"Do
you need us to validate your parking?" This appears to be the most
common question posed in Los Angeles, which becomes all the more
humiliating every time we are forced to answer, "No, we walked here."
While Crustacean is barely a quarter mile from our hotel, we soon
discover getting there on our own is no easy feat, as we have to
constantly hunt down a crosswalk as if we're on an archaeological dig.
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| The Land Where Every Car Wishes to Kill Us |
"Walkin'
in LA, walkin' in LA," Vodka repeats, pumping her arms like a shopping
mall speed-walker as we cross our third multi-lane highway of the
night. Managing to make it to Crustacean unscathed, we position
ourselves on two bar stools and prepare to order Duff Goldman's Best
Thing I Ever Ate FILLED WITH ENVY dish, the garlic noodles, plus, of
course, some all-important cocktails.
 |
| Our Favorite Travel Buddies |
Discovering that
we are still in the ideal happy hour window (thank you, LA, for
agreeing with us that happy hour should essentially last all day),
Ginger orders a gin concoction, and Vodka, a glass of cabernet. From our
perches at the corner of the bar, we gaze around the restaurant, noting the long trail of an oversized fish tank weaving underneath the floor, assorted giant
fish swimming within it.
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| Nemo? Is That You? |
"Well, that just seems
awkward in a seafood restaurant," Vodka notes, though no one, including
the fish, seem particularly offended by the project.
 |
| Crustacean's Version of the Yellow Brick Road |
As we sip (some
would say "chug") our drinks, we realize one reason why, even if the
food isn't something to write home about, we have generally enjoyed our
experiences at LA restaurants: space. With so much room to spread out,
the establishments almost never have their patrons sitting on top of one
another, and even the bar stools we're currently perched on are roomy
and spread out.
 |
| And With No One Around Us to Watch, We Can Take Ridiculous Pictures and Not Be Judged |
Luckily for us, it turns out that
Crustacean actually is a place to write home about, as it only takes one
bite of their famous garlic noodles to discover that we have, finally,
found a true 5-star Best Thing I Ever Ate dish in LA.
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| Only Took Us Seven Dishes, But Hey, Still Found One |
Since the noodles
are also on the happy hour menu, they arrive in a slightly smaller
portion, and when a couple fall over the edge of the plate and tickle the bar, Vodka
calls out, "Oh no, save our comrades!" Indeed, losing a single bite of
this dish would be a tragedy, as these are some of the most perfect
noodles we have ever tasted.
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| And That's Saying A Lot, Considering Pasta and Wine Are Pretty Much Our Main Food Groups |
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| Please Note the Precariousness of the Dangling Noodle |
Wrapped around our chopsticks in
increasingly-large mounds, they are essentially lo mein-type
noodles covered in an invisible sheen of Crustacean's secret garlic
sauce. Besides garlic, we're not exactly sure what we taste, but we do
know it's pleasing enough to order a second plate.
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| Barkeep, Bring Us Another Round |
And
despite our attempts to soak up our cocktails with double plates of
noodles, by the time we're ready to leave Crustacean, we are growing
increasingly close to being one too many sheets to the wind. As Ginger
attempts, for at least the seventh time today, to apply her new
lipstick, and subsequently places it everywhere except on her actual
lips, Vodka tells her, without any sense of irony, "I think your
lipstick is too advanced for you," as if said lipstick was an AP
Calculus course and not just a few too many shades of pink.
 |
| Ginger's Results Essentially Look Like She Put the Lipstick on During an Earthquake |
"Just
wait until La Scala gets a hold of us," Ginger says, regarding our next
Best Thing I Ever Ate location. And as we trudge out of the restaurant
over the floor of trapped fish, how little we know just how prolific
that statement would come to be....
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