Off the Map: The PG Version of a Hoecake

Hoecakes -- The Lady and Sons, Savannah, GA

The Lady and Sons

To this day, Paula Deen remains the one and only Food Network personality that Vodka has met offscreen. 

How Lucky for All the Other Personalities

And therefore, Vodka was quite keen to finally make the journey to Paula's outpost, The Lady and Sons, in Savannah, GA.

So Excited That She Got to Lunch a Half Hour Early So She Could Sit in the Waiting Room by Herself

Now, at the Food Network-sponsored events with Paula which Vodka attended years ago, the food was... less than stellar. 

Exhibit A

And so she is not overly optimistic about the gourmet options when she arrives for lunch as part of Grey Goose's bachelorette party. 

Time to Do Shots Under the Watchful Eye of the Lady and Sons

As it happens, the only dish on the menu from Best Thing I Ever Ate is of the gratis variety: the complimentary hoecakes which appear on each of our bread plates before we have even placed our orders. 

At Least They Understand the Importance of Prompt Carb Delivery Around Here

Said cakes were recommended by Tyler Florence on the CAKE WALK episode, though we note that the staff has taken to calling them "fried corn cakes," or something similar, thus rebranding the pastries to something less... mature-sounding?

Family Friendly Baked Goods

Now, as someone who has never tried a hoecake before, it is possible that something is lost in translation, as Vodka finds the creation more dry and crumbly than pleasing to the tastebuds. 

In Fact, This Is How Her Bread Plate Looked at the End of the Meal

As it happens, the accompanying biscuit with melted cheddar has much more flavor than the item Tyler had chosen, as does the crab stew that Vodka picks for her entree (hey, it's been a long weekend of overeating -- a girl can only take so many fried green tomatoes). 

Bring on the Melted Cheese

Possibly the Most Self-Controlled Lunch Vodka Has Ever Ordered

Once utilized as a dipping utensil for the remainder of her soup, the hoecake becomes more pleasing, but it never quite rises above the average territory.

Good to the Last Sop

But then again, hey, what do you want for free?

The Lady and Sons Hoecakes: 3 stars

Off the Map: You Guys Are Going to Be Eating Well Tonight

BLT Fried Green Tomato Salad -- The Olde Pink House, Savannah, GA

The Olde Pink House

Perhaps not everyone lands in Savannah, GA, and decides to eat fried food exclusively, but Vodka is decidedly one of those people.

Someone Fetch Her Elastic Waistbands

While on a trip to the The Olde Pink House with her friends, Bloody Mary and Sazerac (who took so long to choose his blog nickname that you would have thought he were naming his first-born), Vodka decides that the best thing to do is to not only order the most fattening things on the menu, but to make her friends order them as well.

Just Bring Us One of Everything

While she is ostensibly here to eat the BLT Fried Green Tomato Salad, as chosen by Aaron Sanchez on the SLICED episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, Vodka didn't cart herself all the way to her 27th state to consume only a salad. 

Does This Look Like a Georgia Peach to You?

Therefore, along with this appetizer, she chooses the fried chicken and mac and cheese, with the addition of a Manhattan made with "some kind of Charleston rye" (exact quote from her extensive drunken notes).

There Is Also No Picture of Her Cocktail -- Only of Sazerac's... Sazerac

Bloody Mary, playing along in the excessive calorie game, chooses the goat cheese stuffed artichoke fritters for her starter and the fried pork chop with pan gravy, collards, and mac and cheese for her entree.

Go Big or Go Home

"You guys are going to be eating well tonight," our waiter quips. "And you chose two of my three favorite entrees."

"What's your other one?" Bloody Mary asks.

"The lamb shank," he answers.

"Get that," Bloody Mary implores Sazerac.

Three for Three

"And what's your favorite appetizer?" Vodka pipes up.

"The chicken livers," our waiter informs us.

"He'll take that," Bloody Mary says, pointing to Sazerac, who is retreating further and further into his seat as his meal becomes increasingly less appealing.

Nothing Like a Few Livers in the Early Evening

Thankfully, the provided biscuits are so delectable that they temporarily make Sazerac forget about his earlier bullying, as does the gawdy-yet-homey ambience of the Olde Pink House itself, which is deceptively larger than its blush exterior suggests.

We'll Take Fourteen More Baskets of These, Thanks!

Ballroom Seating

Wisely Taken Earlier in the Day When the Hue Could Be Captured

When our appetizers arrive, Vodka and Bloody Mary (in the end, Sazerac refuses to taste anything but the fritters) find the BLT fried green tomato salad and sweet bacon with black pepper thyme buttermilk dressing (now there's a mouthful) to be pleasing, if not spectacular. 

To Be Fair, the Fried Foods-to-Greens Ratio Is on Point, So We Shouldn't Have Many Complaints

Bloody Mary correctly compares it to something similar to her grandmother's seven-layer salad, which is a compliment, if not of the highest order. 

This, Too, May Be Precisely Seven Layers

In truth, the dish is probably the perfect antidote to the bevy of rich foods we are about to devour, but in the moment, we are fairly underwhelmed.

"Could You Take This Back and Bring It To Us for Dessert?"

The chicken livers, however, are surprisingly delicious, as are their accompanying grits, which are just about the best version of them we have ever tasted. 

Now This Is More 5 Star Territory

To be fair, the chicken livers mostly taste like their heavily breaded and fried outside, but what delectable breading that is!

In Contrast, Sazerac's Sad Little Plate of Fritters

When our entrees are served, a gigantic half-chicken is placed in front of Vodka at the same time Bloody Mary and Sazerac receive their own meals, each with the noted side of macaroni and cheese.

Placed In Front of Everyone but Vodka

"Where's my mac and cheese?!" Vodka erupts in what can only be compared to full panic mode, as if she hasn't eaten in days, as opposed to the full litter of chicken livers she downed not more than fifteen minutes before.

Also, It's Not Like She Doesn't Have a Full Chicken to Consume in the Meantime

Another waiter escorts Vodka her desired mac and cheese within seconds, and it is decidedly worth the wait (and the weight). 

Now That's a Proper Southern Meal

Home-style without being soggy, the noodles have enough crunchy bits around the top to demonstrate where the upper level of cheese sizzled to a crisp, and it is all the three of us can do not to inhale the entirety of our full portions before trying our proteins.

The Consequence of Peer Pressure

This means that the fried chicken, a star in its own right, has the unfortunate position of being the thing that Vodka eats last after a full gut-busting cornucopia of goodness. 

Taking a Breather to Admire the Scenery

As she takes a short break for digestion purposes, our waiter asks if she would like another drink. As she decides between a second Manhattan or a glass of wine, he suggests she get something with bubbles since that will go best with the chicken.

Carbonation: Vodka's Fatal Ingredient

"OH NO," Vodka asserts with nearly as much passion as she had about the missing mac and cheese. "I can't do bubbles. I'll take cabernet."

"Big and bold or fun and playful?" our waiter asks without hesitation.

FYI, "Big and Bold or Fun and Playful" Will Be the Name of Our Next Blog

"Big and bold," Vodka chooses. Because while in Savannah, you simply must go all in and be as big, bold, and Southern-fried as possible.

The Olde Pink House's BLT Fried Green Tomato Salad: 4 stars