of mozzarella cheese (and the Cheez Whiz tends to hide itself in the corners of the panzarotti square).

Heaven Forbid We Don't Have a Cheesesteak Version of Everything in South Jersey

Each of the panzarotti is tasty in its own way (and the bacon cheese fries which are crashing this party aren't bad either).

Not Your Typical Jimmy Dean Sausage

At least, Vodka and her mother think they're good, as they bite into a rotating cast of the four varieties long after her dad has left the table, summing up his panzarotti experience as being "too much like a brick" (and with pointed assessments like that, we believe the NY Times food critics should start fearing for their job security).

A Panzarotti Tasting Menu

The next morning, Vodka returns to the refrigerator for panzarotti leftovers, knowing that the true test of any good pizza dish is its ability to be eaten cold in one's pajamas in the early hours of the day.  Biting into the white variety, Vodka finds that it has indeed withstood the night, tasting more than ever like a pizza wrapped up in a fried eggroll (a glowing comparison by our standards).

Everything Should Taste Like an Eggroll

In sum, it is now clear to Vodka why the Tarantini Panzarotti has become a South Jersey staple; what she does not understand is why anyone would ever go to Camden in order to find one.

Franco's Place's Panzarotti: 4 stars