Off the Map: Comparison to a Munchkin Is the Highest Compliment

Made-to-Order Doughnuts -- Lola, Seattle, WA
Lola

After a study of three Tom Douglas restaurants, one thing seems clear: the man does not believe in electricity.  At least, he does not believe in lightbulbs, as the atmosphere of Dahlia Lounge, Serious Pie, and now Lola hover somewhere between "dim" and "pitch black."  Perhaps it is for this reason that each of the locations is accompanied by a bushel of free matches at the front of the house.  Are we supposed to light our own way to the table, Little House on the Prairie-style?

Anyone Have a Lantern?

As it happens, Chianti and her roommate are currently engaged in a quest to create a "hurricane kit" for weather emergencies, and they thus begin stuffing the available matches into their bags with the swiftness of a bank robber.  (For the record, to this day, the only items available in said 'hurricane kit' are these matches).

Because They Keep Drinking Their Booze Supply

In any case, we arrive at Lola with the intent to secure one of their most coveted tables for cocktail and dessert consumption only.  As it happens, not one of the restaurants where Vodka has made a reservation has called to confirm all week -- Not. One. -- which stands in stark contrast to the constant barrage of restaurant calls she receives in New York.  Clearly, in Seattle, the fine dining folks' philosophy is also "Homie don't care."

"Show Up or Don't Show Up -- Not Our Problem." --Seattle

Crawling into our booth, we order yet another round of cocktails and begin reading the dessert menu with the enthusiasm of drunkards on their fourth cocktails of the night.  Which is when we discover that the made-to-order doughnuts, as recommended by Giada Di Laurentiis on the TOTALLY FRIED episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, ARE NOT ON THE MENU.

Come ON now, Seattle!

STOP BEING ANNOYING!

Breaking into a flop sweat, as she has decades of experience concerning how Vodka reacts when her obsessive missions don't go as planned, Chianti flags down our waitress and inquires as to the status of said doughnuts.  And the waitress assures us that our requested dessert is, in fact, available.

Good thing, Lola.  GOOD THING.

Now Please Bring Us Each a Serving Immediately

Chianti's friends order the loukoumathes (cinnamon, honey, walnuts) and the goat cheese turnovers (pistachio, mint, honey), while Vodka and Chianti, at the waitress's urging, each order their own bag of doughnuts.  When our sweets arrive, Chianti immediately begins diving across the table towards her friends' choices, murmuring sweet nothings about how she "wants to make out with that honey."  Indeed, both of these dishes are smothered in honey gooiness -- a happenstance that is great if you love honey, which Vodka, well, does not.

Turnovers of Greekness

Apparently, All of Tom Douglas's Desserts Essentially Look Like Doughnuts

Hence, why in front of her is resting a plate of doughnuts.

Well, Actually, a Bag, But the Doughnuts Soon Emerge

Six miniature rounded rectangles of fried dough rest within a mound of fine sugar and cinnamon, with two bowls of huckleberry jam and vanilla mascarpone resting beside them.  

That's a "Neat" Jelly Transfer You Did There, Lola

One would think that it would be impossible to screw up something as naturally perfect as a doughnut, but sadly, both Buddakan and the Doughnut Plant has proven this theory wrong in the past, so Vodka is not making any grand judgments until she tastes the things.

And when she does, she is immediately ecstatic.

Cue the Choir of Angels, We Have a Winner

The doughnuts themselves are light and fluffy – a perfect balance between dense and airy.  They taste as good on the tongue as a Dunkin Donuts munchkin, which coming from us, is just about the highest compliment one can afford a doughnut.  

Carbs Covered in Cinnamon = Instant Success

While the huckleberry jam is sweet and enjoyable enough, Vodka is never one to choose a jelly doughnut.  This is especially the case considering that the vanilla mascarpone is downright delectable, and she scoops hearty portions of the stuff onto each corner of the "munchkin" as she aims it towards her mouth.

Rapidly Depleting Vanilla Cream

After demolishing all remnants of our cocktails and desserts, we begin to stumble out of Lola, Chianti secure in the knowledge that finally -- FINALLY -- Vodka has found a Seattle Best Thing I Ever Ate location that she has deemed worthy of 5 star status.

Only Took Three Days and a Literal Mound of Sugar

Of course, one could essentially go to Dunkin Donuts and have the same fried dough experience, but let's not split hairs here.  Chianti needs something to hold onto as she prepares for the end of the world, and memories of Lola's munchkins will keep her warm at night, even if her hoards of matches will not.

Lola's Made-to-Order Doughnuts: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate

Off the Map: It's Our Trip to the Big City!

Roasted Chanterelles Truffle Cheese Pizza -- Serious Pie, Seattle, WA
Serious Pie

It seems as though Tom Douglas is to Seattle what Jose Garces is to Philadelphia and Jose Andres is to Washington, DC.  At least, that’s what we’re hoping, as Best Thing I Ever Ate is compelling us to go to three of his restaurants, all within moments of each other.

This Best Be Better Than the Crab Cake, Cause Vodka's Not in the Mood for Any More Funny Business

After a not-so-successful foray to Dahlia Lounge, Vodka, Chianti, and Chianti's two friends walk down the block to Serious Pie to indulge in some roasted chanterelle truffle cheese pizza, as recommended by Tyler Florence on the PIZZA episode of the show.  

Please Note the Period at the End of the Title. It Proves Just How Serious They Are

We are led to our (communal) table, and Vodka rolls her eyes to the ceiling instantly.

"Ugh, communal," she mumbles.  "It's like Chicago all over again."

Chianti and friends are not nearly as put off by this effort to force the customers into socialization, and we set about ordering a bottle of wine.

"Do they have chianti?" Chianti (predictably) pipes up.

"Why is that wine even your favorite?" Vodka asks.  "Is it the cheapest?"

Chianti pretends to be offended by this sentiment just long enough to confirm that yes, it most likely is the most frugal of the reds, and we order a bottle of the stuff to split.  

Dollar Store Wine

Then, in a fit of overconsumption, we order three pizzas: 2 of the mushroom and truffle cheese variety, and 1 with Penn Cove clams, house pancetta, and chilies.  

Another Telling Scene from Overeaters Anonymous

Additionally, everyone but the so-called "vegetarian," Chianti, is swayed by the waitress's description of the day's special, the bone marrow.

Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Bones, Knees and Bones

When said marrow arrives, an older gentleman at the next table witnesses Vodka taking pictures of the enterprise, and he moseys over to offer his services as our photographer.  Agreeing to this gesture quickly proves to be the worst decision ever made, as, after what has to be at least 12 minutes and a plethora of failed camera flashes, we have yet to secure a single picture with the four of us in the same frame.  As we virtually beg him to please give up the fight and hand back the camera, he calls out, with no shred of irony, "It's your trip to the big city, huh?"

Oh, for the love....

It's Like Being Told We Look Like We're from Milwaukee All Over Again!

At this point, Vodka tenses every muscle in her body in an effort not to tackle him so she can go back to being the culinary Ansel Adams, and when he eventually hands back the camera, we finally resume our meal.

And By "Resume Our Meal," We Mean "Vodka Resumes Taking Pictures of It"

Being Vodka's first experience with bone marrow, she finds it quite lovely, if difficult to consume.  Admittedly, part of her appeal with the stuff centers around the fact that Serious Pie has provided piles of flavored salt with which we can season the marrow, and Vodka has never met a salt she didn't like.

Really, Vodka's Not So Hard to Please: Just Put Salt on EVERYTHING

Moving onto the pizza, the clam variety is interesting in its uniqueness.  Topped with a hearty portion of clam meat, a hint of pancetta, and a large smattering of parmesan cheese, the crust is just pliable and chewy enough to bring the whole thing together.  Overall, the clam pizza is a delightful surprise.

We Like Anything Smothered in Cheese

Pop-Up Crust

While the Best Thing I Ever Ate truffle pizza is an epic disappointment.

As previously mentioned, Chianti has a rather large obsession with all truffle flavors, so drool is practically escaping from the corners of her lips by the time she places the first slice in her mouth.

"Well?" Vodka asks.

Silence.

Silence, as we know, is never a good sign.

When It Comes to Food Judgments, Silence Is NOT Golden

Vodka takes her own taste and declares in a matter of seconds, "Salt.  We need some major salt over here."  

Hurry, It's an Emergency

Indeed, the pizza, while certainly not bad, is bland in the extreme.  Somehow, the combination of mushroom, cheese, truffle, and bread -- all ingredients that we adore -- add up to a completely underwhelming pizza.  

The Classic "Good on Paper" Pizza

The crust and dough itself is thinner and crisper than its clam counterpart, and similar in consistency and look to the pizzettes at Socca in Chicago.  The mushrooms may have been better executed had they been cut into smaller pieces, and the whole thing is sorely lacking in cheese.  Unlike the more-than-visible parmesan on the clam version, this pizza's cheese seems to have melted away into neverland. 

Dear Oodles of Cheese, Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

So after two visits to his establishments, Tom Douglas is falling squarely into the "mediocre" category of Vodka's mind -- a circumstance that is disappointing considering, after all, that it's her "trip to the big city" of Seattle.

Serious Pie's Roasted Chanterelles Truffle Cheese Pizza: 3 stars

Off the Map: This Crab Cake Could Stand for Some Tartar Sauce

Lemon-Scallion Dungeness Crab Cakes-- Dahlia Lounge, Seattle, WA
Dahlia Lounge

The first thing you need to know about Vodka's second full day in Seattle is that she took a duck tour by herself.  No, not just sans Chianti, who was at work (the nerve!), but ALL ALONE ON THE DUCK.  

And Let's Just Say the Duck Boats Don't Look as "Sturdy" As These Contraptions

To give you the proper imagery, just know that besides the tour guide, Vodka was the only one riding around the streets and water of Seattle (and the tour guide, for the record, refused to change his shtick despite the fact that Vodka was the only one on the tour.  For instance, "Anyone who has a quacker, now's the time to use them!"  Hey buddy, I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE).

Humiliation, Duck-Style

Cue Celine Dion Belting "All By Myself"

As you might recall, this is not the first time Vodka has found herself on a solo tour around a city.  Clearly the combination of strict adherence to one's itinerary and total lack of shame at being, say, saluted by a boat of fellow duck captains is quickly making for a pattern in her life.

SERIOUSLY -- They Are All SALUTING

Anyway, back to the eating: the next stop on the Seattle list is Dahlia Lounge, the first of three Tom Douglas restaurants (in a one-block radius) featured on Best Thing I Ever Ate.  

Nice Potted Shrubbery

In truth, the next stop was SUPPOSED to be Le Pichet, but as yet another strike against Seattle's seasonal food policies, they were not serving the raclette (which consists of -- wait for it -- cheese and potatoes.  HOW IS THAT SEASONAL?!).  Call us crazy, but if one of your dishes is ever featured on a Food Network program, you should be REQUIRED to feature it AT ALL TIMES.

Hey Market -- Ever Hear of Importing?

With that said, if there is one thing Vodka can say about Dahlia Lounge, it is that at least the lemon-scallion Dungeness crab cakes, as Giada Di Laurentiis talked about on the OBSESSIONS episode of the show, are on the menu.  

When It Comes to Best Thing I Ever Ate - Seattle, Half the Battle is the Food Showing Up

They also receive another ten points for handing Vodka, immediately upon sitting down, a sheet of cocktail options with the commentary, "Here's the booze list."  Way to prioritize, Dahlia.

Also Always Appreciative of a Themed Cocktail Napkin. It's the Little Things

Placing her order for a blueberry vodka soda (which is strong and thus wonderful) and a serving of the crab cakes (currently being served with emmer farro pilaf, marcona almond, dried cranberry, pumpkin ketchup, and cilantro), the bartender hands Vodka a parmesan and quince paste tasting spoon, which is, in a word, awful.  

Other Synonym Possibilities: Terrible. Horrible. Disgusting

Overly sweet and fig-like, it is all Vodka can do, after taking the whole portion into her mouth (after all, it does feature the word "parmesan") not to spit it out.

Spoon of Horror

The crab cakes arrive soon after, and the two of them are served atop a salad of farro and a side of orange ketchup.  The crab cakes themselves are lightly battered and fried, and the first taste of them reveals:

a) lemon -- SO MUCH lemon;
b) a crab shell (this is at least the third time this has happened in Seattle.  Let’s not even get started on our experiences in New York);
c) not nearly enough breading.

Now, understandably, Vodka is most likely alone on her feelings regarding point C, as she prefers a patty enclosed by carbs.  The crab meat itself, which is indeed plentiful here, is almost... too much.  And definitively too lemony.

And without a doubt in need of some tartar sauce.

Hi, Yes, Might You Have Any Condiments?

While the crab cakes are all around "fine" (to be fair, Chianti, who winds up eating Vodka's leftovers, finds them much more agreeable than Vodka does), the side portion of farro and dried cranberries is downright amazing -- the perfect combinations of textures and flavors, it manages to overshadow the crab cakes completely.  (The pumpkin ketchup, in contrast, is strange at best and rather gross at worst).

Ketchup Is Not Meant to be a Putrid Orange

When Vodka has finished making her way through this plate, she waves over the bartender and asks for him to wrap up the remainder of her dish (which is at least half of the initial portion).  And this is where the real trouble with Dahlia starts.  

Half a Plate's Worth. Keep This Image in Mind

The bartender escorts the plate away, and Vodka lays down her OpenTable gift certificate and credit card to pay.

"We don't take these," he says, pointing to the gift certificate.

"Yes, you do," Vodka insists.  "You take OpenTable reservations, so you take their gift certificates."

With a definitive look of non-belief, the bartender says, "Well, I've never seen one before.  I will have to check."  Yeah, you do that, mister.  And guess what?  You'll discover that you TAKE THE GIFT CARDS. 

Also, Could You Throw in a Side of Regular Ketchup in the Bag? Thanks

It is during this little display of discourteousness that Chianti and her friends make their appearance, and Vodka relocates to the booth directly behind her bar stool.  Alerting the bartender as to her new location, he returns with her finished bill (and guess what?  Miracle of miracles, the gift certificate works!) and no leftovers.  Vodka inquires about them.  No response.

We place our order for a new round of cocktails, and 15 minutes later, when a doggie bag has still not appeared, Vodka sicks our new waiter on the bartender.  Apparently, Mr. Know-It-All has had to have the kitchen whip up a new round of crab cakes, as they had thrown out the rest of Vodka's serving.  Way to use your listening skills, Big Shot.

PS As You Throw Together This New Round of Cakes, Feel Free to Use Less Lemon

Finally, a container featuring one crab cake and a smattering of farro arrives, and our initial impressiveness at Dahlia's willingness to create a new dish quickly dissipates.  Especially when Vodka finally looks at her receipt, and discovers that said crab cakes cost $32.  $32?!  What is this, New York?!

$16 a Cake?! Not Cool, Mr. Douglas

We eventually stumble out of Dahlia Lounge and onto our next Tom Douglas locale, solitary crab cake in hand and determined that before we consume this overpriced leftover, we will first stop off at the grocery store to acquire some tartar sauce.


Dahlia Lounge's Lemon-Scallion Dungeness Crab Cakes: 3 stars