Food by Mail: Pandemic Carrot Cake

Carrot Cake -- Lloyd's Carrot Cake, Riverdale, NY

Lloyd's Carrot Cake

Essential supplies one needs during a global pandemic: Face masks. Hand sanitizer. Carrot cake.

We Didn't Make the Rules

Over one-hundred days into the coronavirus lockdown, Vodka, in NYC, receives a text from Ginger, in CA, alerting her that a shipment is about to arrive at Vodka's front desk. 

"Happy Birthday, Here's a Fruit Cake," Take 2

"Sorry to make you leave your safe zone," Ginger writes, as Vodka has righteously declared herself the "Winner of Quarantine." Not only does she not go outside (literally ever), she only leaves the confines of her apartment in the middle of the night while sporting a homemade hazmat suit in order to fetch packages from her lobby. 

When Your Health Fears Stand in the Way of Your Snacks

But once it's revealed that Ginger's mysterious gift is perishable, Vodka decides to risk life and limb to shuffle downstairs mid-afternoon to claim her prize.

Also Convenient, as Her Own Food Supply Was Already Running Low

Waiting for Vodka is a box from Lloyd's Carrot Cake, the home of Alex Guarnaschelli's Best Thing I Ever Ate ALL AMERICAN dessert. Inside the cardboard box, Vodka finds an insulation bag... with an entire carrot cake plopped in the middle. 

Oh, Hello There

The delicacy looks virtually unscathed, considering the fact that it has journeyed through the wilds of FedEx in little more than a Ziploc. 

Sturdy Transportation Device?

Once Vodka frees it from the bag, she sticks it in the refrigerator to give it a moment to recover from its pilgrimage.

Along with Its Friend, the Now-Melted Ice Pack

Later that evening, while deep into a glass of rose, Vodka manages to unfurl the cake's Saran Wrap covering with only three hand washings, and then debates whether to cut herself a piece or just dive into the creation fork-first. 

Will Touch Multiple Potentially Contaminated Surfaces to Procure Cake

Opting for the more civilized route, if only for the sake of pictures, she heaves a butter knife into the cake. Based on the heavy weight of the shipping box, and the amount of effort it takes to cut a piece, one would assume that the cake would be extremely dense. 

A Forkful of Sugar Makes the Pandemic... Oh, Never Mind

However, the cake proves to be surprisingly light in texture -- it's the half-inch of delectable cream cheese frosting on top that is weighing the entire enterprise down.

Frosting-to-Cake Ratio on Point

With orange shards of visible carrot pieces throughout, this is the most carroty of any carrot cake Vodka has tasted. 

Peter Rabbit Approved

Light, moist, and spiced with cinnamon, the cake is complemented perfectly by the icing, which would be cloying in its sweetness if paired with a different cake flavor. But this combination is truly stupendous, and upon polishing off her piece, Vodka debates procuring a second.

By the Next Day, She Has Lost All Sense of Decorum

Thanks to the wonders of Lloyd's packaging techniques, their cake-in-a-bag proves that being separated by 3000 miles and a worldwide pandemic doesn't mean you can't still share dessert with friends.

Especially When You Don't Actually Have to Share It

Lloyd's Carrot Cake's Carrot Cake: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate

Off the Map: Walking Around the Drive-In

BBQ Chicken -- Bar-B-Q King, Charlotte, NC

Bar-B-Q King

If you've never been lost within the confines of a fast food restaurant, you've never vacationed with Vodka.

This Statement is True for Both the Upper- and Lower-Case Versions of "Vodka"

Twenty minutes after landing at the Charlotte International Airport, Vodka and her college roommate, Whiskey Sour, can be found staring helplessly at a blank wall within Bar-B-Q King, searching for a menu, an employee, and/or any clue as to what we are supposed to do next.

We're People Who Need GPS for INSIDE a Store

Before long, a sheriff, who is inexplicably stationed within the establishment, implores us to round the corner in order to find the cashier, which is where we can place our order for Guy Fieri's chosen Best Thing I Ever Ate ALL AMERICAN dish, the BBQ chicken.

Personally, We Find Onion Rings More American, but Okay

It appears that we are not actually supposed to be inside Bar-B-Q King at all, since every other patron has remained in his or her car, having their provisions fetched for them, Sonic-style, by employees who have worked here longer than we've been alive. 

Literally, They've Regaled Us with Their Employment Histories

In contrast, our Lyft driver is loitering somewhere within the parking lot, holding our luggage and dignity hostage, as we await our takeout order.

We're Going to Sue Guy If We Lose Our Backup Jeans on Account of His Chicken Choice

Overwhelmed by the menu before us, we place an order for two BBQ combo trays and one Thursday BBQ special, figuring this will give us the chance to sample much of what Bar-B-Q King has to offer.

We'd Appreciate a Better Picture-to-Text Ratio

 Three giant boxes of steaming fried food later, we realize the possible error of our ways.

A BBQ Meal Fit for Kings, So to Speak

Perhaps due to a combination of the quantity, the leisurely pace of Southern efficiency, and our growing angst that our rideshare driver is about to make haste with our underwear, it takes an exceptionally long time for our meal to be prepared. 

Please Speed Up the Pickle Placement

During this lull, we are "entertained" by the aforementioned sheriff, who after ever lengthier pauses, answers such innocuous questions as "What should we see while in Charlotte?" with, "Well... I don't... I don't really... I don't know what you like."

Charlotte, We Have Found the Next Member of Your Tourism Bureau

We eventually arrive, suitcases unscathed, at our hotel to meet our third college roommate, Diet Coke. 

And Immediately Place Before Her a Mountain of Carolina Goodness

Finding a dearth of seating in our room, and discouraged against carting our grub up to the swanky rooftop bar, we hover over the myriad of boxes like pigs lined up at the trough. 

Classing Up the Place Since 2003

Whiskey Sour, who is starving, is moaning with glee at the King's creations. 

It's Worth Noting That We, As Always, Loaded Up on Condiments

Along with Guy's choice, which is a fried chicken dunked in a generous layer of BBQ sauce, we have pulled pork, French fries, onion rings, hushpuppies, cole slaw, baked beans, and rolls with which to contend. 

In Other Words, a Light Meal

Vodka, who despite dragging friends to BBQ places around the country for Best Thing I Ever Ate purposes, does not really enjoy the cuisine, is fairly neutral on the buffet before us, as is Diet Coke. 

How Much Pulled Pork Can One Judge... If One Doesn't Like Pulled Pork?

Due to the addition of the sauce, the chicken is on the soggy side (perhaps why one is encouraged to consume it in the car), and the flavor itself is appropriately sweet and sour, yet still unremarkable. 

Non-Crispy Chicken

The standout item among this array is the small sampling of baked beans (of all things), but despite Whiskey Sour's protests, we refuse to give the chicken itself anymore than a respectable, if average, 3 stars.

That's One Star Per Box

Appropriately, after quantum physics-level of finagling in order to fit our leftovers into the overflowing minibar refrigerator, it is Whiskey Sour who hauls the five-pound box of North Carolina delicacies up north for a final feast, all the while maintaining their 5 star appeal.

Bar-B-Q King's BBQ Chicken: 3 stars

Off the Map: Are You Trying to Make the Michael Symon Dog?

Hot Dog with Peanut Butter, Alien Pickle Relish, Sriacha -- Happy Dog, Cleveland, OH

Happy Dog

By the end of our first full day in Cleveland, Vodka and Mezcal are punchy, and not just because of the number of carbs currently battling their way through their digestive tracks. 

Cleveland, You've Been Good to Us, If Not to Our Waistlines

But before we can retreat for the night (at the rebellious time of 9:07pm), there is one more Best Thing I Ever Ate dish to be conquered, and it's a doozy. You see, on the ALL AMERICAN episode, Michael Symon chose a hot dog from Happy Dog. Now, there are few things we love more in life than a hot dog, which should make this a fairly easy conquest.

Thank Goodness for a Final Easy Dish to Go Calmly Into the Night... 

Only the hot dog Michael picked includes chunky peanut butter, alien pickle relish, and sriacha sauce.

...Or Not

Um, Mr. Symon, exactly how many of those India lime fizzes did you drink before downing this thing?

We Also Ordered a Side, Just In Case We Didn't Eat Enough Today

Happy Dog itself is essentially a dive bar with live music, which thankfully, based on our abhorrence of all things loud, was just about to begin as we were leaving. Orders are checked off by the customers themselves on paper pads featuring every possible type of hot dog combination you can invent, and the entire process is reminiscent of a childhood miniature golf game. 

We've Read Too Many Menus Lately to Deal with This Right Now

We choose the correct components based on Michael's tastes, making a note to ask for sriacha, as specified at the bottom of the pad. And then, mere moments later, we promptly forget to ask for the sriacha. It's been a long day, okay?

And Not For Nothing, We Were a Tad Thrown Off by Ordering Something Called ALIEN GREEN RELISH

Thankfully, our bartender appears to be on to us, as he takes one look at our choice and pipes up, "Are you trying to make the Michael Symon dog? Do you also want sriacha?" Now branded as the Cleveland tourists that we are, our dog arrives soon afterward, along with a basket of beer cheese fondue tots. 

The Inner Workings of the Day's 27th Meal

The hot dog itself is a tad frightening on the surface, especially because the bottom of the bun has split completely open, which Vodka finds more than a little annoying. But, presumably because he is Michael Symon and he has never steered a Cleveland palate wrong, the taste is fairly remarkable. The toppings together, in theory, should not work, but miraculously, they kind of do. And while peanut butter on a hot dog sounded like the opposite of a winner before we entered the premises, by the time we leave, we are squarely a fan.

Looking More Like a Speakeasy Than the Bar That Tried to Be a Speakeasy

We are also a fan of not only the tater tots, but of the Happy Dog bartenders themselves, who are much more reminiscent of the stereotype one would picture from a Clevelander serving a hot dog bar: chill, relaxed, and dressed in flannel.

Velvet Tango Room, Please Take Note

If we hadn't already eaten half our weight in Ohio goodness today, we would have liked to have tried a more "traditional" hot dog, being that the meat itself is some of the best we have ever tasted in encased beef form. But the way things stand, we can't manage to do much more than roll ourselves out the exit, happy as a pig in mud.

In This Case, the Pig Analogy Is Literal

Happy Dog's Hot Dog with Peanut Butter, Alien Pickle Relish, Sriacha: 4 stars

Welcome to New York

Cheesecake -- Junior's
Junior's

Some people (you may call them "adventurous" or you may call them "irrational") go to Times Square on December 31st to ring in the new year.  The rest of us show up twelve hours later to eat cheesecake.

For Auld Lang Syne, My Dear

We have cautiously ventured to Times Square on New Year's Day in order to consume Rocco DiSpirito's chosen Best Thing I Ever Ate ALL AMERICAN dish, the cheesecake at Junior's.

Shubert Alley's Lowest Point

Rather than traipsing all the way to Brooklyn (we say this as if we'd be able to find Brooklyn in the first place), Vodka has suggested the theatre district location because she, naturally, is seeing Follies again.

Vodka Spots the Holy Grail from Junior's Patio

Finding the Junior's restaurant overcome with a throng of people waiting for tables, we decide to purchase our slice of cheesecake from the Junior's bakery next door and head into the Marriott Marquis hotel lobby to consume it.  In order to reach this lobby, we are challenged with scaling eight floors of escalators, a task particularly daunting for us, as Ginger keeps getting shocked by the handrail and Vodka knows of two-year-olds who board escalators more easily than she does.

Miles to Go Before We Eat

When we finally reach the lobby, Ginger whips out her juice box of coconut water ("I brought my own beverage") to soothe herself from her long journey upstairs and uptown (and, more importantly, from her lingering New Year's Eve libations).

Cheesecake, Meet Coconut Water. You'll Soon Be Dining Together

When we find a dearth of empty tables on which to plunk down our cheesecake, we hover in two armchairs until a middle-aged couple, who we would bet money are from Long Island, begin to vacate one.

"Are you leaving?" Ginger inquires, not-so-subtly plopping our Junior's bag next to the woman's purse.

Ginger Stakes Her Claim

"Yes," the man answers.  "But we're charging five dollars for the table -- welcome to New York!"  He chuckles, highly amused at his clever way of pointing out how expensive New York is to far-flung out-of-staters like ourselves.

Well, it wouldn't be a new year unless we were mistaken for tourists thirty blocks from our own residences, now would it?

This Is What We Get for Walking Around with These Scarlet Letter Tourist Mugs

Unphased (in truth, highly amused) by our tourist status, we break open our container of Junior's cheesecake and prepare to dive in (well, Vodka prepares to dive in as Ginger mimes frantically for Vodka to hand her a fork).

You're Welcome for Us Classing Up Your Lobby, Marriott Marquis

The cheesecake is thick and creamy, the ideal texture, and it features just a hint of sweetness which prevents it from getting too rich too quickly.

Blanche Devereaux Called - She Wants Her Cheesecake Back

Ginger remarks that she prefers a crunchy graham cracker crust, and unfortunately, this slice has more of a soft layer cake bottom.

Cheesecake Crust by Way of TastyKake Krimpets

We make our way slowly through the cake as Ginger confesses that while she was visiting her parents over the holidays, she had to wear her old marching band shoes to Zumba class when she found herself without sneakers (laughter at this anecdote takes up a solid five minutes of available eating time).

One Has to Attend Zumba When One Eats As Much As We Do

By the end, we can't quite bring ourselves to finish the slice, though whether this is due to the size of the cheesecake itself or our previous night's activities remains open for discussion.

A Portrait of Cheesecake on New Year's Day

As we not-so-easily make our way back down the escalators so Ginger can drop Vodka off at the Follies theatre, we begin to plan our January Best Thing I Ever Ate eating schedule.  Because it may be 2012 now, but this inquiry remains as relevant as ever: "New year, same question: when are we eating?"

We Apparently Share a Life Philosophy with Pigeons

Junior's Cheesecake: 4 stars