If there is one surefire way to annoy Vodka and any of her compatriots before we even sit down to eat in your establishment, it is to give us a "late night" dinner reservation.
And then not even seat us on time.
|We Are Essentially Sophia Petrillo. We Like an Early Bird Special|
9:15! That's a solid hour past when we're even comfortable being outside!
|We Only Like to Venture Out During Daylight Hours|
And to wait... and to WAIT.
And predictably, Vodka is becoming furious.
|#1 Thing Vodka Hates to Do? WAIT|
"The table where we're going to seat you has paid, but they're lingering," another hostess approaches a few minutes later.
"Can we go harass them?" Vodka asks.
"I mean, I can't encourage that, but I won't stop you...," the hostess replies, which would be a challenge Vodka would be prepared to meet had the hostess actually showed us which table was the one in flux, and not just skedaddled away at warp speed.
|Hey Fig, It's Time to Start Comping Some Drinks Around Here|
|SHAPE UP AND PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER|
|Goodbye Southern Charm. You Were Nice While We Knew Ya'll|
|Time to Start Drinking. Heavily|
What is WRONG with this place?
Refusing to wait for the second time in less than a half hour, Vodka stomps back to our table to complain about the bathroom situation to Diet Coke, who confirms that individual stalls are the bane of restaurants' existence due to the primping factor that goes on at the sink. Poor showing, Fig.
|We Don't Even Have Food Yet and We Already Dislike You|
And when it arrives, there are only eight gnocchi.
Seriously, Fig? Now you're messing with our pasta portions?
|Go Ahead -- Count Them. ONE IS MISSING|
|Okay, Fine, Fig -- This Is Better Than We Thought You Were Capable Of|
|But You Still Cheated Us Out of a Gnocchi!|
Um, could you spare some more carbs, Fig?
|Is There Some Kind of Flour Shortage in Charleston?|
|Beef. The WRONG Beef, But Beef Nonetheless|
|This Restaurant Should Be Renamed "Customer Hostility R Us"|
|A Cauldron of Fish Products|
|Naturally, Diet Coke Refused to Use the Provided Mayonnaise|
|Once Again, The Bread "Portion" Is Incredibly Lacking|
|When the Side Salad Is the Most Appealing Part of a Plate, Something Is Wrong|
"Who picked this place?" Diet Coke asks.
"Alex Guarnaschelli," Vodka answers. "The same one who picked that caramel apple."
"She must have been drunk while in Charleston," Diet Coke surmises. "Or so overtaken by the humidity that she wasn't thinking straight."
|Also, Next Time She Should Specify That The Best Thing I Ever Ate Dish Has to STAY ON THE MENU|
|Fire Up Your Cannons, Fig -- We're Going to War|
Fig's Hanger Steak with Agrodolce Sauce: 3 stars