Off the Map: Mostly Closed in Texas

BBQ Beef Brisket -- North Main BBQ, Euless, TX

North Main BBQ

If there is one fatal flaw in our blog -- or, we suppose, in any food-related review endeavor -- it's that personal taste accounts for quite a lot. In our case, this bodes well for dishes involving, say, liquor, pasta, and cheese, and less well for those with beer, sweet potatoes, and apparently, smoked meat.

Please Pass the Spaghetti

See, the thing is, it's not that Vodka dislikes barbeque, but it is not something that she ever, EVER seeks out. 

Except, Of Course, for OCD Blog Purposes

This is possibly not the best state of mind in which to be while slithering around Texas in search of brisket, specifically that which Ted Allen highlighted on the BAR-B-QUE episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate.

So... Is This All That's Left?

When Vodka, Whiskey Sour, and Diet Coke arrive at North Main BBQ in Euless, TX, we are humored by the enormous signs posted outside delineating when they are open (or more aptly, when they are NOT open, which is every day that is not a weekend). 

A Work Ethic to Emulate

Upon entering, we can't locate the BBQ or the restaurant itself, as the entire view is blocked by gargantuan piles of disposable plates.

The Wizard of Oz Version of BBQ

Once we make our way around the structure and request an order of beef brisket, we are immediately given an inquisitive look. "Why just the brisket?"

Um, Does Beef Brisket in Dallas Really Need a Reason?

Whiskey Sour and Diet Coke give Vodka a metaphorical nudge, and she explains that we are here at the instruction of Ted Allen. 

Who Failed to Mention That North Main Also Possesses a SOFT ICE CREAM Machine

With this news, the North Main employees seem to take a liking to the northeasterners seemingly overwhelmed by the platters of beef before them, and they begin doling out their delicacies willy nilly.

We'll Take One Order to Share... Or Three Plates Worth. Either One

We assemble ourselves at one of the communal tables with our styrofoam cup beverages, and Diet Coke, who chooses Diet Coke (naturally) is in the midst of a declaration about how "Diet Coke drinkers tend to be very functional -- they're in high places." 

Yes, Well, So Are Whiskey Drinkers

Before we can take a bite, one of the North Main beef men scampers over holding "meat candy," which he deposits on our plates, along with some choice burnt ends, as "Ted Allen's favorite part of the brisket." 

A Sensible Mid-Morning Snack

While we are impressed, and quite heartened by the cordiality, this also means that we now have overflowing plates of BBQ before us, and we are feeling a tad overwhelmed.

Looks Like We're Gonna Need More Paper Towels

Thankfully, a few bites into the brisket, it proves to be just as delectable as Ted Allen had described. 

Meat Candy Featured in Front

Tender to the point of true melt-in-your-mouth goodness, it is flavorful even before the addition of sauce. 

Though Naturally, Vodka Still Drowns It in Sauce, Because It Is a Condiment

In fact, the brisket here, along with the pork ribs, are even more pleasing than the versions we tried the night before at Pecan Lodge, which is considered by many to be some of the best barbeque in Dallas, and Whiskey Sour and Diet Coke would venture to say that the brisket alone is truly the best they have ever had anywhere.

BBQ Tray From Pecan Lodge, for Comparison

And Vodka? She doesn't disagree. The brisket is very, very good. But despite the satisfied moans coming from across the table, she just can't bring herself to rank it a 5 star dish. 

Despite Its Dearth of Hours, the Place Isn't Exactly Bumping with Business....

And herein lies the flaw in the system of food, and taste, and all sorts of subjectivity -- it's always a matter of personal preference. And barbeque, no matter how outstanding, would never be something Vodka would choose over, for instance, a heaping bowl of pasta.

After All, Pasta Rarely Gets Cooked in the Garage

Anyone Have a Doggie Bag?

Once we have properly stuffed ourselves, Whiskey Sour wraps the rest of our provisions in an origami of paper napkins, and we head off in search of the Fort Worth rodeo -- or in other words, to brisket's prelude.

Land of Annie Oakley

Brisket on Parade

North Main BBQ's Beef Brisket: 4 stars

Off the Map: Taking Shots in Dallas

Lobster Scallion Shooters -- Abacus, Dallas, TX

Abacus

Call us crazy, Melissa D'Arabian, but if you're going to be featured on Best Thing I Ever Ate's BEST I EVER DRANK episode, you should choose an actual BEVERAGE, preferably one containing ALCOHOL.

For Reference, This Is What Alcohol Looks Like

Despite Vodka's skepticism regarding any "happy hour" preference not featuring booze, she and her college roommates, Whiskey Sour and Diet Coke, forge ahead down the empty sidewalks of Dallas until they reach Abacus, home of Melissa's favorite lobster scallion shooters.

Brave of Dallas to Incorporate Any Shooting References on Their Menus....

Taking advantage of the generous two-hour window in which one can procure half-priced drinks, we order an old-fashioned (Vodka), prosecco (Whiskey Sour), and Cabernet (Diet Coke), along with a plate of sushi from the similarly cheap bar bites menu.  

Poor Lighting and No Desire to Fix It

Due to the manic efficiency of the bartender (which is quite appreciated by the ever-impatient Vodka, especially when it comes to cocktail consumption), all of our requests are placed before us in mere minutes. 

Zooming In to Actually See What We're About to Consume

Vodka is the first to pour the sauce from the sake bottle into one of the shot glasses, which each feature a small battered lobster fritter atop a bed of scallions. 

Cheers!

The sauce itself is simultaneously sweet and tangy, and it has the distinct aura of sweet and sour soup. 

We Believe It Was Orange-Tinged, Though You'd Never Know by Out Photographic Evidence

When combined with the crunchy lobster, it does indeed prove to be a pleasing combination, enhanced by the novelty of swigging the whole concoction back like a bump of tequila.

Who's Down for Another Round?

Additionally, while the bar bites sushi was also quite scrumptious, once again, Vodka took absolutely no notes on it, so you'll just have to take our word for it. 

Instead, She Took Pictures of Diet Coke Listing the States

Here's the Sushi. Don't Ask Us What's In It

And so, Abacus receives 4 stars for successfully overcoming Vodka's predilections for automatically despising any BEST I EVER DRANK options which aren't found on the spirits menu. 

We Always Feel More Generous at Happy Hours

Though we're still calling foul on singling out a "beverage" one has to, you know, CHEW. Just saying, Melissa D'Arabian. Just saying.

Abacus's Lobster Scallion Shooters: 4 stars

Off the Map: Texan Tea Party

Afternoon Tea -- The Adolphus, Dallas, TX

The Adolphus

In truth, the only reason Vodka and her college roommates, Diet Coke and Whiskey Sour, are staying at the Adolphus Hotel in Dallas is for their afternoon tea, which was recommended by Kerry Vincent on the FINGER FOOD episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate.

How Fortuitous That Vodka Has a Table All to Herself for Picture-Taking Purposes

Rather than elegant dining gear, the three of us traipse into the tea room carting various degrees of footwear, thermal layers, and merchandise from the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

Nerd Vacationing at Its Finest

In other words, we are really classing up the joint.

Vodka Was Devastated That This Gem Was Not for Sale

Thankfully, if the staff is judging us, their poker faces are on point as they explain how the proceedings will work: each of the three courses (sandwiches, scones, and treat tray) will come with a tea "pairing." 

The Bar -- So Close, and Yet So Far

We Are Only Now Realizing That They Sat Us in the Dim Back Corner. Hmmm...

The menu is left with us for the entirety of the meal, which is useful, as the only thing Vodka managed to jot down in her notes is "Diet Coke is counting the number of Canadian provinces she's been to," which is not entirely helpful information for a FOOD BLOG.

Study This Carefully, As Its the Only Insight You're Going to Get About What We're Eating

While all of the teas are quite tasty (though a little "twisted tea" never hurt anyone, now did it, Adolphus?), we'd have trouble differentiating them from each other in a line up. 

They Pretty Much All Looked Like This, So Take Our Word for It

The sandwiches, as Kerry Vincent had described, pack a deceiving punch despite their miniature size, and in the end, we all prefer a different variety. 

Sandwiches from Polly Pocket's Deli

Similarly, the scones -- one savory and one sweet -- are some of the best we have ever tasted, especially, for Vodka, when laden down with a triple serving of clotted cream. 

Great Britain Conquers Texas

Save the Preserves and Pass the Cream

Would You Like a Little Scone with Your Condiments?

Finally, the two-tiered treat tray (sidenote: the Adolphus does not respond to this display as a "treat tray") is truly something to behold, as are the complimentary macaroons which we receive as a parting gift.

Treats, Treats, Everywhere

Taking One Bite from Each Like a Tea-Time Rodent

We Do Love a Gift Bag

For $55 a person, we could not recommend the Adolphus afternoon tea more highly. Unless, of course, they started spiking their teas with some good old Texas moonshine.

The Adolphus's Afternoon Tea: 5 stars**

**Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate

Off the Map: Don't Mess with Texas (Unless It Messes with You First)

Pecan Ball -- Cafe Pacific, Dallas, TX
Cafe Pacific

The most important thing you need to know about the pecan ball at Cafe Pacific is that it is receiving 4 stars despite the fact that it ended in us throwing up.

Bet You Didn't See That One Coming

But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

And Yes, We Promise That Our Liquor Comrades Were Not the Cause of Our Sudden Sickness

Vodka has made her inaugural journey to the great state of Texas to visit Dallas with her college roommates, Diet Coke and Whiskey Sour. 

Taking In Some of Dallas's Uplifting Assassination Sites

While Diet Coke's plane remains suspended in air somewhere over the Midwest, Vodka and Whiskey Sour venture to the Highland Park neighborhood to eat a pecan ball, as chosen by Kerry Vincent on the ICE CREAMY episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate.

What's Black and White and Sweet All Over?

But not before Vodka has an epic fight with the manager at Mi Cocina, the Mexican joint across the parking lot. You can take the girl out of Manhattan, but you can't take the customer service hostility out of the girl.

In Retrospect, Perhaps We Shouldn't Have Eaten the Whole Thing

Mi Cocina is relevant to this post mostly because we found the entire experience so stressful that by the time we arrive at Cafe Pacific, our frazzled, travel-weary nerves are hovering on the edge. 

Window View of the Scene of the Crime

Because of this, the quiet, inviting atmosphere of the establishment's old-fashioned decor is found to be especially favorable, as is the exceptionally congenial bartender. 

Fill 'Er Up, We'll Take a Glass of Everything

With the kitchen about to close, he asks if we would like any food, for which we request one pecan ball and two glasses of wine. 

Generous Pours to Suit Our Moods

Within moments, we are exceedingly more relaxed and ready to dive into the solid helping of dessert placed before us. 

Hello, Gorgeous

The pecan ball itself consists of vanilla ice cream rolled in pecans and topped by chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and brittle. And it is good. Very, very good. 

We're Not Usually Nuts-In-Desserts Type of Girls, But We'll Make an Exception Here

Each component works together perfectly in enhancing the others, and Whiskey Sour, who gave up sweets for Lent (apparently in her interpretation, Lent does not extend into the Texas border), finds it especially remarkable (perhaps because she hasn't had a touch of sugar in weeks).

Forbidden Fruit

By the time we have finished, the pecan ball is little more than a slushy soup coating the bottom of the plate, for which the bartender asks if we would like straws to sop it up. 

We Have Found Our People

As the evening proceeds, we suddenly realize that we are single-handedly closing the joint, but rather than being annoyed by our presence, the staff keeps multiplying behind the bar to engage with the very full and mildly drunk northeasterners.

Drunk on Chocolate Fudge, but Drunk Nonetheless

In other words, we leave Cafe Pacific extremely taken with the place. And then we return to our hotel room and promptly vomit.

Thanks for the Warm Welcome, Dallas

Now, we are blaming this turn of events on Mi Cocina and the two plates (each) of Mexican delicacies we consumed before the beloved pecan ball -- after all, who ever heard of ice cream resulting in food poisoning? Plus, while at Cafe Pacific, when Vodka asked our BFF, the bartender, if he ever frequented Mi Cocina, his response was, "Not very often," which pretty much tells us all we need to know.

We'll Never Look at Tex-Mex Quite the Same Way

And so, while in the opening joust between Dallas and Vodka, the city may think it has gained the upper-hand, we refuse to be taken out so easily. So bring it on, Texas, because a thrown-up pecan ball in the evening never scared us away. And now you know who not to mess with.

Cafe Pacific's Pecan Ball: 4 stars