Off the Map: San Diego's Most Disjointed Dining Establishment

Oxtail Gnocchi - Herb & Wood, San Diego, CA

Herb & Wood

San Diego, you are not off to a fortuitous start.

First of All, the Level of SUN in This Place

After two and a half years of varying degrees of quarantine (a great deal of it self-imposed - an introvert needs some alone time), Vodka is finally back out on the road with her friend, Vesper (who names herself after a cocktail for which she is incapable of listing any details or ingredients, other than "they drink them in James Bond movies").

No Photos of a Vesper Exist Since "Vesper" Never Actually Ordered One

Vodka's inaugural plane trip takes her to San Diego for, what else, a Bernadette Peters concert. But just about the only other thing populating her and Vesper's color-coded itinerary is a litany of dining establishments.

Vodka Only Leaves Her House to Eat, Drink, or Attend Bernadette Peters Concerts

Immediately after disembarking their plane, they head to Puesto for tacos and margaritas (which were good) followed by Brigantine Seafood and Oyster Bar for bay views and oysters (which were less good, considering Oyster #1 nearly took out Vesper in the first hour of our trip, and the whole plate was subsequently refunded).

By the Grace of the Travel Gods, Vesper Somehow Did Not Spend Her Whole Trip Here

For "dinner" (if such a "continuum of eating" can have actual meals attached) that night, Vodka and Vesper head to Herb & Wood in the city's Little Italy neighborhood, home of Beau MacMillan's favorite oxtail gnocchi from the SPECIAL OCCASION episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate.

How Many Bars Can One Saddle Up to in One Weekend?

Right off the bat, Herb & Wood is... a lot. The decor is eclectic at best and downright dichotomous at worst (the first room, where the (beautiful) bar is located, is a club scene; our dining room is a library).

And This Fellow Is Hanging Out at the Front Door

Also, despite the fact that we've been in San Diego all of a single afternoon, we have found the residents exceedingly nice so far. Friendly without trying too hard, pleasant without being annoying. Our waiter is none of these things.

And Based on Our Early Bird Dining Hour, It's Not Like He's Busy....

Chillier then our chosen bottle of Sancerre, he is far from welcoming or attentive, and it is our most disappointing service experience in San Diego by far.

We Would Have Found This Room Charming If the People Working in It Were the Same

As far as the food, the tuna tartare, which we share as an appetizer, is varying degrees of "fine." 

Here's a Picture of the Menu in Lieu of Actual Notes

Vesper enjoys it more than Vodka, as Vodka finds the texture of the fish itself off-putting.

Instead of "Chopped"...

...It Seemed More "Hacked"

The chosen dish of oxtail gnocchi sounds delicious in theory, but it comes with precisely ten pieces of pasta and a smattering of meat, none of which has a great deal of flavor. 

A Preschooler Could Use This Serving to Practice Counting to T10

The plate is served looking like the "after" portion of a meal, i.e. what we should be bringing home for leftovers - not as the main event.

The Greens Aren't Doing Much to Spruce Things Up Here

Finally, the hanger steak is the most egregious of all - we had ordered it medium rare, and it arrived not only "rare" but practically "still breathing." When we pointed this out to our ever-so-charming (...) waiter, he took it away without comment. It was returned to us a few minutes later after being "heated up"... in the microwave?!

This Dish Was, in a Word, a Disaster

Whatever they did to the meat did not improve it, as it was now not only chewy, but unevenly cooked. In contrast, the best part of the meal was the side of broccolini, most likely because it came smothered in a generous helping of cheese.

Perhaps This Helping of Cheese Is Where the Entire Gnocchi Budget Went

Frenetic with a side of attitude, despite its Food Network- and Top Chef-adjacent fame, and its starred Fodor's review, Herb & Wood in the end turned out to be much like its moniker: two disparate items which sound interesting together in theory, but in reality turn out to be a little more than a confusing mess.

Herb & Wood's Oxtail Gnocchi: 2 stars

Off the Map: Fire Up the Sticky Buns

Sticky Buns -- El Chorro Lodge, Paradise Valley, AZ
El Chorro Lodge

Sorry Bobby Flay, but Beau MacMillan knows better sticky buns than you do.

And/Or Bobby Just Hasn't Been to Arizona Yet

As our last stop on our whirlwind Phoenix tour o' food, we wind up at El Chorro Lodge in Paradise Valley, known especially for their first-rate sticky buns which are served free with every meal (a la BLT Steak popovers).

Stick to Our Thighs, Please

The ambiance of El Chorro Lodge is like none we have encountered so far in Arizona, and we are instantly in love with the outdoor fireplaces and twinkling Christmas lights.

"We Need to Get Close to the Fire, Like in Little House on the Prairie."

Trust Us When We Say It Was More Appealing in Person

Well, Vodka is in love -- Ginger, she of poor cold tolerance, wants to sit inside.

Once again, Ginger's opinion on the seating matter abates when she is promised a table close to the fire and outdoor heating lamps, though it is all she can do to not drag the portable heater from the hostess area with her as well.  When we reach our table, Ginger cozies up to the fireplace while Vodka begins removing layers of clothing, menopause-style.

Better To Heat Your Sticky Buns With, My Dear

We get down to the business of placing our drink orders and are, in true Arizona form, carded ("We have been carded by every place in this state").  As Vodka fishes for her ID, she sends our waiter on an exploratory mission to find out what kind of flavored vodkas El Chorro Lodge offers for her new favorite cocktail, vodka soda.

It's Like Drinking Water. Delicious, Alcoholic Water

Settling on the raspberry vodka, and Ginger on wine (served in such a sturdy wine glass that we're convinced they knew her clumsy arms were coming), we toast a successful trip to the west.

Glasses Built for Street-Toughs

And this is all before the arrival of the sainted sticky buns.

Now THAT Is Some Goo Worth Getting Sticky Over

Prior to us trying Beau MacMillan's chosen Best Thing I Ever Ate BANG FOR THE BUCK dish, our friend has decided to go to battle with the waiter over our entree choices.  Wishing to order the buffalo burger but not wanting to eat yet another round of French fries, she would like a substitute side.  The waiter says this is not possible, until our friend bullies him into serving her scalloped potatoes instead.  We observe this proceeding with shock, both because we think the non-substitution rule is standard practice, and because if anyone is supposed to be causing issues at this table, it is us.

We're Not Used to Being Considered the Non-Problematic Side of the Table

When El Chorro Lodge extends an olive branch in the form of the basket of sticky buns, we can barely get a hold of ourselves in an effort to stuff dozens of them in our mouths.

Feel Free to Send Over Twelve More Baskets, Thanks in Advance

In comparison to Flour Bakery's massive, nutty, and dry variety, El Chorro's buns are small and sweet.  Neither chewy nor yeasty, the dough is tender, and the whole thing tastes more like a lip-smacking cinnamon bun.  The cores of the buns are especially flavorful, and unlike at Flour, the goo has seeped all the way through the entire cake.  These bite-size buns could turn into an addiction quickly, and it is probably for the best that we live across the country from their place of creation.

The Heart of the Matter

Surprisingly, though the concept of a dessert-like appetizer does not appeal to us in theory, these sticky buns are not so overtly sweet that they turn us off from the platter of grilled cheese that follows them.  Featuring three varieties of goopy and fried mini-sandwiches, the grilled cheese is nearly as enjoyable as the sticky buns. 

And Also Pre-Divided, Which Is Especially Useful for Our Lack of Knife Skills

For our "dinner", we split the buffalo burger (WITH French fries - we are of the persuasion that one can never have too many fries) and the chicken enchiladas.  When she sees the platters arriving, Ginger begins frantically clearing her place at the table with the announcement "Food's here!" (said as if we have not been eating non-stop for two days straight).  This comment sends Vodka into an inexplicable burst of giggles as she pictures us assembling at the pig trough for "feeding time."  Said giggles last so long that Vodka's eyes begin seeping with tears, and this is even before she sees what Ginger has done to our burger plate.

SHE CUT THE BURGER IN HALF

It seems that, in her excitement to eat yet again, Ginger has forgotten the picture-policy concerning our food and has taken her knife to the burger, cutting it in two before Vodka has had a chance to photograph it.

Grounds for Blog Excommunication

"Really?!" Vodka, finally snapped out of her private giggle fest, says in her most accusatory tone.  "After all this time, how could you?!"

The burger itself is juicy and pleasing, if served on a bit unwieldy of a bun (and while the French fries are good as well, our friend is especially taken with her substitute scalloped potatoes).

The Non-Problem Child Side of the Table

Ginger, who is seemingly obsessed with dividing all of our items in two, places a half of a pickle on Vodka's sticky bun plate but does not notice whether or not Vodka consumes it.

"Did you take your pickle?" Ginger asks in a panic many minutes later.

"I ate it," Vodka answers.

"Good.  I was afraid I did," Ginger confesses, flashes of McClure Pickle jars flashing through her head.

Perhaps We Should've Asked El Chorro to Pre-Divide ALL of Our Food

Similar to the burger, the chicken enchiladas are also quite good, even if they are slightly spicy for our weak palates.

Mexican Food in Arizona: Check

Smothered in cheese and topped with slivers of tortilla chips, they prove to be one of our favorite dishes of the night.

Well, Our Favorite Non-Free Dish

By the time we cap off our time in Arizona with a visit to the Phoenician rooftop bar, we are extremely full but apparently not satiated.  When Vodka spots sushi being consumed a table away, she comments that it looks appealing.

"I never want to eat again," our friend says, looking at the sushi with disgust.

"It's not that I want to eat it," Vodka explains.  "It's that if someone stuck it in my mouth, I would probably chew."

And this philosophy, ladies and gentlemen, is how the west was truly won.

El Chorro Lodge's Sticky Buns: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing I Ever Ate

Off the Map: I'm Gonna Hook You Up, Jersey-Style

French Onion Soup -- Zinc Bistro, Scottsdale, AZ
Zinc Bistro

Like moths to a flame, New Jersey natives always seem to find each other, even in the most non-Garden State of locations.  This magnetic attraction is how Vodka ends up being BFFs with our Zinc Bistro waiter.

When in Arizona, Do as New Jersey Would

"Ooh, it smells like a bar in here," Ginger notes as we enter our Scottsdale lunchtime location.  Looking remarkably similar to a combination of Balthazar, Pastis, and Parc, Zinc Bistro is clearly going for French ambiance, evidenced by the Eiffel Tower sculpture and the proliferation of alcohol.

Parlez-Vous "Cocktail?"

Before we can so much as glance at the menu (read: cocktail list), our waiter, who practically breathes "originally from New Jersey," whips our white napkins off of our table and replaces them with black ones.  We look at each other quizzically and then consult our friend as to the meaning of this obviously Phoenix-specific behavior.

"They give you dark napkins when you're wearing dark pants," she explains without affect.

"WHO does?!"

"Nice restaurants," she answers.

"No, never, uh uh," we protest.  "That has never happened to us before."  Instead of being impressed by this color spectrum service, we are so confused that it has manifested as outrage.

NapkinGate 2012

Again, before we can continue our debate over whether or not such napkin-to-pants matching is normal practice, our waiter is back in a flash to card us, even before our drink orders have been placed.  And this is when our waiter figures out that he has found some East Coast compatriots.

The Best Geographic Bonding Happens Over Liquor

We order a La Fleur and a Parisian Mule, while our Southwest colleagues stick with a teetotaling Arnold Palmer and French Press coffee (this is the price one pays for being our chauffeur).

This Is Also Why We Don't Drive

It soon becomes apparent that we each have our own variety of "drinking beverages" issue: Ginger is insistent that she receive a straw for her water, because she doesn't "like when the ice touches my face," and Vodka is sipping her cocktail at her typical snail's pace because she's a "slow drinker, or else I feel like I'm drowning."

Our waiter seems to share such neuroses (maybe it's an East Coast thing), as not only does he provide a straw for Ginger's water, but a full bushel of straws for every beverage on the table.

A Hootenanny of Straws

When Jersey (as the waiter will from now on be called) returns yet again, we order the Best Thing I Ever Ate French onion soup (or, in pretentious menu terms, "onion soup gratinee"), as recommended by Beau MacMillan on the CHEESY episode.

You Say 'Gratinee,' We Say 'Give Us Cheese'

We also choose to split a Zinc house salad, while our friends order the mussels.

"Get the French fries, too," Jersey insists.  "They're amazing."

"No!" Ginger, who seems to be into putting her foot down quite a bit today, answers him.  "We're gonna be too full.  We have a lot of eating to get to."  But when Vodka and friends, once again, perform a majority vote towards getting the French fries, Jersey sticks his tongue out at Ginger in a show of one-upmanship.

Jersey Has Won the Battle, But Not Yet the War

Perhaps as a peace offering, Jersey comes back immediately with a bread basket and whispers in Ginger's ear, "I hooked you up, Jersey-style.  Everyone else has to ask for bread.  You guys just get it."

Please take note of this bread service, bartender at Pizzeria Bianco.

A Slightly Dull Bread Basket is Better Than No Bread Basket At All

Ginger finds a heart-shaped slice and begins carb-loading, while Vodka is overcome by the BLT Steak-like provided salt shaker.

The Key to Vodka's Heart Is...

...Salt, Jersey-Style

Before we can consume enough yeast for our liking, our boiling hot bowls of French onion soup arrive, and Vodka, seemingly not afraid of drowning via soup consumption, dives in.

And she nearly burns her face off.

Note: Soup Served in a Witch's Caldron Is Indeed Hot

It is, therefore, especially telling as to the tastiness of the soup that Vodka still finds the first spoonful, and every subsequent one, delightful.  Supremely salty broth, bite-sized onions, and oodles of gruyere cheese combine to form some of the best onion soup we've ever tasted.

Non-Minced Onions For the Win

Unlike many lower-scale versions where the cheese performs full lift-off upon the first spoonful, this cheese lasts through each and every bite of the soup.

The Cheese of Our Lives

Vodka manages to splatter half of our order across the paper table cloth (thank goodness for her black napkin), which Jersey makes a big show of mopping up for her.

What Would We Have Ever Done Had Our Napkins Been White?!

Yet despite all of these obstacles, Vodka believes this soup, like the waffle dogs, is 5 stars.

Ginger thinks it is not.

Never before in the history of this tour have we shared less compatible opinions.

Is This Not Evidence of a 5 Star Dish?!

Putting the empty soup caldrons aside, we move on to our salad (which Zinc Bistro has been kind enough to divide onto separate plates for us).  The greens themselves are heavily dressed - nearly soaked.  And while the taste of the dressing is pleasing enough, we'd prefer a bit more crispness.

Lay Low on the Dressing Next Time, Jersey

The accompanying crostinis are smothered heavily in soft goat cheese and chives, which is strong in flavor if a bit overbearing.

This Meal Is Becoming a Bit Over-Cheesed, Even By Our Standards

Our friends' mussels are some of the largest we have ever seen and are accompanied by a dose of "string things" (the highfalutin culinary term for "fried potato strings"), all of which is quite lovely.

In Arizona, Mussels Come Supersized

Our Aptly-Named "String Things"

And the much fought-over French fries prove to be the perfect dish to round out or Paris-by-way-of-Phoenix experience.

Oui Oui, Jersey

Jersey comes bounding over to our table with dessert menus in hand.  "Can I interest you in some -- "

"Just the check," Ginger interrupts him.  And for just an instant, one could almost assume that she, and not Vodka, is the one at this table with no-nonsense New Jersey blood running through her.

Zinc Bistro's French Onion Soup: 4 stars