Off the Map: Who Would Think a Cocktail Would Bring Cleveland Down?

India Lime Fizz -- Velvet Tango Room, Cleveland, OH

Velvet Tango Room

Here's the problem with the Velvet Tango Room: it does not belong in Cleveland.

Otherwise Known As Our New Favorite City

If there is anything Vodka and Mezcal have learned in their culinary tour through the town's best and brightest, it's that Cleveland is welcoming, unpretentious, and most of all, delicious.

Let Ohio Freedom Ring

The Velvet Tango Room is none of these things. In fact, its speakeasy-type vibe (which doesn't work since they have what we assume they think is a "subtle" neon sign illuminating the windows' closed blinds) feels completely out of place on this street a mere stone's throw from Westside Market. 

The Closed Blinds Only Do So Much To "Conceal" You

Were the Velvet Tango Room jammed behind a mystery taco stand on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, fine, but its ambiance has no place in Cleveland.

No White Zin?? Who Do You Think You Are?!

Particularly because the drinks just aren't all that good, and its service is even worse.

The Bar Where No One Knows Your Name and Certainly Isn't Glad You Came

While she would much prefer a Manhattan, Vodka sucks it up to order the India lime fizz, as chosen by Michael Symon on the BEST I EVER DRANK episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. Now, Michael has not steered us wrong thus far, but Vodka isn't feeling too optimistic about the sounds of this beverage, particularly due to the "fizz" component, as she usually refuses to drink carbonation in any capacity. 

We'll Spare You the Details of the Reasons Behind Vodka's Newfound Hatred of Bubbles

After an extensive perusal of the endless cocktail options, Mezcal settles on the Rouge Awakening, though when Vodka asks what kind of liquor the drink features, she is unable to recall the description she read seconds earlier.

To Be Fair, This Menu Is Roughly the Length of War and Peace

The bartender, who would make a storybook villain appear mannerly, begins crafting our drinks without so much as a nod, let alone any eye contact or, heaven forbid, a smile. He places Vodka's components into a mechanic shaker, as the India lime fizz apparently requires roughly 14 hours of methodical jerking to come together.

Hard to Claim "Hand-Crafted Cocktails" When You're Letting a Machine Do All the Labor

"I don't have this kind of time," Vodka murmurs, while Mezcal points out that North by Northwest is playing on the TV in the bar's corner. 

Just In Case We Didn't Already Think This Place Was Pretentious

"Otherwise known as the Kim Kardashian story," Vodka quips with entirely too much pride at her fringe-millennial pop culture knowledge. This remark causes Mezcal to perform a solid eye roll as, blessedly, our cocktails are handed over, again without so much as an apathetic "Cheers!"

Not To Worry -- We'll Toast Ourselves

The India lime fizz is... well, it tastes like a milkshake. And not even a boozy milkshake, but a milkshake that is missing ice cream, sugar, and milk. 

So Essentially Just a "Shake"

It's not that it's terrible -- it's just nothing Vodka would ever order, and honestly, even if it were, it's simply not that stellar. Indeed, with the seemingly hundreds of cocktail options Michael Symon had to choose from, we're a tad flummoxed why he would ever settle on this completely mediocre product. 

We've Had Frozen Margaritas Better Than This, SO THERE

With barely half of her drink polished off, Vodka decides she can't waste her happy hour on a cocktail she doesn't want, and she orders her mainstay of a Manhattan with Bulleit bourbon. "I'm going to keep this one," she explains to the bartender in a rush, pointing to the India lime fizz, "but I think it will be better as a dessert drink so I want a Manhattan now."

That's More Like It

This preemptive attempt to make him feel better about the fact that, in truth, Vodka actually hates his drink is met with utter silence.

In Sum, This Guy Is the Worst

"No problem!" Vodka answers herself as he walks away, filling in the blanks for the curmudgeon of the Velvet Tango Room. In fact, all of the bartenders at this establishment are crabby at best and downright hostile at worst -- where do they think they are, New Jersey?

As a New Jersey Native, Vodka Can Say Such Things

Vodka's substitute Manhattan turns out to be completely standard, though it does have the uplifting distinction of making the India lime fizz taste marginally more palatable as the evening wears on. 

Even at the Bitter End, We Couldn't Polish It Off

However, compared to the level of Cleveland majesty we have encountered with our previous five dining adventures, the Velvet Tango Room just doesn't live up to its own hype. After a bevy of French fries, gravy, cheese, dough, meat, sausage, potato, and cider, how is it possible that a COCKTAIL is the thing to bring Cleveland's streak to an end?

Do You Realize How Much We LOVE COCKTAILS?!

Well, when the bartender's attitude is as sour as his lime fizz, the answer to this query is not hard to come by.

Velvet Tango Room's India Lime Fizz: 3 stars

Off the Map: Cleveland, This Is Getting Ridiculous

Beef Gyro -- Steve's Gyros, Cleveland, OH

Steve's Gyros

Four meals into Vodka and Mezcal's journey to Cleveland, and we've yet to find a single clunker of a dish. Of course, all of the food chosen thus far has been picked by Michael Symon, who presumably knows the best and brightest culinary spots of his hometown. So maybe Anne Burrell and her ROAD TRIP Best Thing I Ever Ate choice will end the streak.

No Pressure, Anne

Yeah, maybe not.

Cleveland Has a Thing for Aluminum Foil, We See

Even in a sea of non-flashy stands located within the Westside Market, Steve's Gyros stands out for being as bare-bones as possible. 

Especially Because It Took Us a Full Circle of the Building to Locate It

A tub of lettuce, a vat of sauce, some spools of meat, and a few signs proclaiming such charming messages as "We don't cut gyros because we said so" and "the size of your gyro is based on the side of your attitude" are all that decorate their stark interior, and the service is similarly on the curt side.

Thanks For the Warm Welcome

As the first non-cordial people we have encountered in Cleveland, part of us really wants to dislike their creations merely as payback for their general grouchiness, but then, of course, we taste the thing.

Now You See It

Now You Don't

And oh boy, is this gyro delicious.

Who Expected Such Greatness from a Stand Who Seems to Only Offer Soft Drinks?

As we consume the pita-wrapped meat in a manner inconsistent with two girls who have already eaten three meals today, we are speechless with wonder: How can this seemingly simple sandwich be so unmistakably good? 

Cleveland, You're Starting to Give Us a Complex About Our Own City

The meat itself is unbelievably flavorful, the pita is warm and chewy, the sauce is downright delectable, and, being that we haven't seen a vegetable in a while, we're more than grateful for the lettuce and tomato. 

Thank Goodness for Small Fibrous Favors

Fearing that maybe Cleveland's food scene has skewed our judgment and we were doling out too many high ratings, we decide the gyro rates at 4 stars -- a solid 4 stars, but 4 stars nonetheless.

We Figure They Should Lose a Star for Their Charming Moods

Cut to that evening, lounging in our hotel room, and deciding that, despite the number of calories consumed in the past 24 hours, if we could have one of Cleveland's specialties delivered to us right at that moment, it would decisively be the gyro. 

Before We Die, We'd Like Another of Steve's Gyros

And therefore, Steve's gets bumped up to 5 star status: an ideal Cleveland sandwich wrapped up with a helping of New York attitude.  

Steve's Gyros's Beef Gyro: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate

Off the Map: Honey, Of Course We Have Polish Boys

Polish Boy -- Seti's Polish Boys, Cleveland, OH

Seti's Polish Boys

Many moons ago, when Vodka and Ginger were mere children (relatively) traipsing through the streets of Chicago, Ginger made an infamous call to Ann Sather to ask if they had cinnamon rolls -- a question that is essentially synonymous with calling your local McDonald's and asking if any Big Macs are available.

The Ohio Equivalent of the Quarter Pounder

Here in Cleveland, Vodka makes an equally dopey phone call to Seti's Polish Boys to inquire whether or not they are parked at their usual location on Lorain Street -- a location, it appears based on the tone of the proprietor, where they are ALWAYS parked. 

Oh, THERE You Are. Almost Lost You for a Second

When Vodka and Mezcal appear at their window minutes later, the small smirks on the workers' faces disclose that they have attributed us to the dolts who made the phone call. 

Feel Free to Judge Us, Seti's. We Would

Forging ahead, Vodka orders one Polish Boy sandwich, as chosen by Michael Symon and the BETWEEN BREAD episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate.

This Looks Like Our Kind of Place

Just In Case We Feared We Were at the Wrong Truck

When it is handed over, it is scalding hot, emitting a heat so ferocious that it is more reminiscent of a sandwich from the depths of a volcano than from the mild-mannered cooking surfaces of a food truck. 

Does Anyone Have a Fan?

Inside its tightly wrapped foil package, we find an obscenely large sausage sandwich, stacked to capacity with slaw, French fries, and barbecue sauce. Once we allow it to cool down enough to not burn the roofs of our mouths (this takes roughly twenty minutes), we find the sandwich to be almost disturbingly delicious. 

Who Needs a Pesky Thing Like a Side Dish Anyway?

While in theory, smothering our kielbasi with fries and BBQ sauce would not be our idea of a good time, the output is more than we could have hoped for, with each of the sandwich's elements perfectly complementing the others. The sausage has an ideal snap, the slaw a crispness, the French fries salt, and the sauce sweet, all while the roll molds perfectly around the conglomeration. 

There's Slaw Under There, We Promise

Indeed, while the sandwich is still quite messy, it's not nearly as bad as it could be, especially considering we're eating it on a random bench and it's roughly the temperature of Mount Saint Helen's, meaning we keep dropping it.

Sometimes Directly Onto Vodka's Boots

By the time we polish the whole thing off, Mezcal has deemed it even better than the biscuits and gravy from Lucky's Cafe, if only because it seems much more of a Cleveland-type dish than a Southern-like creation. 

SOS Napkins! SOS

As we walk away, the food truckers lean out their window to ask how we enjoyed our first Polish Boy experience, which we answer with various amounts of positive affirmations. 

Also Ten Points for a Menu Featuring Pictures

After all, anytime you can get Vodka to enjoy something that leads to sticky fingers, stained jeans, and a splotch of BBQ sauce on her boot, you know you have a winner, one which she would gladly eat again.

"Now Where Are You Parked?"

And truth be told, she would still call first.

Seti's Polish Boys's Polish Boy: 4 stars

Off the Map: No Pierogi Left Behind

Piergies -- Sokolowski's University Inn, Cleveland, OH

Sokolowski's University Inn

The thing is, it's not like Vodka doesn't know her way around a pierogi. 

Need This

With 50% of her genes hailing from Poland, she's had enough of the dumplings to last some people a lifetime, and she is therefore skeptical of any pierogies that people claim to be the "best."

You've Got A Lot to Live Up To

But Sokolowski's University Inn's pierogies? They may just be the best.

Heaven on a Butter-Drenched Plate

Cleveland's prodigal son, Michael Symon, chose Sokolowski's brand of dough-enclosed potato on the REGIONAL FAVORITES episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, and the line encircling the restaurant's bar area when we arrive at 11:30am on a Friday proves just how seriously Clevelanders take their Polish cuisine. 

Sampling of the Must-Have Merchandise Available for Purchase

With a smattering of kielbasi-based product for sale as you approach the cafeteria-style kitchen area, we note that, for reasons that remain unknown, an order of 6 pierogies cost $9.50... while 12 cost $9.95. 

Look, Math Was Never Our Strong Suit Either, But...

Letting our pocketbooks win out over our stomach capacity, we go for the full dozen, which are doled out in a swimming pool's worth of butter and coated with finely diced cooked onions. 

The Reason Behind Ohio's Butter Shortage

Tiny cups of sour cream, not remotely on par with the size of the pierogies themselves, can be picked up at the cash register, where we also opt for a "large glass of Ohio apple cider" (which is roughly the size of our heads -- as Mezcal quips, "they make things big here"). 

Everything Except Sour Cream Containers, That Is

We carry our tray over to a communal table sitting beside an (unlit) fireplace, and dive in expectantly.

Taking in the Sights

We Love Any Place Where One Is Not Encouraged to Discard of Her Own Trash

And, like everything in Cleveland thus far, the pierogies are everything Michael Symon had promised. 

Cleveland Is a Magical Land, Indeed

Perfectly cooked potatoes are enshrined by the most idyllic dough you could ever ask for, and despite our initial fears about the stinginess of the sour cream portion, we find that, despite our usual love of the condiment, the pierogies stand on their own.

Further Evidence of This? We Didn't Even Hit Up the Bar!

At this point, an undying obsession with Cleveland is beginning to take hold. Because after all, any town that values piergies even half as much as Vodka does is most certainly worth its weight in butter alone.

Thanks for the Tip, Friend

Sokolowski's University Inn's Piergies: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate