Off the Map: Don't Mess with Texas (Unless It Messes with You First)

Pecan Ball -- Cafe Pacific, Dallas, TX
Cafe Pacific

The most important thing you need to know about the pecan ball at Cafe Pacific is that it is receiving 4 stars despite the fact that it ended in us throwing up.

Bet You Didn't See That One Coming

But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

And Yes, We Promise That Our Liquor Comrades Were Not the Cause of Our Sudden Sickness

Vodka has made her inaugural journey to the great state of Texas to visit Dallas with her college roommates, Diet Coke and Whiskey Sour. 

Taking In Some of Dallas's Uplifting Assassination Sites

While Diet Coke's plane remains suspended in air somewhere over the Midwest, Vodka and Whiskey Sour venture to the Highland Park neighborhood to eat a pecan ball, as chosen by Kerry Vincent on the ICE CREAMY episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate.

What's Black and White and Sweet All Over?

But not before Vodka has an epic fight with the manager at Mi Cocina, the Mexican joint across the parking lot. You can take the girl out of Manhattan, but you can't take the customer service hostility out of the girl.

In Retrospect, Perhaps We Shouldn't Have Eaten the Whole Thing

Mi Cocina is relevant to this post mostly because we found the entire experience so stressful that by the time we arrive at Cafe Pacific, our frazzled, travel-weary nerves are hovering on the edge. 

Window View of the Scene of the Crime

Because of this, the quiet, inviting atmosphere of the establishment's old-fashioned decor is found to be especially favorable, as is the exceptionally congenial bartender. 

Fill 'Er Up, We'll Take a Glass of Everything

With the kitchen about to close, he asks if we would like any food, for which we request one pecan ball and two glasses of wine. 

Generous Pours to Suit Our Moods

Within moments, we are exceedingly more relaxed and ready to dive into the solid helping of dessert placed before us. 

Hello, Gorgeous

The pecan ball itself consists of vanilla ice cream rolled in pecans and topped by chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and brittle. And it is good. Very, very good. 

We're Not Usually Nuts-In-Desserts Type of Girls, But We'll Make an Exception Here

Each component works together perfectly in enhancing the others, and Whiskey Sour, who gave up sweets for Lent (apparently in her interpretation, Lent does not extend into the Texas border), finds it especially remarkable (perhaps because she hasn't had a touch of sugar in weeks).

Forbidden Fruit

By the time we have finished, the pecan ball is little more than a slushy soup coating the bottom of the plate, for which the bartender asks if we would like straws to sop it up. 

We Have Found Our People

As the evening proceeds, we suddenly realize that we are single-handedly closing the joint, but rather than being annoyed by our presence, the staff keeps multiplying behind the bar to engage with the very full and mildly drunk northeasterners.

Drunk on Chocolate Fudge, but Drunk Nonetheless

In other words, we leave Cafe Pacific extremely taken with the place. And then we return to our hotel room and promptly vomit.

Thanks for the Warm Welcome, Dallas

Now, we are blaming this turn of events on Mi Cocina and the two plates (each) of Mexican delicacies we consumed before the beloved pecan ball -- after all, who ever heard of ice cream resulting in food poisoning? Plus, while at Cafe Pacific, when Vodka asked our BFF, the bartender, if he ever frequented Mi Cocina, his response was, "Not very often," which pretty much tells us all we need to know.

We'll Never Look at Tex-Mex Quite the Same Way

And so, while in the opening joust between Dallas and Vodka, the city may think it has gained the upper-hand, we refuse to be taken out so easily. So bring it on, Texas, because a thrown-up pecan ball in the evening never scared us away. And now you know who not to mess with.

Cafe Pacific's Pecan Ball: 4 stars

Off the Map: The PG Version of a Hoecake

Hoecakes -- The Lady and Sons, Savannah, GA

The Lady and Sons

To this day, Paula Deen remains the one and only Food Network personality that Vodka has met offscreen. 

How Lucky for All the Other Personalities

And therefore, Vodka was quite keen to finally make the journey to Paula's outpost, The Lady and Sons, in Savannah, GA.

So Excited That She Got to Lunch a Half Hour Early So She Could Sit in the Waiting Room by Herself

Now, at the Food Network-sponsored events with Paula which Vodka attended years ago, the food was... less than stellar. 

Exhibit A

And so she is not overly optimistic about the gourmet options when she arrives for lunch as part of Grey Goose's bachelorette party. 

Time to Do Shots Under the Watchful Eye of the Lady and Sons

As it happens, the only dish on the menu from Best Thing I Ever Ate is of the gratis variety: the complimentary hoecakes which appear on each of our bread plates before we have even placed our orders. 

At Least They Understand the Importance of Prompt Carb Delivery Around Here

Said cakes were recommended by Tyler Florence on the CAKE WALK episode, though we note that the staff has taken to calling them "fried corn cakes," or something similar, thus rebranding the pastries to something less... mature-sounding?

Family Friendly Baked Goods

Now, as someone who has never tried a hoecake before, it is possible that something is lost in translation, as Vodka finds the creation more dry and crumbly than pleasing to the tastebuds. 

In Fact, This Is How Her Bread Plate Looked at the End of the Meal

As it happens, the accompanying biscuit with melted cheddar has much more flavor than the item Tyler had chosen, as does the crab stew that Vodka picks for her entree (hey, it's been a long weekend of overeating -- a girl can only take so many fried green tomatoes). 

Bring on the Melted Cheese

Possibly the Most Self-Controlled Lunch Vodka Has Ever Ordered

Once utilized as a dipping utensil for the remainder of her soup, the hoecake becomes more pleasing, but it never quite rises above the average territory.

Good to the Last Sop

But then again, hey, what do you want for free?

The Lady and Sons Hoecakes: 3 stars

Off the Map: You Guys Are Going to Be Eating Well Tonight

BLT Fried Green Tomato Salad -- The Olde Pink House, Savannah, GA

The Olde Pink House

Perhaps not everyone lands in Savannah, GA, and decides to eat fried food exclusively, but Vodka is decidedly one of those people.

Someone Fetch Her Elastic Waistbands

While on a trip to the The Olde Pink House with her friends, Bloody Mary and Sazerac (who took so long to choose his blog nickname that you would have thought he were naming his first-born), Vodka decides that the best thing to do is to not only order the most fattening things on the menu, but to make her friends order them as well.

Just Bring Us One of Everything

While she is ostensibly here to eat the BLT Fried Green Tomato Salad, as chosen by Aaron Sanchez on the SLICED episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate, Vodka didn't cart herself all the way to her 27th state to consume only a salad. 

Does This Look Like a Georgia Peach to You?

Therefore, along with this appetizer, she chooses the fried chicken and mac and cheese, with the addition of a Manhattan made with "some kind of Charleston rye" (exact quote from her extensive drunken notes).

There Is Also No Picture of Her Cocktail -- Only of Sazerac's... Sazerac

Bloody Mary, playing along in the excessive calorie game, chooses the goat cheese stuffed artichoke fritters for her starter and the fried pork chop with pan gravy, collards, and mac and cheese for her entree.

Go Big or Go Home

"You guys are going to be eating well tonight," our waiter quips. "And you chose two of my three favorite entrees."

"What's your other one?" Bloody Mary asks.

"The lamb shank," he answers.

"Get that," Bloody Mary implores Sazerac.

Three for Three

"And what's your favorite appetizer?" Vodka pipes up.

"The chicken livers," our waiter informs us.

"He'll take that," Bloody Mary says, pointing to Sazerac, who is retreating further and further into his seat as his meal becomes increasingly less appealing.

Nothing Like a Few Livers in the Early Evening

Thankfully, the provided biscuits are so delectable that they temporarily make Sazerac forget about his earlier bullying, as does the gawdy-yet-homey ambience of the Olde Pink House itself, which is deceptively larger than its blush exterior suggests.

We'll Take Fourteen More Baskets of These, Thanks!

Ballroom Seating

Wisely Taken Earlier in the Day When the Hue Could Be Captured

When our appetizers arrive, Vodka and Bloody Mary (in the end, Sazerac refuses to taste anything but the fritters) find the BLT fried green tomato salad and sweet bacon with black pepper thyme buttermilk dressing (now there's a mouthful) to be pleasing, if not spectacular. 

To Be Fair, the Fried Foods-to-Greens Ratio Is on Point, So We Shouldn't Have Many Complaints

Bloody Mary correctly compares it to something similar to her grandmother's seven-layer salad, which is a compliment, if not of the highest order. 

This, Too, May Be Precisely Seven Layers

In truth, the dish is probably the perfect antidote to the bevy of rich foods we are about to devour, but in the moment, we are fairly underwhelmed.

"Could You Take This Back and Bring It To Us for Dessert?"

The chicken livers, however, are surprisingly delicious, as are their accompanying grits, which are just about the best version of them we have ever tasted. 

Now This Is More 5 Star Territory

To be fair, the chicken livers mostly taste like their heavily breaded and fried outside, but what delectable breading that is!

In Contrast, Sazerac's Sad Little Plate of Fritters

When our entrees are served, a gigantic half-chicken is placed in front of Vodka at the same time Bloody Mary and Sazerac receive their own meals, each with the noted side of macaroni and cheese.

Placed In Front of Everyone but Vodka

"Where's my mac and cheese?!" Vodka erupts in what can only be compared to full panic mode, as if she hasn't eaten in days, as opposed to the full litter of chicken livers she downed not more than fifteen minutes before.

Also, It's Not Like She Doesn't Have a Full Chicken to Consume in the Meantime

Another waiter escorts Vodka her desired mac and cheese within seconds, and it is decidedly worth the wait (and the weight). 

Now That's a Proper Southern Meal

Home-style without being soggy, the noodles have enough crunchy bits around the top to demonstrate where the upper level of cheese sizzled to a crisp, and it is all the three of us can do not to inhale the entirety of our full portions before trying our proteins.

The Consequence of Peer Pressure

This means that the fried chicken, a star in its own right, has the unfortunate position of being the thing that Vodka eats last after a full gut-busting cornucopia of goodness. 

Taking a Breather to Admire the Scenery

As she takes a short break for digestion purposes, our waiter asks if she would like another drink. As she decides between a second Manhattan or a glass of wine, he suggests she get something with bubbles since that will go best with the chicken.

Carbonation: Vodka's Fatal Ingredient

"OH NO," Vodka asserts with nearly as much passion as she had about the missing mac and cheese. "I can't do bubbles. I'll take cabernet."

"Big and bold or fun and playful?" our waiter asks without hesitation.

FYI, "Big and Bold or Fun and Playful" Will Be the Name of Our Next Blog

"Big and bold," Vodka chooses. Because while in Savannah, you simply must go all in and be as big, bold, and Southern-fried as possible.

The Olde Pink House's BLT Fried Green Tomato Salad: 4 stars

Off the Map: Let's Pretend This Post Is Not About Jerky

Beef Jerky -- J&J Czuchraj Meats, Cleveland, OH

J&J Czuchraj Meats

Sadly, we have come to the end of Vodka and Mezcal's trip to Cleveland, otherwise known as their new favorite place on earth.

Their Tourism Bureau Should Really Send Us a Check

And even more sadly, the only dish we have left to eat is... jerky.

Going Out with a Bang... or a Whimper

Here's the thing about jerky: Vodka doesn't like it. Actually, "doesn't like it" is mild, as she finds the stuff -- even the most gourmet of varieties -- fairly offensive in both texture and taste.

Our Hotel Decor Seems to Be Cheering Us On

But what's a girl to do when Michael Symon, the King of All Things Believeland, chooses J&J Czuchraj Meats' beef jerky on the SALTY GOODNESS episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate? The answer is buy the smallest amount possible, stuff it in your friend's bag, and pretend it doesn't exist for the next 24-48 hours.

No Offense, Dried Meat, But We're Just Not That Into You

In truth, poor Mezcal's bag began reeking of jerky when we consumed an entire gyro in one fell swoop at the Westside Market. At the time, we were rather underwhelmed by our J&J/Czuchraj Meats experience, first because there were two different stands with different names but the same exact offerings, second because the guy manning stand one answered a phone call in the middle of our ordering process, and third because he didn't fall for our ploy of handing over a sample when we asked for the most minuscule jerky order possible.

So Here's the J&J Component...

...Not to Be Outdone by the Czuchraj Component Five Stands Away...

Based on her general abhorrence of all things jerky, Vodka procrastinates tasting the stuff so as to not ruin Cleveland's streak of Best Thing I Ever Ate glory, one unimpressive fizzy cocktail notwithstanding.

Frankly, Those Smokies Look Like They May Have More Potential

And so, in an effort not to dilute our love of Cleveland with an uninspired review of a food we don't even enjoy, let's pretend this post isn't about jerky at all. Instead, let's talk about the man behind the whole reason for this trip, Michael Symon, and more importantly, his restaurant, Lola.

She Was a Showgirl

Lola is, in a word, awesome. The food is heavenly, the drinks are strong, and the service is as welcoming as Michael's TV persona.

Any Place That Serves Beef Cheek Pierogies Is Fine By Us

In fact, after our waiter hears that the only reason for our relatively minimal food choices is because we've been to every one of Michael's Best Thing I Ever Ate picks in two days, he adds to our imminent stomachache by throwing in a free dessert -- which, let it be known, just may be the first free anything Vodka has ever procured that was not prefaced by a stern complaint to the management.

That In Itself May Be the Biggest Miracle of Cleveland

By the time we waltz -- or roll, depending on who you ask -- out of Lola, Vodka is busy singing Hamilton songs about her newfound favorite GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD. And therefore, when we eventually try the infamous jerky during our 7:30am airport breakfast the next morning, the fact that it is highly smoky, highly spicy, probably great for jerky lovers but completely lost on us, is almost irrelevant.

Between This and The Leftover Guacamole, the TSA Must Have Loved Us

We Won't Hold It Against Ohio's Fair City That This Is Our Parting Shot

Because at the end of the day, not only has Cleveland reached the highest Best Thing I Ever Ate average of all time, but it has also succeeded in being the most surprisingly enjoyable city we have ever visited. And those weighty qualities alone are worth tons more than a quarter-pound of jerky.

J&J Czuchraj Meats's Beef Jerky: 3 stars