Off the Map: Honey, I Shrunk Your Beignet Order

Blue Crab Beignets - La Petite Grocery, New Orleans, LA

La Petite Grocery

To be fair, we admit that our issue was right there in the title: SMALL PLATES, BIG TASTE. That is the Best Thing I Ever Ate episode on which Alex Guarnaschelli featured the blue crab beignets from Le Petite Grocery in New Orleans. So perhaps we should have heeded the warning on the whole "small plates" of it all. But what the episode title should have also included was the phrase "GIANT PRICETAG."

Apparently You Have to Pay a Lot More Coins for a James Beard Award

Look, Vodka lives in New York City. She is rarely shocked by restaurant prices outside of the Big Apple, because at worst, they tend to be on par with what she's used to. But said blue crab beignets cost $21, and there are exactly three (3) of them served on the plate. That is $7 each for an item roughly the size of an engorged tater tot!

We Could Buy Three Dunkin' Donuts for the Cost of One of These Suckers!

Were the blue crab beignets tasty? Sure. Was the accompanying malt vinegar aioli a pleasing addition? Yeah, okay. Was each one worth the price of an egg and cheese sandwich in New York City? Absolutely not.

Also, the Presentation-Via-Napkin Leaves Something to Be Desired

The rest of our meal at La Petite Grocery was pleasant enough, but clearly not so much that Vodka took any notes about it (so guess for yourself what these dishes are). 

Whatever They Were, They Probably Cost Less Than the Beignets

Mystery Shrimp and Grits

The butterscotch pudding was the highlight of the evening, though even that is described on the menu as being served alongside "cookies," when we received... a single cookie. (At $10, this is still a far better bang for your buck than those pesky beignets, even if half the promised cookies got left behind.)

The Cookies Are In the Kitchen with the Rest of Our Beignets

Overall, perhaps it is best that Vodka, due to her lack of access to the Cooking Channel, cannot watch these new episodes of Best Thing I Ever Ate, as the dishes from this second incarnation of the program have been decidedly more lackluster than their previous counterparts. Still, New Orleans remains one of the top culinary mainstays of any city we have ever visited... just not at New York City prices.

La Petite Grocery's Blue Crab Beignets: 3 stars

Off the Map: But Where Are the Nachos?

Cracklin' Nachos - Kingfish, New Orleans, LA

Kingfish

Here's the thing to know about nachos: They are Vodka's kryptonite. There have been many a night in the restaurants of New York City where Vodka (after a solid serving of vodka itself) has requested the kitchen draw up a plate of salted chips, melted cheese, and a heap of sour cream (whether or not said kitchen actually has nachos on the menu). So imagine her excitement when she saw that one of the new Best Thing I Ever Ate New Orleans dishes was one featuring the word "nachos" in the title.

The Beverage That Typically Leads to Nacho Consumption

Spoiler alert: They were not, in fact, nachos. 

Womp Womp

After a rousing trip on a swamp tour (where we were the only customers, and thankfully only spotted 1.5 alligators), Vodka and Whiskey Sour head to Kingfish to try Marc Murphy's chosen STACKED dish, the pork cracklin' nachos.

"Swamp Tour" Is a Phrase Vodka Never Thought Would Appear on One of Her Travel Itineraries

Now, when Vodka read this title, she (perhaps stupidly) assumed that a platter of tortilla chips would arrive piled with the usual nacho toppings, as well as some pulled pork and crumbled up cracklin'. Instead, what appears is what the title actually reads: pork cracklin' nachos. The cracklins are the "nachos." There are no chips. The chips are the cracklins and the cracklins are the chips.

First Impression: Please Return to Sender

Vodka has had cracklins exactly once in her life, when she and Ginger visited Chicago, and she has never felt the need to consume them again. And indeed, upon first taste of these nachos, her fears prove worthy - the cracklin is SO CRACKLIN that she's convinced she's about to chip a molar. However, as we make our way through the dish, most of the cracklins themselves are thankfully less teeth-breakingly crunchy, and the results are a somewhat pleasing, though definitely not expected, offering.

And We're Also Going to Need About Ten More Helpings of Sour Cream

These "nachos" come topped with pulled pork, pimento cheese sauce, pickles, tomatoes, poblanos, and sour cream. Frankly, the condiments are a little sparse, especially because the more saturated cracklins are easier to chew. We decide that this would be a gratifying dish when either drunk (i.e. when Vodka is most prone to order nachos) or hungover, though it could definitely use an added spice from sliced jalapenos (the poblanos just don't pack the same level of punch).

In Positive News, We Once Again Managed to Dine Alone

Overall, while we appreciate the inventiveness of this play on nachos, they don't stack up to the real thing. After all, with our garden variety nachos, we don't typically need to check that all our teeth are still intact upon exiting the premises.

Kingfish's Cracklin' Nachos: 3 stars

Off the Map: The Great Oyster Escape

The Peacemaker - Mahony's Po-Boys, New Orleans, LA

Mahony's Po-Boys

During their last jaunt to New Orleans, Vodka and her college roommate, Whiskey Sour, tasted the gold standard of po-boys at Domilise's Po-Boy and Bar. The only reasons they opted out of making a return visit to Domilise's fried shrimp palace are a) a lack of willingness to wait in their line, and b) the quest to be "adventurous" and try something new. This would prove to be a poor decision.

Mahony's: Where Nobody Knows Our Name and Is Not Particularly Pleased We Came

In place of Domilise's, we trek off via St. Charles streetcar to Mahony's Po-Boys, home of The Peacemaker, which Aaron Sanchez spoke of during the SANDWICH HALL OF FAME episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. The Peacemaker features fried shrimp and oysters, along with bacon and cheddar cheese. Because the large size is the better deal ($26 versus the half-sandwich's $17), we each opt for our own sandwich... which ends up being a good move, as Vodka immediately dumps a solid portion of hers on the floor.

Oyster Down

To blame the carb and not the carb-eater, the bread which Mahony's uses for their po-boys is much less pliable, much more crumbly, and, dare we say, much less fresh than that used at Domilise's. Because of these qualities, it does not scoop around the (packed in) sandwich components nearly as well, which is how Vodka loses an oyster within seconds of her first bite.

Too Much of a Not-Very-Good Thing

This loss would prove to be fortuitous, as the oysters themselves are off-putting at best, and downright fishy at worst. In fact, Vodka ends up scooping all of the ones that didn't fall to the ground back into the basket, and eventually does the same with the bacon, which she deems an unnecessary addition.

Did We Really Need ANOTHER Protein Source?

While Domilise's may always have the upper-hand for us where po-boys are concerned, due not just to their quality but also to how unexpectedly amazing we found the entire enterprise ("how can this possibly be so good?!"), Mahony's effort truly pales in comparison. Vodka eventually gives up entirely, leaving practically a loaf of bread and a family of oysters behind, while Whiskey Sour, never one to waste food, wraps up the remainder of hers in the provided wax paper.

Nothing Says 'New Orleans' Like Strolling the Streets with an Oyster in Your Purse

In fact, the more distant Mahony's Peacemaker floats into our past, the more sour our memory of it turns. By nightfall, we downgrade it from a respectable, if unshowy, 3 stars to barely a 2. And in retrospect, it is possibly one of the worst things we have ever eaten in New Orleans.

When Absence Does Not, In Fact, Make the Heart Grow Fonder

Proof, we suppose, that "adventure" doesn't have to mean trudging down a new road to a novel location, but rather deigning to wait in line for something you know will be worth the journey.

Mahony's Po-Boys's The Peacemaker: 2 stars

Off the Map: Return to the Big Easy

Cookies + Milk - Willa Jean, New Orleans, LA

Willa Jean

It has been five years since Vodka and her college roommate, Whiskey Sour, made their inaugural trek to New Orleans, and quickly fell in love with the all the spirit, food, and roadie beverages the city had to offer. 

Hello, Old Friend

Since that initial visit, a brand new version of Best Thing I Ever Ate has launched in the world - one Vodka has unfortunately never seen because her cable company will not allow her to add JUST the Cooking Channel to her package. However, thanks to the internets, we are able to hit up some of the new hotspots - and/or hot dishes - that the Food Network stars have recommended.

Best Thing I Ever Ate, New Orleans, The Sequel

Up first is Willa Jean, a place we tried to go to for breakfast during our last trip, but unfortunately found it completely packed. Due to this historical precedent, we arrive promptly on a weekday morning... and find the place totally empty.

"How Long's the Wait for a Table?"

We are supposed to be consuming the Cookies + Milk, as recommended by Aaron Sanchez on the PICTURE PERFECT episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. 

A Well-Rounded Breakfast

We had assumed we wouldn't be able to order this dish, as it wasn't featured on the online breakfast menu, but a quick perusal of the corresponding "counter menu" shows that we can in fact order said cookies at 7:30am... if we are seated at the counter. Perhaps because we are still the only customers populating the place, our waitress lets us know that we won't actually have to vacate our table, and we add a little dessert to our already robust breakfast choices (WJ breakfast for Vodka, and the crab omelette for Whiskey Sour).

Not a Hint of Greenery in Sight

Our meals are incredibly decadent - the biscuits a particular highlight, and in their layered texture, a bit croissant-like in execution. The cookies are similarly extremely well executed - both crunchy and gooey, served appropriately warm for proper dunking within the corresponding milk. But they are more of the standard chocolate chip cookie fare instead of particularly unique or exotic. As it happens, the milk itself is what really makes the dish - called vanilla milk on the menu, it tastes more like cereal or marshmallow milk to our (not so discerning) palates. And the combination of the milk + cookie is quite satisfying.

A Cookie Monster Dreamscape

The plate also comes with a ball of raw cookie dough, which is much less appealing - cloyingly sweet, neither one of us manage more than one dainty bite. And while we would absolutely hightail it back to Willa Jean for our next jaunt to New Orleans, the cookies + milk would not necessarily make the cut for a future order - eating our weight's worth in a biscuit sampling seems more likely.

 Mind Your Own Biscuits and Life Will be Gravy

We depart Willa Jean with a biscuit in one handbag, a cookie in another, a cup of milk clutched in Whiskey Sour's hand, and the certainty that five years on, New Orleans has not lost its ability to delight us.

Willa Jean's Cookies + Milk: 4 stars

Off the Map: You Gotta Get a (Different) Gimmick

Gnocchi Bread Bowl - DiAnoia's Eatery, Pittsburgh, PA

DiAnoia's Eatery

We want to love the gnocchi bread bowl. We really do. After all, it has seemingly every food item one could possibly want wrapped up in a single entree: pasta, cheese, vodka sauce, bread. And all of it - every last bite, including the actual receptacle in which it arrived - is edible.

Bring Us All Your Carbs

It's just, we don't actually love it.

To Be Honest, We're Not Even Sure We Like It

In the defense of DiAnoia's Eatery, Vodka and her college roommates, Diet Coke and Whiskey Sour, arrived at the restaurant none too hungry, after many happy hours in the lobby of the Omni William Penn. As we played a tournament's worth of rummy games, we consumed not only the world's most gigantic (and delicious) soft pretzel, but also a heaping platter of cheese curds.

A Reasonable Appetizer

Now, NOT in DiAnoia Eatery's defense, we felt compelled to engorge ourselves so excessively because we couldn't get a reservation with them until 9:00pm.

Which Is Approximately Four Hours Past Our Desired Dinner Time

All to say, when we finally stumble into the place, we are not exactly ravenous, but we are still quite eager to try the gnocchi bread bowl, as featured by Courtney Rada on the UPPER CRUST episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. 

Hey, DiAnoia's, How About Throwing in a Bottle While We Wait for Our Midnight Reservation?

Along with the featured bowl, we order the house salad, three meatballs, the al limone pasta, and for dessert, the zeppole.

So Obviously, We Weren't THAT Full

The first thing to note about the bread bowl is it is enormous. Nine-ish inches in diameter, it is filled to the top (and spilling over) with gigantic gnocchi and a heaping of vodka sauce. The gnocchi themselves are well-cooked - not mushy at all, which is a fate that tends to befall this variety of pasta. 

Vodka Generally Prefers a Long Pasta, Though She Did Not Enjoy DiAnoia's Al Limone

The sauce, too, is good, if nothing hugely memorable. But the dish itself just never quite comes across as anything more than a big gimmick.

What Utensil Would YOU Use to Conquer This Item?

While the idea of having bread itself as the vehicle for a pasta dish seems ingenious, because one is unable to actually taste the bread before a solid portion of the pasta is gone, it renders the whole thing a bit useless. Additionally, the bread itself is rather lacking in flavor, like the world's most bland pizza crust.

A Rave Review, This Decidedly Is Not

After we only manage to polish off about a quarter of the contents, we heave the rest of the bread bowl into a plastic to-go container and share it the following day, straight out of our hotel refrigerator. Even with the benefit of having hardened into a more consumable form, the dish just doesn't taste like much, and Whiskey Sour winds up courting the remaining third back home with her.

And If You're STILL Not Good After Congealing for a Day, Is There Really Any Hope?

From the rest of the meal, the donut dessert is a highlight, though frankly, nothing presented at DiAnoia's Eatery comes close to the perfection that was our giant pretzel. 

Might These Also Come with a Side of Yellow Mustard?

And this only proves that, in PIitsburgh and beyond, sometimes gimmick dishes work out for the best, but more often then not, without any substance behind them, they'll simply never make you a star.

DiAnoia's Eatery's Gnocchi Bread Bowl: 3 stars