Off the Map: Who Would Think a Cocktail Would Bring Cleveland Down?

India Lime Fizz -- Velvet Tango Room, Cleveland, OH

Velvet Tango Room

Here's the problem with the Velvet Tango Room: it does not belong in Cleveland.

Otherwise Known As Our New Favorite City

If there is anything Vodka and Mezcal have learned in their culinary tour through the town's best and brightest, it's that Cleveland is welcoming, unpretentious, and most of all, delicious.

Let Ohio Freedom Ring

The Velvet Tango Room is none of these things. In fact, its speakeasy-type vibe (which doesn't work since they have what we assume they think is a "subtle" neon sign illuminating the windows' closed blinds) feels completely out of place on this street a mere stone's throw from Westside Market. 

The Closed Blinds Only Do So Much To "Conceal" You

Were the Velvet Tango Room jammed behind a mystery taco stand on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, fine, but its ambiance has no place in Cleveland.

No White Zin?? Who Do You Think You Are?!

Particularly because the drinks just aren't all that good, and its service is even worse.

The Bar Where No One Knows Your Name and Certainly Isn't Glad You Came

While she would much prefer a Manhattan, Vodka sucks it up to order the India lime fizz, as chosen by Michael Symon on the BEST I EVER DRANK episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. Now, Michael has not steered us wrong thus far, but Vodka isn't feeling too optimistic about the sounds of this beverage, particularly due to the "fizz" component, as she usually refuses to drink carbonation in any capacity. 

We'll Spare You the Details of the Reasons Behind Vodka's Newfound Hatred of Bubbles

After an extensive perusal of the endless cocktail options, Mezcal settles on the Rouge Awakening, though when Vodka asks what kind of liquor the drink features, she is unable to recall the description she read seconds earlier.

To Be Fair, This Menu Is Roughly the Length of War and Peace

The bartender, who would make a storybook villain appear mannerly, begins crafting our drinks without so much as a nod, let alone any eye contact or, heaven forbid, a smile. He places Vodka's components into a mechanic shaker, as the India lime fizz apparently requires roughly 14 hours of methodical jerking to come together.

Hard to Claim "Hand-Crafted Cocktails" When You're Letting a Machine Do All the Labor

"I don't have this kind of time," Vodka murmurs, while Mezcal points out that North by Northwest is playing on the TV in the bar's corner. 

Just In Case We Didn't Already Think This Place Was Pretentious

"Otherwise known as the Kim Kardashian story," Vodka quips with entirely too much pride at her fringe-millennial pop culture knowledge. This remark causes Mezcal to perform a solid eye roll as, blessedly, our cocktails are handed over, again without so much as an apathetic "Cheers!"

Not To Worry -- We'll Toast Ourselves

The India lime fizz is... well, it tastes like a milkshake. And not even a boozy milkshake, but a milkshake that is missing ice cream, sugar, and milk. 

So Essentially Just a "Shake"

It's not that it's terrible -- it's just nothing Vodka would ever order, and honestly, even if it were, it's simply not that stellar. Indeed, with the seemingly hundreds of cocktail options Michael Symon had to choose from, we're a tad flummoxed why he would ever settle on this completely mediocre product. 

We've Had Frozen Margaritas Better Than This, SO THERE

With barely half of her drink polished off, Vodka decides she can't waste her happy hour on a cocktail she doesn't want, and she orders her mainstay of a Manhattan with Bulleit bourbon. "I'm going to keep this one," she explains to the bartender in a rush, pointing to the India lime fizz, "but I think it will be better as a dessert drink so I want a Manhattan now."

That's More Like It

This preemptive attempt to make him feel better about the fact that, in truth, Vodka actually hates his drink is met with utter silence.

In Sum, This Guy Is the Worst

"No problem!" Vodka answers herself as he walks away, filling in the blanks for the curmudgeon of the Velvet Tango Room. In fact, all of the bartenders at this establishment are crabby at best and downright hostile at worst -- where do they think they are, New Jersey?

As a New Jersey Native, Vodka Can Say Such Things

Vodka's substitute Manhattan turns out to be completely standard, though it does have the uplifting distinction of making the India lime fizz taste marginally more palatable as the evening wears on. 

Even at the Bitter End, We Couldn't Polish It Off

However, compared to the level of Cleveland majesty we have encountered with our previous five dining adventures, the Velvet Tango Room just doesn't live up to its own hype. After a bevy of French fries, gravy, cheese, dough, meat, sausage, potato, and cider, how is it possible that a COCKTAIL is the thing to bring Cleveland's streak to an end?

Do You Realize How Much We LOVE COCKTAILS?!

Well, when the bartender's attitude is as sour as his lime fizz, the answer to this query is not hard to come by.

Velvet Tango Room's India Lime Fizz: 3 stars