Monday, October 24, 2011

Here's To the Ladies Who Brunch

Blueberry Blintzes -- B&H Dairy
B&H Dairy

"I have no concept of time," Ginger says, breezing into B&H Dairy five minutes late.  This five minutes would not be remotely notable, except B&H Dairy is not so much a hop, skip, and jump away from Ginger's residence as it is just a hop.  In contrast, it is located a solid four miles from Vodka's abode, from where she had decided to walk so as to combat some of the imminent brunch calories, and has, of course, arrived with time to spare.
We're On the Walk-Four-Miles-Then-Eat-A-Blintz Diet
We are here to consume Duff Goldman's chosen AS GOOD AS MOM'S dish from Best Thing I Ever Ate, the blueberry blintzes.  Neither of us quite know our way around a blintz, but we like anything that comes with a side of sour cream, so we are not too concerned.
Gotta Love a Condiment
As we wait to place our order, we grow increasingly intrigued by the classy B&H Dairy structure and decor.
They Take Their Window Signage Seriously In These Parts
To call this place a diner would be generous; it is more akin to a storage closet with a smattering of bar stools and tea party-sized tables.  However, when Ginger spots fresh ginger being chopped up in the corner window, she feels instantly at home.
There's No Place Like Home, There's No Place Like Home
We are seated, naturally, along the bar, yet for once in our lives, there is nary a cocktail in sight.  Ginger is growing increasingly distracted by our blintz-specific mission by the tempting sight of the cake placed in front of her stool, and she can be heard murmuring to herself "I want that whole cake" throughout our meal.
The Object of Ginger's Desire
Meanwhile, Vodka has acquired a strange craving for mashed potatoes, which we eventually blame on the notice pasted at the back of the counter concerning their recent availability.
We Now Serve Mashed Potatoes: The Most Pertinent News Bulletin of the Day
Eventually, we place our order for blueberry and cheese blintzes, at which time Vodka launches into another one of her Shady Pines Nursing Home-like tales of her social life with "When I was at the Elaine Stritch concert last night -- "

Ginger cuts her off.  "What kind of people go to an Elaine Stritch concert?"

"A very distinct microcosm of New York," Vodka answers.

"I'm assuming that means an 80-year-old microcosm."  Touche, Ginger.  Before Vodka can continue her story of the inimitable elderly diva (who just happens to be the source of Vodka's pseudonym - "another Vodka Stinger," indeed), our blintzes arrive.
Blintz Blitz
At first, we have trouble discerning which plate is the cheese and which is the blueberry, until Ginger, with the pride of a preschooler recognizing their colors for the first time, announces, "This one is blue."
Mister Rogers Would Be So Proud
We each take one of the blintzes onto our plates and saw through the center (when Vodka rearranges Ginger's handy-work for picture-taking purposes, she apologizes, "Sorry, I just handled your blintz").  The blueberry blintz begins oozing immediately, the Grover-blue sauce pouring out of the stiff brown shell.  Biting in, we are somewhat satisfied: the blueberry sauce is plentiful and sweet, and with enough dollops of sour cream, we can almost counteract the blandness of the dough itself (which seems fried within an inch of its life).
The Day the Blue Goo Attacked Brunch
As we continue, however, we grow increasingly underwhelmed.  The blueberry filling tastes fake and processed, like the alleged blueberries that rest inside of the sauce are actually balls of tapioca, and all the sour cream in the world isn't enough to completely mask the bleak nature of the spring roll-like wrapping.

Moving onto the cheese blintzes, we don't find much of an improvement.  Stuffed with ricotta cheese, they are much too sweet for our tastes, as we had naively expected something more quesadilla-like in nature.
Not So Much a "Dollop" of Sour Cream as a "Mound"
Half of our blintzes remain on our plates as we pack up to leave, and in a bit of Spanglish confusion, our server charges Ginger for our full order of blintzes and then Vodka for half.  Being forced to resettle the bill ourselves, we decide that the blintzes at B&H Dairy are barely worth their $7.50 price tag.

But the "Lazania" that they advertise outside?  That could be priceless.
You Spell Lazania, We Spell Lasagna, Let's Call the Whole Thing Off
B&H Dairy's Blueberry Blintzes: 2 stars

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