The number of times Vodka has said some variation of "We just want the snails" in regards to Charleston restaurant's menu is more than anyone should say in a lifetime.
|No, But Really, Guys -- WE'RE JUST HERE FOR THE SNAILS|
|Ways to Get Yourself Pegged As a Weirdo: Only Talk About Snails|
|In the Meantime, If You'll Excuse Us, We Need to Start Photographing Bread Sticks|
|It Is Hard to Out-Rank 'Cocktails' on Our List of Importance, But the Snails Have Done It|
|This Happenstance, Needless to Say, Makes Vodka Guffaw with Laughter|
"Do you want them here or at your table?" the bartender asks, clearly not understanding that "We would like to order the snails" is not just our way of making conversation.
|Listen, Buddy, I Don't Know What You Talk About in Baltimore, but 'Snails' Is Not a Topic of Small Talk in NYC|
"And I think you're supposed to say, 'I'd like to order the escargot,'" Bloody Mary, suddenly the expert on etiquette, continues.
"The menu blatantly says 'snails,'" Vodka defends her vocabulary. Indeed, Charleston describes Duff Goldman's Best Thing I Ever Ate APPETIZER as "Burgundy Snails with butter-poached garlic and bacon puff pastry tart."
Eventually, after our frenemy, the bartender, takes away Bloody Mary's cocktail EVEN BEFORE SHE FINISHES IT (unacceptable, mister), the snails arrive. The first thing we notice is that the dish used to hold the snail-filled puff pastry is extremely inconvenient for eating. Square-shaped with raised corners, we have to hold our forks at excessively bizarre angles in order to cut and then spoon the concoction into our mouths.
(In Nerd Alert news, Bloody Mary actually describes this problem as "Ergonomically, it's a poor dish choice").
|Though This Is the Same Girl Who Would Use the Word 'Fat' to Describe This Pastry|
By this point, we are finally starting to feel full, so the snails are feeling less appealing than they might have otherwise (though considering they're still snails, we're not convinced of this fact). In any case, we are certain that we have successfully branded ourselves as the Great Snail-Obsessed Weirdos of Baltimore in the city's most esteemed restaurant, and for that, we can't help but feel a bit of proud pretension.
Charleston's Burgundy Snails: 4 stars