Friday, December 2, 2016

Off the Map: If This Were a Real New York System, It Would Be Called a HOT DOG

Hot Wieners -- Olneyville New York System, Providence, RI
Olneyville NY System

After a completely humdrum experience at Al Forno, Vodka and her friend, Mezcal, are ready for one thing and one thing only: a hot dog. 
Now You're Speaking Our Language
Luckily, the only other dish featured on Providence's Best Thing I Ever Ate list is the hot wieners from Olneyville New York System, which were recommended by Guy Fieri on the REGIONAL FAVORITES episode.
New York, Phone Home
Yes, That's Right, Providence. We're Just Here to Eat
Thankfully, the establishment is our preferred level of "nearly empty" when our (blessedly more competent Uber driver) drops us off, and we mosey onto two stools as Vodka asks for "two hot dogs all the way," you know, just like the locals do.

Grave mistake.
Miss Congeniality, This Place Is Not
"First time here?" a worker asks. "Cause they're wieners."

"Well, I was close," Vodka retorts.

"Not really," the guy informs her.
Listen, Buddy -- Perhaps You Should Hang Onto the Customers You've Got
Despite Vodka's error, he still deigns to place a "wiener" in front of each of us, piled up with chili, onions, mustard, and celery salt. 
Kudos for the Split Plates
He also provides us each with a pour of their famous "coffee milk" to wash down the wiener. And less than two minutes later, both our plates and our glasses are empty.
Is This Coffee Milk Caffeinated? Because We Have to Go to Sleep in Like Ten Minutes
The hot dogs (which despite being corrected, we insist on calling them) are indeed quite good. Not one of our personal favorites, but good all the same. 
Polished Off in Thirty Seconds or Less
Though the coffee milk, which is essentially the coffee version of chocolate milk, is arguably more interesting than the dogs themselves.
Plus, They Inexplicably Gave Us a Bumper Sticker. Perhaps We Can Give It to Our Uber Driver
When we leave the premises, we pose for a selfie underneath a sign proclaiming "EAT," which is pretty much our whole reason for coming to Providence in the first place. It is at this point that a random person parked on the street steps out of his car to offer to take the picture for us, an act of goodwill so generous that we momentarily consider upping the hot wieners' rating to 5 stars.
"Momentarily" Being the Key Word
But then again, that is a privilege reserved only for hot dogs.

Olneyville New York System's Hot Wieners: 4 stars

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