Tea-Smoked Oysters -- DesnudaDesnuda
If given a personality test, we would all but guarantee that neither of us fall on the "perpetual optimist" side of the spectrum. However, this characteristic is blown to pieces when it comes to one fateful ingredient: oysters.
|Oh, Come On, Food Network -- Not THESE Pesky Buggers Again|
Now, we KNOW we don't like oysters. We have proven this theory time and time again, and yet, every time -- EVERY SINGLE TIME -- that we are forced to consume them for Best Thing I Ever Ate purposes, we assume it will be different. THIS TIME, the oyster will win us over. THIS TIME, we won't make a face like we swallowed sour milk the second the slimy little creatures hit our tongue.
And every time -- EVERY SINGLE TIME -- we are proven wrong.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we are pessimists.
|Wine Is Just About the Only Thing We Can Count On In This World|
When it comes to Desnuda's tea-smoked oysters, the dish pretty much has only one factor working in its favor: it was chosen by Claire Robinson on the SMOKY episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, and generally, we like Claire's taste.
Tastes, we do not enjoy, however, are OYSTERS and SMOKE. So Desnuda is still pretty much working at a deficit.
|Yes, We'll Take One Order of Your Smoked Oysters. Hold the Smoke and the Oysters|
To say that Desnuda is an "intimate" restaurant is an understatement -- in truth, we can barely squeeze ourselves past the other patrons at the bar in order to reach our own stools.
|Desnuda Aims to Make Their Patrons Feel Portly|
The whole place consists of about fifteen seats, all along the narrowest bar ever, and gives us a prime view of such scenic imagery as the dishwasher.
|What Desnuda Calls a "Window View"|
|Go Ahead. Find the Name of the Restaurant. We Dare You|
|Very Customer-Friendly Signage -- NOT|
|You Call Yourself a "Wine Bar" and You Don't Serve Bread?!|
|So All, At Least, Is Not Lost|
|We Do Love a Sanitary Bar Snack|
|Thank You For Not Covering the Popcorn With Cigarette Ash|
|Just Fill These With Rolls and We'll Call Them "Smoked Oysters"|
|Pretty Much the Story of Our Lives|
|Everyone Knows This Isn't Going to End Well, Right?|
|Gag Reflexes R Us|
|Vodka and Ginger and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Oysters|
"More like negative 5," Ginger answers. Clearly, we need to come up with a new rating system when it comes to oysters, as 1 star does not seem sufficient enough to prove how much we hate the things.
|Hey Desnuda -- Your Gimmick Stinks|
Giving ourselves GREAT kudos for downing all four of the oysters, like the great martyrs that we are, we shake our heads in disdain, feeling that Claire Robinson has forsaken us.
|We TRUSTED You, Claire, and THIS Is the Thanks We Get|
Indeed, we are flummoxed as to why Desnuda's bar stools are packed, being that there is barely anything to eat in this place. As if to hammer home our point, Ginger raises her finger at one of the multi-functional workers and asks for more popcorn, a last-ditch attempt to rid the taste of fire and ocean from our mouths.
|A Gallon of Movie Theatre Butter Would Be Appreciated Right Now|
"I like how I just asked for more popcorn after we loudly criticized their food," Ginger says, sticking a gigantic handful of the stuff into her mouth.
"Whatever. We ate it. We're gonna pay for it. The rest is their problem," Vodka says, casting a glance at the display of chopsticks on the bar. "You know, I feel like if I ate ONLY with chopsticks, I could be skinnier. It would take me so much more time."
|We Should Write a Diet Book About This Concept. It Would Be One Page: "Use Chopsticks"|
Of course, the same could be true if we ate at places like Desnuda every day, which would be the fastest way to starve us known to man. Instead, we march out of Desnuda and straight down East 7th Street to an Italian restaurant, where we proceed to down bread, cheese, and pasta by the forkful.
|So Just to Confirm, We Have Already Forsaken Our Chopstick Policy|
And just for spite, we blow out the candle on our table, as we have already had more than enough smoke for one evening.