Off the Map: Unfortunately, the Noodles Are the Only Ones Drunk

Drunken Noodles with Chicken -- Wazuzu, Las Vegas, NV
Wazuzu

If there is one thing we have learned from doing this blog, it is to be suspicious of Giada Di Laurentiis's tastes.

Is This 'Best Thing I Ever Ate' or 'Best Thing My Dog Ever Ate'?

While we wouldn't say she has the worst track record for picking Best Thing I Ever Ate dishes, hers are most certainly not the most successful.  Therefore, Vodka and her friends, Chianti and Bloody Mary, approach Wazuzu in Las Vegas, home of Giada's favorite drunken noodles with chicken from the WITH CHOPSTICKS episode, with trepidation.

Giada's Been Here, You Say? In That Case, We'll Be Leaving

One thing that impresses Chianti about Wazuzu's menu is the full page of vegetarian options in the back (being that she's a long-term treehugger and all).  One thing that does not impress any of us is the looks of our three cocktails once they appear on our table.

Again With the Plastic Straw, Vegas?!

We have ordered the Pair of Cards, Thai Silk and Coconut Mojito, all of which look like they should be served poolside at a resort -- not exactly bad, but not exactly what we're in the mood for either.  To add insult to injury, upon placing her coconut mojito in front of her, the waitress tells Chianti, "Sorry, we're out of coconut foam."

"Coconut foam?"

"It's supposed to be on your drink, but the dispenser isn't working."  At this news the three of us exchange glances, and the second the waitress is out of earshot, Chianti reveals, "She should have never told me that.  I wouldn't have known what I was missing, but now I feel like I'm being deprived."

Waitressing 101: Don't Give Vodka & Co. an Added Reason to Complain

The arrival of our food proves equally disappointing, particularly the Best Thing I Ever Ate dish itself.

By the Looks of Things, This Should Cost $2.99 and Be Served in a Paper Takeout Container

Vodka, who has rarely met a noodle dish she didn't like, is far from taken with this platter in front of her, which does not taste any better than the Asian dishes served to us the previous day at the all-you-can-eat buffet.  Nothing about this dish is overtly bad -- it is just boring as all get-out, and certainly not worth a mention on a nationally broadcast food program.

Thwarted Yet Again by Giada's Questionable Tastes

If there is one standout among our food, it is Bloody Mary's tuna sushi rolls, which taste almost as pretty as they look.

Now This -- THIS We Could Have Gotten Behind

Her wonton soup, along with Chianti's vegetarian ramen, are pleasing, if far from remarkable, and overall, we feel that the meal could have been a lot more successful if our cocktails actually tasted like, you know, alcohol.

Goldilocks-Sized Bowls: From the Small...

...to the Gigantic (and Chock Full of Leaves)

As it stands, we walk out of Wazuzu resolutely sober, with not even a smattering of coconut foam to hold dearly in our memories.

Wazuzu's Drunken Noodles with Chicken: 3 stars

Umami Burger, Where the Burgers Come Before the Cocktails

Umami Burger -- Umami Burger
Umami Burger

As if New York needed yet another cult-favorite burger joint, Umami Burger has flown in from LA to take over a lengthy strip of sidewalk on 6th Avenue.  We say "sidewalk" specifically, because the "line" (more like "mob") of people waiting to dine in the precious new premises is always lengthy enough to completely disrupt pedestrian traffic flow.

Let's just say we're glad we don't live in the Village.

If We Wanted to Stand in Line All Day, We'd Move to San Francisco

We are willing to brave the Umami Burger crowd because Giada Di Laurentiis specified that we must try their signature burger on the HOMETOWN FAVORITES episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, and we have no intention of setting sail for LA any time soon.  

Primarily Because We Just Barely Know How to Drive

We arrive at the premises at the exact same time, and Ginger, assuming that we are going to walk inside to find a Shake Shack-like ordering line, barges through the front door.

"Hi, welcome to Umami Burger," the hostess greets us, grasping a clipboard in her hands.

"Yeah, hi," Ginger continues through the second door, stopping dead in her tracks when she finds only tables and servers rather than her expected line.  It is only at this point that it dawns on her that the hostess was not merely serving as a Walmart-type greeter -- she was trying to take our name for the wait list.

Clearly, should we ever actually make it to LA, we will not do well there.

Patience and Friendliness Are Not Really Areas in Which We Excel

Our plan for this place is that if they tell us the wait is longer than 30 minutes, we are hightailing it down the street to Empellon Taqueria to drown ourselves in margaritas and tacos.  In Murphy's Law news, when we ask the hostess how long it will be, she replies, "30 minutes."

Just under the wire, Umami.  Just under the wire.

Could Someone Bring Us a Drink While We Wait?

We languish outside for just over a half hour before being escorted into the loudest, ear-ring-inducing restaurant ever.  It is impossible to describe just how loud this place is, other than to point out that as our waitress blathered on for a solid minute about the menu, we had NO IDEA what she was saying.  NONE.  It was full-on a scene out of Charlie Brown's classroom, to the point that we almost began inappropriately laughing at the absurdity of it all.

We Assume She Just Asked Us If We're Vegans

Granted, there was one particularly disruptive table at the front of the restaurant, whose members had clearly never learned to use their indoor voices in elementary school, but they were not the only flaw in Umami Burger's acoustical design.  The place is an assault on one's hearing.

BYOE: Bring Your Own Earplugs

Thankfully for everyone involved, Umami does indeed serve liquor, an attribute we had feared they would be without.  Ginger does some domineering ordering, shouting at our waitress that we would have one sangria (when she asks if the stuff is overly sweet, said waitress responds, "No, you can still taste the wine."  As opposed to WHAT?!), and one Upstarter (something with tequila and cucumber). 

Ginger Also Shouted, "And STAT," but This Message Was Lost in the Cacophony of Sound

At the same time, while her voice is still strong enough to be heard above the din, she orders us one Umami Burger, one Truffle Burger, truffle fries, and fried pickles (clearly, we are not one for the low-cal lunch).

How to Lower Your Cholesterol, Vodka- and Ginger-Style

Fifteen minutes later, all of our food gets placed on our table in one fell-swoop, along with an assortment of Umami's four main condiments.  This is all great.  What is not great is that our cocktails are NO WHERE TO BE FOUND.  

Is There Gin in the Ketchup?! Otherwise, We're At a Loss

Now, call us crazy, but we like to have some booze inside of us before we dive into our actual meals -- really, this is better for all involved, as liquoring us up makes us decidedly less hostile.  

Unless, Umami Burger, You'd Like Us to Start COMPLAINING

When we inquire as to the location of our drinks, a server says that the bartenders (yes -- plural -- there are TWO people not making our cocktails) are probably working on them.  Without exaggeration, our drinks do not hit our table for a full ten minutes after our food does (and they are both LACKLUSTER at best), and we are more than a little annoyed.

You Can Mess With Many Things, but Never Our Booze

Indeed, before we even get down to enjoying (or not) the food, we notice that Umami Burger's NYC location reeks of not having the kinks worked out.  Our water glasses remain empty for 7/8 of our meal (and are only refilled once we manage to scream loudly enough to ask).  The kitchen is obviously working at a rate about fourteen-times faster than the bar.  There is a never-ending stream of workers wandering the restaurant, but nothing much seems to get accomplished.  And most egregiously, based on the perpetual line outside, the table turnover rate in this place is downright atrocious.  For a good portion of the time when we are inside, the dining room is quite literally HALF empty.  Tables sit, clean and waiting for new patrons to fill them, and somehow, everyone remains outside.  How?!  Is this all to build your own hype, Umami Burger?  Or are you merely incompetent?

The Dining Room Remained This Way for 10+ Minutes. THIS ISN'T LA, PEOPLE

Moving onto the area where the restaurant is slightly more proficient, the burgers, admittedly, are pretty good.  

Except the Branding Often Looks More Like an Equals Sign...

...Than a U

As promised, the Umami Burger, which comes with shiitake mushrooms, caramelized onions, roasted tomato, a paramesan crisp, and umami ketchup, manages to hit a great combination of salty and sweet notes (plus whatever this "umami" flavor is).  

Burger Brains

The bun is undoubtedly one of the best parts of these creations, as it is both soft and moldable yet hearty enough to never come apart under the weight and juice of the components.  

We Do Love a Carb

Speaking of juice, we are at a standoff over how "juicy" this burger really is -- Ginger, it seems, likes when her burgers physically squirt juice out of the meat so that it runs down her fingers, which Umami's burgers do not do.  Vodka, in contrast, hates this sensation, but she does not judge juiciness based on messiness, so she still thinks this meat is quite moist.  

Ginger Presumably Wants This Plate Splattered in Grease

We also come to an impasse concerning how the burger is cooked, as Ginger is calling it "raw" and Vodka is calling it "just right" (Umami recommends their burgers be cooked to a medium-rare temperature, or "blood red," if you're Ginger).

"This Is RAW MEAT"

Despite her issues with the meat, Ginger prefers the Truffle Burger, which comes with housemade truffle cheese and truffle glaze.  

As a Rule, We Like Most Things With the Word "Truffle" in the Title

Rich and hearty, Vodka likes it, but finds it to be a bit "much," particularly when eaten with a side of truffle fries.  These fries are like an upscale version of the disco fries one would find in a New Jersey diner, meaning that the cheese sauce is so thick that it congeals into a giant mound at the bottom of the bowl (appetizing at 2am, not so much at 2pm).  

Velveeta Cheese Sauce

Umami French Fries: Going from Hot to Cold in Five Minutes or Less

But the truffle fries are downright works of art compared to the fried pickle plate, which is a true travesty.  Unlike the slices of lightly battered pickles that we had been expecting, we find four giant wedges, fried within an inch of their lives with chicken finger-like coating.  

Oh, How We Would Prefer That These Actually Be Chicken Fingers

The combination of flavors produces something that is not only odd but rather revolting, and Ginger takes the taste of this side dish quite personally.

It Should Be Right, But It's So, So Wrong

"I am disproportionately upset about the fried pickles.  If you have this basic of a menu, everything on it should be perfect," she complains, sweeping her hand over her plate of red meat for further evidence (clearly, we have a new "defeatist plate").

"You Don't Know How to Eat Burger"

By the time we're ready to leave, Ginger has moved onto grumbling about the fact that an unadorned (read: no French fries) burger here costs $12.  Are the burgers fairly good?  Yes, of course.  Are they worth twelve bucks, a half hour wait, dehydration, and a subsequent appointment with a hearing specialist?  Absolutely not.

If We Wanted All That, We'd Take Ourselves to McDonald's and Buy FOUR Burgers

Umami Burger may think that they have invented their own flavor, but unless they get their act together, they may very well be run out of town faster than we can down one of their nonexistent cocktails.

Umami Burger's Umami Burger: 4 stars

Off the Map: Comparison to a Munchkin Is the Highest Compliment

Made-to-Order Doughnuts -- Lola, Seattle, WA
Lola

After a study of three Tom Douglas restaurants, one thing seems clear: the man does not believe in electricity.  At least, he does not believe in lightbulbs, as the atmosphere of Dahlia Lounge, Serious Pie, and now Lola hover somewhere between "dim" and "pitch black."  Perhaps it is for this reason that each of the locations is accompanied by a bushel of free matches at the front of the house.  Are we supposed to light our own way to the table, Little House on the Prairie-style?

Anyone Have a Lantern?

As it happens, Chianti and her roommate are currently engaged in a quest to create a "hurricane kit" for weather emergencies, and they thus begin stuffing the available matches into their bags with the swiftness of a bank robber.  (For the record, to this day, the only items available in said 'hurricane kit' are these matches).

Because They Keep Drinking Their Booze Supply

In any case, we arrive at Lola with the intent to secure one of their most coveted tables for cocktail and dessert consumption only.  As it happens, not one of the restaurants where Vodka has made a reservation has called to confirm all week -- Not. One. -- which stands in stark contrast to the constant barrage of restaurant calls she receives in New York.  Clearly, in Seattle, the fine dining folks' philosophy is also "Homie don't care."

"Show Up or Don't Show Up -- Not Our Problem." --Seattle

Crawling into our booth, we order yet another round of cocktails and begin reading the dessert menu with the enthusiasm of drunkards on their fourth cocktails of the night.  Which is when we discover that the made-to-order doughnuts, as recommended by Giada Di Laurentiis on the TOTALLY FRIED episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, ARE NOT ON THE MENU.

Come ON now, Seattle!

STOP BEING ANNOYING!

Breaking into a flop sweat, as she has decades of experience concerning how Vodka reacts when her obsessive missions don't go as planned, Chianti flags down our waitress and inquires as to the status of said doughnuts.  And the waitress assures us that our requested dessert is, in fact, available.

Good thing, Lola.  GOOD THING.

Now Please Bring Us Each a Serving Immediately

Chianti's friends order the loukoumathes (cinnamon, honey, walnuts) and the goat cheese turnovers (pistachio, mint, honey), while Vodka and Chianti, at the waitress's urging, each order their own bag of doughnuts.  When our sweets arrive, Chianti immediately begins diving across the table towards her friends' choices, murmuring sweet nothings about how she "wants to make out with that honey."  Indeed, both of these dishes are smothered in honey gooiness -- a happenstance that is great if you love honey, which Vodka, well, does not.

Turnovers of Greekness

Apparently, All of Tom Douglas's Desserts Essentially Look Like Doughnuts

Hence, why in front of her is resting a plate of doughnuts.

Well, Actually, a Bag, But the Doughnuts Soon Emerge

Six miniature rounded rectangles of fried dough rest within a mound of fine sugar and cinnamon, with two bowls of huckleberry jam and vanilla mascarpone resting beside them.  

That's a "Neat" Jelly Transfer You Did There, Lola

One would think that it would be impossible to screw up something as naturally perfect as a doughnut, but sadly, both Buddakan and the Doughnut Plant has proven this theory wrong in the past, so Vodka is not making any grand judgments until she tastes the things.

And when she does, she is immediately ecstatic.

Cue the Choir of Angels, We Have a Winner

The doughnuts themselves are light and fluffy – a perfect balance between dense and airy.  They taste as good on the tongue as a Dunkin Donuts munchkin, which coming from us, is just about the highest compliment one can afford a doughnut.  

Carbs Covered in Cinnamon = Instant Success

While the huckleberry jam is sweet and enjoyable enough, Vodka is never one to choose a jelly doughnut.  This is especially the case considering that the vanilla mascarpone is downright delectable, and she scoops hearty portions of the stuff onto each corner of the "munchkin" as she aims it towards her mouth.

Rapidly Depleting Vanilla Cream

After demolishing all remnants of our cocktails and desserts, we begin to stumble out of Lola, Chianti secure in the knowledge that finally -- FINALLY -- Vodka has found a Seattle Best Thing I Ever Ate location that she has deemed worthy of 5 star status.

Only Took Three Days and a Literal Mound of Sugar

Of course, one could essentially go to Dunkin Donuts and have the same fried dough experience, but let's not split hairs here.  Chianti needs something to hold onto as she prepares for the end of the world, and memories of Lola's munchkins will keep her warm at night, even if her hoards of matches will not.

Lola's Made-to-Order Doughnuts: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate

Off the Map: This Crab Cake Could Stand for Some Tartar Sauce

Lemon-Scallion Dungeness Crab Cakes-- Dahlia Lounge, Seattle, WA
Dahlia Lounge

The first thing you need to know about Vodka's second full day in Seattle is that she took a duck tour by herself.  No, not just sans Chianti, who was at work (the nerve!), but ALL ALONE ON THE DUCK.  

And Let's Just Say the Duck Boats Don't Look as "Sturdy" As These Contraptions

To give you the proper imagery, just know that besides the tour guide, Vodka was the only one riding around the streets and water of Seattle (and the tour guide, for the record, refused to change his shtick despite the fact that Vodka was the only one on the tour.  For instance, "Anyone who has a quacker, now's the time to use them!"  Hey buddy, I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE).

Humiliation, Duck-Style

Cue Celine Dion Belting "All By Myself"

As you might recall, this is not the first time Vodka has found herself on a solo tour around a city.  Clearly the combination of strict adherence to one's itinerary and total lack of shame at being, say, saluted by a boat of fellow duck captains is quickly making for a pattern in her life.

SERIOUSLY -- They Are All SALUTING

Anyway, back to the eating: the next stop on the Seattle list is Dahlia Lounge, the first of three Tom Douglas restaurants (in a one-block radius) featured on Best Thing I Ever Ate.  

Nice Potted Shrubbery

In truth, the next stop was SUPPOSED to be Le Pichet, but as yet another strike against Seattle's seasonal food policies, they were not serving the raclette (which consists of -- wait for it -- cheese and potatoes.  HOW IS THAT SEASONAL?!).  Call us crazy, but if one of your dishes is ever featured on a Food Network program, you should be REQUIRED to feature it AT ALL TIMES.

Hey Market -- Ever Hear of Importing?

With that said, if there is one thing Vodka can say about Dahlia Lounge, it is that at least the lemon-scallion Dungeness crab cakes, as Giada Di Laurentiis talked about on the OBSESSIONS episode of the show, are on the menu.  

When It Comes to Best Thing I Ever Ate - Seattle, Half the Battle is the Food Showing Up

They also receive another ten points for handing Vodka, immediately upon sitting down, a sheet of cocktail options with the commentary, "Here's the booze list."  Way to prioritize, Dahlia.

Also Always Appreciative of a Themed Cocktail Napkin. It's the Little Things

Placing her order for a blueberry vodka soda (which is strong and thus wonderful) and a serving of the crab cakes (currently being served with emmer farro pilaf, marcona almond, dried cranberry, pumpkin ketchup, and cilantro), the bartender hands Vodka a parmesan and quince paste tasting spoon, which is, in a word, awful.  

Other Synonym Possibilities: Terrible. Horrible. Disgusting

Overly sweet and fig-like, it is all Vodka can do, after taking the whole portion into her mouth (after all, it does feature the word "parmesan") not to spit it out.

Spoon of Horror

The crab cakes arrive soon after, and the two of them are served atop a salad of farro and a side of orange ketchup.  The crab cakes themselves are lightly battered and fried, and the first taste of them reveals:

a) lemon -- SO MUCH lemon;
b) a crab shell (this is at least the third time this has happened in Seattle.  Let’s not even get started on our experiences in New York);
c) not nearly enough breading.

Now, understandably, Vodka is most likely alone on her feelings regarding point C, as she prefers a patty enclosed by carbs.  The crab meat itself, which is indeed plentiful here, is almost... too much.  And definitively too lemony.

And without a doubt in need of some tartar sauce.

Hi, Yes, Might You Have Any Condiments?

While the crab cakes are all around "fine" (to be fair, Chianti, who winds up eating Vodka's leftovers, finds them much more agreeable than Vodka does), the side portion of farro and dried cranberries is downright amazing -- the perfect combinations of textures and flavors, it manages to overshadow the crab cakes completely.  (The pumpkin ketchup, in contrast, is strange at best and rather gross at worst).

Ketchup Is Not Meant to be a Putrid Orange

When Vodka has finished making her way through this plate, she waves over the bartender and asks for him to wrap up the remainder of her dish (which is at least half of the initial portion).  And this is where the real trouble with Dahlia starts.  

Half a Plate's Worth. Keep This Image in Mind

The bartender escorts the plate away, and Vodka lays down her OpenTable gift certificate and credit card to pay.

"We don't take these," he says, pointing to the gift certificate.

"Yes, you do," Vodka insists.  "You take OpenTable reservations, so you take their gift certificates."

With a definitive look of non-belief, the bartender says, "Well, I've never seen one before.  I will have to check."  Yeah, you do that, mister.  And guess what?  You'll discover that you TAKE THE GIFT CARDS. 

Also, Could You Throw in a Side of Regular Ketchup in the Bag? Thanks

It is during this little display of discourteousness that Chianti and her friends make their appearance, and Vodka relocates to the booth directly behind her bar stool.  Alerting the bartender as to her new location, he returns with her finished bill (and guess what?  Miracle of miracles, the gift certificate works!) and no leftovers.  Vodka inquires about them.  No response.

We place our order for a new round of cocktails, and 15 minutes later, when a doggie bag has still not appeared, Vodka sicks our new waiter on the bartender.  Apparently, Mr. Know-It-All has had to have the kitchen whip up a new round of crab cakes, as they had thrown out the rest of Vodka's serving.  Way to use your listening skills, Big Shot.

PS As You Throw Together This New Round of Cakes, Feel Free to Use Less Lemon

Finally, a container featuring one crab cake and a smattering of farro arrives, and our initial impressiveness at Dahlia's willingness to create a new dish quickly dissipates.  Especially when Vodka finally looks at her receipt, and discovers that said crab cakes cost $32.  $32?!  What is this, New York?!

$16 a Cake?! Not Cool, Mr. Douglas

We eventually stumble out of Dahlia Lounge and onto our next Tom Douglas locale, solitary crab cake in hand and determined that before we consume this overpriced leftover, we will first stop off at the grocery store to acquire some tartar sauce.


Dahlia Lounge's Lemon-Scallion Dungeness Crab Cakes: 3 stars