Off the Map: Drink, You'll Feel Better

Sage and Bleu Cheese Guacamole -- Lopez Southwestern Kitchen, Cleveland, OH

Lopez Southwestern Kitchen

Mezcal has tapped out.

Pull It Together! Your Name is MEZCAL!

Nine Best Thing I Ever Ate dishes into Cleveland -- not to mention assorted extras along the way -- has put her down for the count by the time we reach the patio of Lopez Southwestern Kitchen, and she is stuffed to the gills.

Not Pictured: Mezcal Trailing Behind Vodka at a Snail's Pace

Forgoing an aptly named tequila drink, she orders a Diet Coke, while Vodka looks on with an aghast expression.

To Be Fair, Perhaps a Manhattan Is Also an Odd Thing to Order in a Mexican Restaurant, but Still

"Drink, you'll feel better," Vodka doles out her version of life advice, but Mezcal is stubborn in her fullness. 

Hello, Are Any of You Drinking? Care to be Vodka's New Friend?

With the stamina of an underfed goat, Vodka plows through in ordering the guacamole that Michael Symon recommended on the TOTALLY UNEXPECTED episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. 

Vodka Is Nothing If Not a Completist

Now, on the show, the guac was described as featuring "sage and bleu cheese," while in execution, the only bleu cheese-inclusive offering combines the substance with bacon rather than sage.

Excuse Us, Have You Any Sage Back There You Can Sprinkle On Top?

Because who needs any pesky herbs when you can add pork fat to the proceedings?

It's Like Cleveland Is Punking Us

For the first time since arrival in Ohio, we leave the provided chips and salsa untouched on the table while waiting for the guacamole to arrive, and when it does, we look at it rather hesitantly -- much more so due to the rumblings of grilled cheese lasagna still sloshing around our intestines than because of any fault on the guac's part. 

The Only Bag of Chips North of the Mason/Dixon Line We Haven't Consumed This Weekend

Thick slabs of diced bacon sprinkle the top of the avocado dip, with poofs of bleu cheese peeking out from its center. Along with even more chips, the dish features pickled vegetables, which Mezcal reaches for like she's never seen a farmer's market before.

Cleveland's Penchant Toward Vegetables Is Evidenced By the Size of That Corn

As Michael Symon had declared, this guacamole is unexpectedly good. Much like the peanut butter, alien relish, and sriacha hot dog, on paper, it does not sound like these ingredients should go together, but they are deceptively pleasing in creating a richer, saltier guacamole. 

And A Little Salt Never Hurt Anything

However, despite our enjoyment of its taste, barely a quarter of the way into the bowl, we wave the white flag, officially surrendering to the Cleveland food gods. To Lopez Southwestern Kitchen's great credit, our waiter does not even blink when we ask for the remainder of our one dish to go, and he packages it for us along with two large, unopened bags of corn chips. 

Guacamole That Survived the TSA

We cart this to-go bag not only back to our hotel, but all the way back to New York City, where a full day later, Vodka relishes a final taste of Cleveland goodness from the sanctity of her couch. And of course, she had a drink with her Ohio leftovers, just to feel better.

Lopez Southwestern's Kitchen's Sage and Bleu Cheese Guacamole: 4 stars