Off the Map: Mostly Closed in Texas

BBQ Beef Brisket -- North Main BBQ, Euless, TX

North Main BBQ

If there is one fatal flaw in our blog -- or, we suppose, in any food-related review endeavor -- it's that personal taste accounts for quite a lot. In our case, this bodes well for dishes involving, say, liquor, pasta, and cheese, and less well for those with beer, sweet potatoes, and apparently, smoked meat.

Please Pass the Spaghetti

See, the thing is, it's not that Vodka dislikes barbeque, but it is not something that she ever, EVER seeks out. 

Except, Of Course, for OCD Blog Purposes

This is possibly not the best state of mind in which to be while slithering around Texas in search of brisket, specifically that which Ted Allen highlighted on the BAR-B-QUE episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate.

So... Is This All That's Left?

When Vodka, Whiskey Sour, and Diet Coke arrive at North Main BBQ in Euless, TX, we are humored by the enormous signs posted outside delineating when they are open (or more aptly, when they are NOT open, which is every day that is not a weekend). 

A Work Ethic to Emulate

Upon entering, we can't locate the BBQ or the restaurant itself, as the entire view is blocked by gargantuan piles of disposable plates.

The Wizard of Oz Version of BBQ

Once we make our way around the structure and request an order of beef brisket, we are immediately given an inquisitive look. "Why just the brisket?"

Um, Does Beef Brisket in Dallas Really Need a Reason?

Whiskey Sour and Diet Coke give Vodka a metaphorical nudge, and she explains that we are here at the instruction of Ted Allen. 

Who Failed to Mention That North Main Also Possesses a SOFT ICE CREAM Machine

With this news, the North Main employees seem to take a liking to the northeasterners seemingly overwhelmed by the platters of beef before them, and they begin doling out their delicacies willy nilly.

We'll Take One Order to Share... Or Three Plates Worth. Either One

We assemble ourselves at one of the communal tables with our styrofoam cup beverages, and Diet Coke, who chooses Diet Coke (naturally) is in the midst of a declaration about how "Diet Coke drinkers tend to be very functional -- they're in high places." 

Yes, Well, So Are Whiskey Drinkers

Before we can take a bite, one of the North Main beef men scampers over holding "meat candy," which he deposits on our plates, along with some choice burnt ends, as "Ted Allen's favorite part of the brisket." 

A Sensible Mid-Morning Snack

While we are impressed, and quite heartened by the cordiality, this also means that we now have overflowing plates of BBQ before us, and we are feeling a tad overwhelmed.

Looks Like We're Gonna Need More Paper Towels

Thankfully, a few bites into the brisket, it proves to be just as delectable as Ted Allen had described. 

Meat Candy Featured in Front

Tender to the point of true melt-in-your-mouth goodness, it is flavorful even before the addition of sauce. 

Though Naturally, Vodka Still Drowns It in Sauce, Because It Is a Condiment

In fact, the brisket here, along with the pork ribs, are even more pleasing than the versions we tried the night before at Pecan Lodge, which is considered by many to be some of the best barbeque in Dallas, and Whiskey Sour and Diet Coke would venture to say that the brisket alone is truly the best they have ever had anywhere.

BBQ Tray From Pecan Lodge, for Comparison

And Vodka? She doesn't disagree. The brisket is very, very good. But despite the satisfied moans coming from across the table, she just can't bring herself to rank it a 5 star dish. 

Despite Its Dearth of Hours, the Place Isn't Exactly Bumping with Business....

And herein lies the flaw in the system of food, and taste, and all sorts of subjectivity -- it's always a matter of personal preference. And barbeque, no matter how outstanding, would never be something Vodka would choose over, for instance, a heaping bowl of pasta.

After All, Pasta Rarely Gets Cooked in the Garage

Anyone Have a Doggie Bag?

Once we have properly stuffed ourselves, Whiskey Sour wraps the rest of our provisions in an origami of paper napkins, and we head off in search of the Fort Worth rodeo -- or in other words, to brisket's prelude.

Land of Annie Oakley

Brisket on Parade

North Main BBQ's Beef Brisket: 4 stars

Off the Map: It's Not Awe-Inspiring, but Memphis Is Fine

BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich -- Charlie Vergos Rendezvous, Memphis, TN

Charlie Vergos Rendezvous

Here are some things Vodka and her college roommates like to do while on vacation:

1. Look at maps.

2. Drive across state lines for fast food milkshakes, merely to add to one's state count.

3. Photograph street signs that coincide with the names of one's guinea pigs.

4. Dine at Chipotle, with the goal of hitting one in every state.

5. Sample the Best Thing I Ever Ate dishes from every single one of the town's Best Thing I Ever Ate-featured establishments.

Needless to Say, Our College Dorm Room Was "Unique"

Number five is how Vodka, Diet Coke, and Whiskey Sour wind up consuming three separate pulled pork sandwiches within the span of three hours.

We Make Such Sacrifices to in Order to Pursue Our Cause

The first pulled pork of the day arrived at 11:00am in the form of a Downtown Memphis tour we took... all by ourselves. In defense of our pork-laden itinerary, no mention of said lunch appeared in the tour description, so the sandwich we ate at Central BBQ was the "bonus" meal of the day (and, to its credit, was quite tasty).

We Liked You, but We Didn't Want You

But unfortunately, this also means that an hour later, we are seated at Charlie Vergos Rendezvous, ready to consume their version of the same delicacy, as recommended by Tyler Florence on the BAR-B-QUE episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. 

Ah Yes, We Like to Do All Our Finest Dining in an Alley

As if the Central BBQ surprise meal weren't enough, we had previously eaten a full breakfast, which means that we are already on our third meal of the day. 

So the Next Logical Question is What ELSE Should We Get?

And in what would later prove to be a fatal mistake, along with the sandwich, we ask for a rack of Rendezvous's famous ribs.

Scenes from Overeaters Anonymous

"You could get nine ribs for three dollars more," our disenchanted waiter informs us. When we decline his offer to supersize our meal, he retreats with a shrug, while Whiskey Sour quips, "I don't think he loves his job."

Apparently Charlie Vergos Was a Hoarder

Meanwhile, Diet Coke is staring at the poster hanging above Vodka's head, remarking to no one in particular, "What a wonderful map," as Whiskey Sour whips some of her napkin-enclosed leftover chips from Central BBQ out of her bag and begins chomping.

The Reasons Why Said Map Was Hanging in Here Remain Unclear

Our waiter breezes back over to deposit some paper plates and plastic silverware on our table (environmentally friendly, Memphis is not), along with three free bowls of a rice and sausage concoction, which is better tasting than it should be.

No Need to Employ Those Pesky Dishwashers with a No-Fail System Like This

It May Look Like a Bowl of Slop, But It Is a Delicious Bowl of Slop

In contrast, Rendezvous's version of Memphis's favorite meal is not unpleasant, but not exactly remarkable either. 

Memphis: The Town Pigs Fear the Most

On its own, it has very little flavor, and it is only after dumping some additional barbeque sauce and a dollop of the accompanying cole slaw on top that it manages to become even slightly interesting. 

So Essentially, It's a Do-It-Yourself Affair

As opposed to the one we received at Central BBQ, Rendezvous's sandwich is much messier, not only because of the smaller pieces of pork itself, but because the chosen roll does not wrap around the offerings inside with the same satisfaction.

And Despite the Evidence Within Our Dorm Room Walls, We Don't Enjoy Mess

Similarly, their famous ribs, while certainly not offensive, aren't exactly our thing either. Smothered in a dry rub ("My problem with a dry rub is that it's dry" = why we don't write food reviews professionally), the meat tastes remarkably more like a pork chop than a pork rib.

Could Someone Please Put the Sauce on Beforehand? We Didn't Come Here to Do Manual Labor

As we saunter out of the premises, onward to a bevy of future meals, Diet Coke remarks, "It's not awe-inspiring, but it's fine."

 You're Welcome for That Gushing Sentiment....

And somehow, we don't believe either Charlie Vergos Rendezvous, or Memphis itself, will be utilizing that as their next tourist slogan.

Charlie Vergos Rendezvous's BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich: 3 stars

Off the Map: We'd Rather You Be Fast Than Nice to Us

Pork Ribs -- Ronnie's BBQ, Richmond, VA

Ronnie's BBQ

If there is one surefire way to get a low rating on this blog, it is to irritate Vodka.  And if there's one surefire way to irritate Vodka, it is through slow service.  So let's just say that it is quite evident that the workers at Ronnie's Ribs in Richmond, VA, have never taken a gander at this blog.

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

Vodka is in Richmond to meet her college roommates, Diet Coke and Whiskey Sour, for a weekend of nerding it up in Williamsburg.  Unfortunately (especially for the Ronnie's BBQ staff, who is now going to be forced to deal with Vodka sans the benefit of a buffer), flight delays have left said roommates circling the premises, while Vodka makes her way to Ronnie's alone via the world's chattiest Uber driver.  

Dear Uber Drivers of the World, We Prefer Silence. Signed, Vodka and Ginger

Upon entering the premises -- which is little more than a glorified shack along the side of the road -- Vodka finds a line approximately eight people deep.  In New York, this line would take -- at most -- ten minutes to get through.

In Virginia, Vodka will be lucky if she makes it out before the end of the weekend.

Save Yourselves! Go Forth to Williamsburg Alone!

Upon eventually making it to the cashier, Vodka asks for two orders of the rib combo, which features Delilah Winder's Best Thing I Ever Ate BBQ pork ribs from the BAR-B-QUE episode.  Each combo comes with a choice of two side dishes, so Vodka picks French fries and baked beans for one, and cole slaw and potato salad for the other.  

These Varied Choices Will Come Back to Bite Her

At this point, Vodka moves off to the side to await her meal, which is when two things become blatantly obvious:

1. The Ronnie's BBQ workers are some of the nicest, friendliest, and most pleasant anywhere, and

2. Vodka could never live in the South.

And Not Just Due to the Neon Tinge of Their Potato Salad

You see, Ronnie's BBQ seems to have spent all of their training dollars to fund geniality instead of efficiency, which is pretty much the opposite of Vodka's priorities in life.  As her waiting Uber tab grows by the seconds, and the seconds turn into minutes and then TWENTY MINUTES, Vodka does everything other than leap over the counter to begin to put together the meal herself.

Clearly This Award Criteria Did Not Account for Speed of Execution

Finally -- FINALLY -- Vodka's number is called, and the worker tasked with presenting the food to the customers opens both styrofoam containers to reveal Vodka's choices.  And it soon becomes obvious why this ritual -- which would generally seem like a waste of precious time -- goes down, as the order is incorrect.

At This Point, Vodka Should Have Just Quit While She Was Not Ahead and RAN

Instead of different side dishes, both orders of ribs feature French fries and baked beans.  When Vodka points out the error, said worker heads to the back to fetch separate containers of cole slaw and potato salad, all while apologizing.  No problem, right?  This will only take another thirty seconds -- or MAYBE one minute -- right?

TEN MINUTES LATER, there are still no side dishes. 

Presumably the Kitchen Staff Is Too Busy Making Bulletin Boards to Actually COOK

At this point, Vodka has just about lost her mind, both because she doesn't want to pay hundreds of dollars to Uber for a few cold ribs, and because the Ronnie's premises are growing increasingly hot and stuffy.  When the potato salad and cole slaw eventually appear, the same worker opens them to reveal TWO POTATO SALADS.

Now, this has just taken a turn for the ridiculous.

Somebody Please Put Vodka and This 1983 Boombox Out of Their Misery

When the correct order is finally assembled, three containers of Ronnie's special BBQ sauce are tossed in the plastic bag of styrofoam... and immediately, like something out of a cartoon, they spill.  Down the bag and onto the cartons, like the whole thing is bleeding BBQ.  

At This Point, Ronnie's Is in Negative Star Rating Territory

And Vodka, who is too fed up at this point to care, hightails it back to the airport to share the assembled mess with Diet Coke and Whiskey Sour.

Sayonara, Ronnie. Can't Say This Was Fun

While waiting, Vodka very carefully disassembles the package, both because of the streaks of sauce and because she had been warned about how to open the styrofoam containers ("Watch out because these don't really close.  We weren't supposed to order these anymore, but we somehow got them anyway.")  Once she manages to make some semblance of a display, she begins photographing the food, officially becoming the biggest weirdo left in Richmond Airport.  

Would You Care For Some Cole Slaw With Your Suitcase?

Upon tasting, Vodka finds the ribs dry and smoky without the sauce, and slightly improved once the meat has been dipped within it.  While the pork comes off of the bone easily, it is also so fatty that it's difficult to chew, along with a solid degree of burnt musk over the top.  

Oh Good. One Hour Roundtrip to Obtain Charred Ribs

On a good day, these ribs might receive 3 stars for being fine, but not outstanding.  However, Vodka has been aggravated into a bitter funk, and she is outrightly refusing to dole out anything more than 2.

Moral of the Story: UNIMPRESSED

As far as the side dishes, the provided dinner rolls are unremarkable -- they taste slightly stale, with a honey tinge over the top.  

One Could Also Argue That These Rolls Aren't Necessary If Their Absence Would Make the CONTAINERS CLOSE

The potato salad is sweet from a solid helping of relish (not preferred), and the cole slaw is verging on tasteless (actually, it would be better if it were tasteless.  This cole slaw has a taste... it's just a bad one).  

Going from Bad...

...to Even Worse

The baked beans are definitely the most successful of the lot, as the soggy and limp French fries would taste great... if they were leftover from yesterday. 

And Lucky For Us, We Have a Double Helping of Them!

When Diet Coke and Whiskey Sour taste this conglomeration of food, they both rank the ribs as a 3-star dish, namely because they didn't have to live through the past hour of Vodka's life which she will never get back.  To add insult to Vodka's irate injury, she calculates that between the $26 Ronnie's price tag and the $24 Uber ride (including the 30 minutes lingering in the Ronnie's parking lot), these third-rate ribs have literally cost $50.

Think of How Much Delicious Airport McDonald's Could Have Been Obtained Instead!

And with prices like that, Vodka might as well have just stayed in New York with the rest of the world's population who values cranky efficiency over incompetent kindness.

Ronnie's BBQ's Pork Ribs: 2 stars