Off the Map: Any Mustard, Mayo, Hot Sauce? Yes

The Godfather -- Melt Bar and Grilled, Cleveland, OH

Melt Bar and Grilled

First our Cleveland Lyft drivers were apologizing for the city's air quality, and now they're wishing us luck as they drop us at restaurants, as if they know we're about to eat our seventeenth meal of the day.

Or Maybe the Sign Alone Made Him Suspicious of What We Were In For

To be fair, the godfather sandwich we are about to consume at Melt Bar and Grilled, as chosen by Anne Thornton on the MESSY episode, is our only second Best Thing I Ever Ate establishment, but our fifth overall (yes, even when not being forced to eat and drink by the Food Network, we show up at additional places). 

This Queso? Not Featured on Any List. Just Needed a Snack

Immediately, Melt is not exactly what we had expected, since based on the fact that it's a chain, Vodka pictured something akin to the grilled cheese version of Chipotle, and this is more reminiscent of a TGI Friday's. 

In Case We Forgot What City We Were In

We belly up to a corner of the bar and place our order, and while waiting, Mezcal asks Vodka if she'd finally like to try the beef jerky Mezcal has been hauling around in her bag ever since our visit to the Westside Market. 

A Good Indication of How Eager We've Been to Eat the Stuff

"Oh no. No, I can't do that here. I can't take two sets of notes," Vodka says with complete earnestness, as if we're the food versions of Woodward and Bernstein, rather than two girls eating their way through Cleveland for blog posts that only Ginger will read.

Plus, Vodka Is Busy Documenting the GIANT BOX OF MAC AND CHEESE ON THE WALL

The sandwich soon arrives, and it is a carb-on-carb dream or nightmare, depending on how eager one is to consume bread, pasta, and cheese in a single bite. 

This Looks Amazing and/or Terrifying

Gargantuan in size, thick slices of lasagna are bordered by even thicker slices of garlic bread and accompanied by a solid helping of fries and two pickles ("They gave us each a pickle -- very thoughtful!")

Plus, Fries, Because Heaven Knows We Haven't Eaten Enough Potatoes Yet

As Vodka begins to document this sandwich in photograph form, the server asks, "Any mustard, mayo, hot sauce?" and is greeted by utter silence, as we are both seemingly too intent on getting down to eating. 

To Be Fair, Based on Their Menu, Pretty Sure the Melt Staff Are Used to People Being Overwhelmed

Repeating the question, which Vodka is inexplicably incapable of understanding even the second time (and for the record, there was nary a cocktail in sight), she responds with a noncommittal, "Yes." We are soon surrounded by not only an army's worth of condiments, but an entire box of napkins, as if to prove the point that this sandwich was featured on the MESSY episode for a reason.

Thanks for the Faith in Our Ability to Not Spill on Ourselves

The sandwich itself, while it appears on the surface to be nothing more than something to epitomize the height of gluttony, is shockingly quite tasty. 

What's Lasagna Without Parmesan Cheese Sprinkled on Top?

The garlic bread is soft enough to keep the lasagna from sliding out in one fell swoop, and while none of the components would be amazing on their own, together, they make an interesting, if outrageous,  combination.

If Only We Were Hungrier Right Now. Cut to: Empty Plate

And in what is becoming a pattern in Cleveland, while we initially debate between a 3 and 4 star finish for this dish, once we consume the entire thing, we decide that if it's good enough to polish off after all we have already eaten -- and still have to eat -- today, than it most certainly deserves a 4 star demarcation.

Specifying an Extra Pickle That We Didn't Even Ask For?! New Best Friends

After all, anytime your check arrives with the words "Add pickle to plate" written twice, you know the restaurant has found its way to our hearts, as a pickle is undeniably the greatest of good luck charms.

Melt Bar and Grilled's The Godfather: 4 stars

Off the Map: Why Cleveland? Why Are You So Perfect?

Corned Beef Hash -- Big Al's Diner, Cleveland, OH

Big Al's Diner

Here's the difference between New York and Cleveland: none of our Lyft drivers in New York have ever, with complete sincerity, apologized for the town's pollution.

And Not for Nothing, the Air Looks Pretty Clean to Us

But in Cleveland, on our way to Big Al's Diner to eat Michael Symon's Best Thing I Ever Ate WAKE UP CALL dish, not only does our driver seemingly take responsibility for the city's fossil fuel emissions, but he also appears concerned about our destination, being that we're driving through some of Cleveland's less scenic neighborhoods to reach it. 

Don't Worry, Driver -- Michael Symon Wouldn't Steer Us Wrong

However, Big Al's itself is straight out of a sitcom diner, albeit one from the late 1950s. 

Would Not Look Out of Place on an Episode of The Honeymooners

After a brief waiting period outside, as the joint is already packed at 9:00am, we are led to a booth where we peruse the placemat which doubles as a menu. 

Please Ignore Vodka's Lipstick Stain

Along with Michael Symon's chosen corned beef hash, we choose the potato pancakes with sour cream and applesauce, because while already on a weekend food bender, why not go full throttle?

We Won't Be Eating Again for at Least Two Hours So....

While Vodka's coffee cup gets constantly refilled until she's at the point of jitteriness, we anticipate our breakfast's arrival, wondering if the nondescript nature of Big Al's establishment will lead to similarly humdrum food.

A Counter Built for Four

And then the corned beef hash arrives. And it is a thing of beauty.

Putting All Other Diner Dishes to Shame

A warm pile of beef, potatoes, and vegetables rests beneath two perfectly cooked over-easy eggs, framed on either side by four pieces of butter-soaked white bread toast. 

Symmetrical Perfection

After one bite, Vodka douses her half with salt and hot sauce before proceeding to scoop the creation into her mouth with the intensity of a freshly-cleaned Hoover, marveling at the fact that, at Big Al's, even the toast is somehow better than that of any other diner variety.

How? How Does Nothing Go Wrong Here?

When Vodka reluctantly switches plates with Mezcal, who has been enjoying, if not moaning over, the potato pancakes, she does so with a resigned, "I give up. Gonna move here." 

And Probably Gonna Gain 100 Pounds While At It

And while the potato pancakes are also tasty -- they're fried carbs, so what could really go wrong? -- they are nothing compared to the majesty of the corned beef hash, which somehow redefine the surprising perfection that is Cleveland, OH.

Nailed It

No apologies necessary.

Big Al's Diner's Corned Beef Hash: 5 stars*

*Certifiable Best Thing We Ever Ate

Off the Map: Are You Trying to Make the Michael Symon Dog?

Hot Dog with Peanut Butter, Alien Pickle Relish, Sriacha -- Happy Dog, Cleveland, OH

Happy Dog

By the end of our first full day in Cleveland, Vodka and Mezcal are punchy, and not just because of the number of carbs currently battling their way through their digestive tracks. 

Cleveland, You've Been Good to Us, If Not to Our Waistlines

But before we can retreat for the night (at the rebellious time of 9:07pm), there is one more Best Thing I Ever Ate dish to be conquered, and it's a doozy. You see, on the ALL AMERICAN episode, Michael Symon chose a hot dog from Happy Dog. Now, there are few things we love more in life than a hot dog, which should make this a fairly easy conquest.

Thank Goodness for a Final Easy Dish to Go Calmly Into the Night... 

Only the hot dog Michael picked includes chunky peanut butter, alien pickle relish, and sriacha sauce.

...Or Not

Um, Mr. Symon, exactly how many of those India lime fizzes did you drink before downing this thing?

We Also Ordered a Side, Just In Case We Didn't Eat Enough Today

Happy Dog itself is essentially a dive bar with live music, which thankfully, based on our abhorrence of all things loud, was just about to begin as we were leaving. Orders are checked off by the customers themselves on paper pads featuring every possible type of hot dog combination you can invent, and the entire process is reminiscent of a childhood miniature golf game. 

We've Read Too Many Menus Lately to Deal with This Right Now

We choose the correct components based on Michael's tastes, making a note to ask for sriacha, as specified at the bottom of the pad. And then, mere moments later, we promptly forget to ask for the sriacha. It's been a long day, okay?

And Not For Nothing, We Were a Tad Thrown Off by Ordering Something Called ALIEN GREEN RELISH

Thankfully, our bartender appears to be on to us, as he takes one look at our choice and pipes up, "Are you trying to make the Michael Symon dog? Do you also want sriacha?" Now branded as the Cleveland tourists that we are, our dog arrives soon afterward, along with a basket of beer cheese fondue tots. 

The Inner Workings of the Day's 27th Meal

The hot dog itself is a tad frightening on the surface, especially because the bottom of the bun has split completely open, which Vodka finds more than a little annoying. But, presumably because he is Michael Symon and he has never steered a Cleveland palate wrong, the taste is fairly remarkable. The toppings together, in theory, should not work, but miraculously, they kind of do. And while peanut butter on a hot dog sounded like the opposite of a winner before we entered the premises, by the time we leave, we are squarely a fan.

Looking More Like a Speakeasy Than the Bar That Tried to Be a Speakeasy

We are also a fan of not only the tater tots, but of the Happy Dog bartenders themselves, who are much more reminiscent of the stereotype one would picture from a Clevelander serving a hot dog bar: chill, relaxed, and dressed in flannel.

Velvet Tango Room, Please Take Note

If we hadn't already eaten half our weight in Ohio goodness today, we would have liked to have tried a more "traditional" hot dog, being that the meat itself is some of the best we have ever tasted in encased beef form. But the way things stand, we can't manage to do much more than roll ourselves out the exit, happy as a pig in mud.

In This Case, the Pig Analogy Is Literal

Happy Dog's Hot Dog with Peanut Butter, Alien Pickle Relish, Sriacha: 4 stars

Off the Map: Who Would Think a Cocktail Would Bring Cleveland Down?

India Lime Fizz -- Velvet Tango Room, Cleveland, OH

Velvet Tango Room

Here's the problem with the Velvet Tango Room: it does not belong in Cleveland.

Otherwise Known As Our New Favorite City

If there is anything Vodka and Mezcal have learned in their culinary tour through the town's best and brightest, it's that Cleveland is welcoming, unpretentious, and most of all, delicious.

Let Ohio Freedom Ring

The Velvet Tango Room is none of these things. In fact, its speakeasy-type vibe (which doesn't work since they have what we assume they think is a "subtle" neon sign illuminating the windows' closed blinds) feels completely out of place on this street a mere stone's throw from Westside Market. 

The Closed Blinds Only Do So Much To "Conceal" You

Were the Velvet Tango Room jammed behind a mystery taco stand on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, fine, but its ambiance has no place in Cleveland.

No White Zin?? Who Do You Think You Are?!

Particularly because the drinks just aren't all that good, and its service is even worse.

The Bar Where No One Knows Your Name and Certainly Isn't Glad You Came

While she would much prefer a Manhattan, Vodka sucks it up to order the India lime fizz, as chosen by Michael Symon on the BEST I EVER DRANK episode of Best Thing I Ever Ate. Now, Michael has not steered us wrong thus far, but Vodka isn't feeling too optimistic about the sounds of this beverage, particularly due to the "fizz" component, as she usually refuses to drink carbonation in any capacity. 

We'll Spare You the Details of the Reasons Behind Vodka's Newfound Hatred of Bubbles

After an extensive perusal of the endless cocktail options, Mezcal settles on the Rouge Awakening, though when Vodka asks what kind of liquor the drink features, she is unable to recall the description she read seconds earlier.

To Be Fair, This Menu Is Roughly the Length of War and Peace

The bartender, who would make a storybook villain appear mannerly, begins crafting our drinks without so much as a nod, let alone any eye contact or, heaven forbid, a smile. He places Vodka's components into a mechanic shaker, as the India lime fizz apparently requires roughly 14 hours of methodical jerking to come together.

Hard to Claim "Hand-Crafted Cocktails" When You're Letting a Machine Do All the Labor

"I don't have this kind of time," Vodka murmurs, while Mezcal points out that North by Northwest is playing on the TV in the bar's corner. 

Just In Case We Didn't Already Think This Place Was Pretentious

"Otherwise known as the Kim Kardashian story," Vodka quips with entirely too much pride at her fringe-millennial pop culture knowledge. This remark causes Mezcal to perform a solid eye roll as, blessedly, our cocktails are handed over, again without so much as an apathetic "Cheers!"

Not To Worry -- We'll Toast Ourselves

The India lime fizz is... well, it tastes like a milkshake. And not even a boozy milkshake, but a milkshake that is missing ice cream, sugar, and milk. 

So Essentially Just a "Shake"

It's not that it's terrible -- it's just nothing Vodka would ever order, and honestly, even if it were, it's simply not that stellar. Indeed, with the seemingly hundreds of cocktail options Michael Symon had to choose from, we're a tad flummoxed why he would ever settle on this completely mediocre product. 

We've Had Frozen Margaritas Better Than This, SO THERE

With barely half of her drink polished off, Vodka decides she can't waste her happy hour on a cocktail she doesn't want, and she orders her mainstay of a Manhattan with Bulleit bourbon. "I'm going to keep this one," she explains to the bartender in a rush, pointing to the India lime fizz, "but I think it will be better as a dessert drink so I want a Manhattan now."

That's More Like It

This preemptive attempt to make him feel better about the fact that, in truth, Vodka actually hates his drink is met with utter silence.

In Sum, This Guy Is the Worst

"No problem!" Vodka answers herself as he walks away, filling in the blanks for the curmudgeon of the Velvet Tango Room. In fact, all of the bartenders at this establishment are crabby at best and downright hostile at worst -- where do they think they are, New Jersey?

As a New Jersey Native, Vodka Can Say Such Things

Vodka's substitute Manhattan turns out to be completely standard, though it does have the uplifting distinction of making the India lime fizz taste marginally more palatable as the evening wears on. 

Even at the Bitter End, We Couldn't Polish It Off

However, compared to the level of Cleveland majesty we have encountered with our previous five dining adventures, the Velvet Tango Room just doesn't live up to its own hype. After a bevy of French fries, gravy, cheese, dough, meat, sausage, potato, and cider, how is it possible that a COCKTAIL is the thing to bring Cleveland's streak to an end?

Do You Realize How Much We LOVE COCKTAILS?!

Well, when the bartender's attitude is as sour as his lime fizz, the answer to this query is not hard to come by.

Velvet Tango Room's India Lime Fizz: 3 stars