Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Off the Map: No One Cares About Your Blog

Bacon Apple Maple Donuts -- Dynamo Donut and Coffee, San Francisco, CA
Dynamo Donut and Coffee

As we stand on the sidewalk outside of Tartine Bakery, Vodka transcribing Ginger's "stellar" culinary feedback, she turns to find Ginger standing with her cell phone posed to her ear.
Two Days in San Francisco and We're Apparently Sick of Each Other's Company
"Hi, I was calling to see if you have maple bacon donuts today?" Ginger chirps by way of answer.

"Oh, this should be good...," Vodka whispers, flashbacks of Ginger's epic "Do you have cinnamon buns?" call flashing through her head.

"Weekdays?" Ginger asks the phone, panic spreading across her face, being that today is Saturday.  "Oh, so today, too?"

By this point, Vodka is laughing audibly at whatever is going on in this conversation.

"Yes, we'll take one," Ginger wraps up the call.  "Oh, well, okay thanks."  She hangs up the phone.  "Well, THAT was awkward."

"Were they foreign?!" Vodka asks, trying to discern what kind of accent could have possibly caused Ginger to have so much trouble comprehending what they were saying.

"No," Ginger admits.  "She must have said that they have the maple bacon donuts every day, but I heard 'weekdays.'  So she repeated that it was every day, and like a dolt, I said, 'So today, too?'  This woman is totally going to know it's me when we arrive."
It's Never Good to Establish a Reputation for Yourself BEFORE You Arrive at the Restaurant
We trudge up a particularly steep hill, and thus lapse into silence, but Ginger continues her phone tale of woe when we reach the top.  "She also asked if I wanted her to hold the donuts for me.  So I said, 'Yes, just one.'  And she was like, 'Oh... well, we'll definitely have one.'  I can't really describe the level of awkwardness." 
She Essentially Just Asked Dunkin Donuts to Hold One Munchkin
Luckily for Ginger, when we reach Dynamo, after skedaddling through what can be described as an "interesting" section of the Mission District (ahem), there are at least 25 workers behind the counter, and a multitude of people ordering maple apple bacon donuts.

Saved in this round, Ginger.
Anonymity Is Always Our Friend
We order our donut from the counter outside -- just the one, despite the plethora of donuts to choose from.  
"If You Peruse Our Menu -- " "Yeah, We Don't Need It. We Called Ahead"
Chris Cosentino had spoken of this donut on the WITH BACON episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, and we are vaguely optimistic about it due to the whole salty/sweet component.  We carry our donut to the inside seating area and prepare to take a bite.

Only be distracted by what can only be described as the "self-proclaimed foodies" next to us.
They're Just Like Us! Only We Hate Them Instantly
This group is making a gigantic project out of photographing, and then tasting, their assortment of donuts, making references to their food blog all along the way.  The difference between these people, and us, is that they clearly think they are doing work on behalf of the James Beard Foundation and are taking themselves ENTIRELY too seriously.  
"I Detect the Faintest Hint of Smoke in the Back Ends of My Taste Buds..." "SHUT UP!"
As if for spite, we each take repeated munches of our donut without so much as a single phrase leaving our lips, just to prove that we don't have pretentious debates about the merits of a DONUT.
Just Eat It Already. You're Not Ruth Reichl
In truth, this donut is softer than we had imagined it would be -- somewhere between a cake texture and a lighter yeast.  The surface is glazed by a maple topping, with small sprinkles of bacon scattering the edges.  The donut essentially tastes like a piece of bacon dredged in maple syrup ("It tastes like breakfast"), and while we get almost no hint of the apple flavoring, it is quite good.  It is certainly better than the PBJ donut we were forced to consume at Doughnut Plant years ago, though we believe it could stand for just a tad more salt/bacon to even out the combination.
See? That Is How You Describe a Donut Without Pretending It's Foie Gras
When we leave Dynamo to head to our third, and not even final, dessert of the day, Ginger's hostility toward the "foodies" next door explodes.
We Should Have Slipped Them One of These Just to Hear Their Commentary
"Why do people take themselves so seriously?" she begins.  "No one cares about your blog!  At least we know no one cares about ours."
Most. Stellar. Greeting. Card. Ever.
Indeed, you can call us many things, but donut snobs?  That is one moniker that will never fit our description.

Dynamo Donut and Coffee's Bacon Apple Maple Donuts: 4 stars

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